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November Morning

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  It’s quite the gloomy scene outside my window, with blueish-grey skies looking like they’re ready to cry. As for me I’m not feeling as blue, for one I got a pretty good nights sleep. Without the crazy heavy dreams of the past few days. While it’s very warm for this time of year, I still feel a crispness in the air with more moisture than I’m used to feeling in late November. Sitting here in a thin cotton t-shirt I don’t ask myself how I am feeling today. Fearing that I might not like the answer on such a strange November morning. So I observe the silence of the outside, taking in the slightest hint of pinestraw in the air. It’s definitely not an unfamiliar smell for me. Considering the piles of pinestraw, me and my family had to rake and burned in the yard over the fall. Even now outside of the small towns that dot the area. Pine trees are big business with many a tree farms labeled and owned my farmers and paper mills alike. I was never privy to the life of a tree farmer or an...
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Alright

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  Fluent in the art of deflection I’ve lived my life shaping a narrative of strength and decisiveness. While on the inside lived a frightened little boy without the confidence to live the life he dreamed. That’s a mighty big confession to make on what is my 63rd birthday. A day in many ways shouldn’t had happened. Those might sound like harsh and cold words, but they are words I say with honesty, without hesitation or fear. As some of you may know, I’m given to moments of melancholy. So excuse my bluntness and gloom. While you meet me in person you may think, he’s a witty old fellow. Know it’s an image I where with some degree of pride that carefully covers the hidden fears of a verbally abused child. It’s hard to grow up in a nice working-class home, with a bike and a whole neighborhood to play in. Yet beneath all the “Wonder Years” were the hidden dangers of bullies and verbal abuses that no undertow of suburbia could erase. So I got smart, very smart and created a laissez-fa...
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Half-Speed

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  I feel unusually heavy this morning, I slept in a little late while having two more strange vivid dreams last night. But it’s Sunday morning and it’s time to call my father-in-law and talk about whatever’s on his mind. It’s never much about what we talk about, either about his grandkids or great grandkids. Or how the Bulldogs did in Saturday’s game. Afterwards I was all talked out, then my son showed up to give me his take on Saturday’s games. Leaving me a bit out of breath, despite my decades of practice at running my mouth. But to be honest, the days of carrying on long aimless conversations are gone. It’s like when I am at rest, I feel pretty good. My heart’s not pounding, and my respiration is good. But the minute I get up to do a simple chore like sweep the floor or cook dinner. Not long after beginning I have to quit and catch my breath. With my brain firmly stuck in pre-CHF mode, I think I can do most anything. Then while doing something as simple as taking a shower, I n...
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Perk Me Right Up!

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  You know, I was all partially excited to get started writing today. I’d even go as far as to say inspired, to start writing. But then the drudgery of opening the curtains then the windows and turning on the computer then taking my medicine….just seemed to kill the vibe. But then looking down at how well I’d matched my outfit without even trying, seemed to perk me right up. So welcome to my day! Sitting here 14 days into November, my birthday month, with my semi-matching shorts and windbreaker, with a very faded red and grey striped shirt in my ever present white ankle socks. I look like I should be walking down a beach somewhere on an East Coast sunrise. But sadly, I’m suck in my office with that same bright morning sun bleeding through the windowpanes. Feeling slightly inebriated from a lack of food or caffeine. I gather up all my medicine bottles and drinking cups and head to the bedroom and kitchen to deposit all my wears and grab my phone. Back at my desk I’ve been re-ins...
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Something Right

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Probably one of the strenuous lessons I ever learned. Was how innovative you must be when you have no one else to depend on other than yourself. As a caregiver for my wife and the decision making parent for my children. It was always front and center how stressful my life was. And how alone and isolated those emotions made me feel. Even with a dear wife who wanted nothing more than to be an equal partner. The stresses of making family and financial decisions were often overwhelming.  I don’t know if my kids or immediate family ever understood the stress and fear I was under. Mainly because my go to reflex is always to be a cynical jerk. Meaning that I would treat any crisis like water rolling off a ducks back up front. That may show how strong you are, but the results usually end up leaving you looking and acting like…a jerk. So I’m pretty sure I was never a shining example of great parenting to my children. But frankly I was just trying to do what I could to keep them ...
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Old Baptist

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Sitting outside it looks like my shade is about gone for the year. You’d think the gnats would feel a little sorry for me. But instead I’m sure they’re all giggling enjoying my discomfort. But that’s what you’re supposed to expect this time of year. To see leaves falling from the trees and feel a little crispness in the air. Only this year the heat and humidity are fighting like hell to stick around. And while it did rain a little late yesterday afternoon, the humidity has done nothing but excite the sand gnats that are nibbling on my ears.  Not much is going on other than my Baptist buddies next door getting together to be, well…Baptist. The sky keeps fading between cloudy and partly sunny. While the humidity in all it’s glory, dampens what could be a pleasant morning into a wet blanket. Other than that I ain’t got much to complain about. Had a somewhat pleasant conversation with my father-in-law this morning. He caught me up on the Braves while informing me “my Presid...
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I Am Me

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This morning in the mail I got an odd little letter from the IRS asking me the confirm my identity. Apparently they’re not sure if a past tax return was sent by me or someone else. This obviously means I’ll be going through a long, paper jammed process to prove I am me to them. Considering I haven’t had to pay nor received any return from the IRS in over a decade. It does make me wonder, if someone’s using my ID to receive a return, I wish they’d show me how.  I suppose life is all about who you are and what your worth. I left the idea of being worth anything to the greater world a long time ago. On paper I’m worth a small pension check that by inflationary standards means I ain’t worth much. My worth according to who I am, sadly ain’t really worth much more, than maybe a passing reference to very few.  But despite all my “mealy mouthing” we all play an integral part in a greater plan. Now some may think this has something to do with achieving a higher power or pur...
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