A Certain Degree of Peace


While my head seems to be in a good place, my “Spidey Senses” are starting to tingle. Feeling a little discomfort, I’m hoping for the moment it’s just a panic attack. These things hit you sometimes out of the blue, but what can you do but talk yourself down.

It’s funny after all these years how your mind can still race on about the “what ifs”. When it comes to my panic, my mind’s takes whatever I’m feeling and runs with it. At the moment it’s a slight discomfort in my chest. So is it real, is it not? My panic doesn’t care it’s just running with the feeling.

Surprisingly enough my mind is still basically in control, which is the weirdest thing when you think about it. Because while my panic gets up a head of stream, my head will say, let’s wait a minute and see what happens. I suppose that’s what happens after 24 years of dealing with it.

It’s funny in a way how this whole thing works. In a way I’ve adapted my panic into my existence. For one I use it to monitor myself physically. When it happens, I give it my attention, I ask it what is wrong and then go from there. If I’ve learned anything being about Panic Disorder it’s that, the more you try to suppress it or ignore it, the worse it gets. There are many out there that claim they can cure panic, and for all I know that may be true. But what I know is through compassion, listening, and letting go I have found a certain degree of peace.    

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fail-Safe

Image
Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (due to
Read more

Moments You've Lived

Image
It’s 5:15 in the afternoon and my stupid ass is back outside. I just checked the phone and it’s a balmy 90° with a feel like temperature of 99°f. I figured since I was hot in the room with the AC on, I might as well come outside and do same thing. Earlier I read a funny meme from my sibling on Facebook that read, “Can someone send me a hug?” copy and share. Rather sarcastically I replied, “We are not huggers , didn’t we grow up in the same house?” Probably no truer words have ever been spoken about our lives as kids. Oh, we weren’t beaten or overly abused, we were just not raised all “touchy feely”. Not surprisingly most kids of our generation weren’t raised that way either. We were provided for in our working class suburban homes. It’s just that a lot of time wasn’t devoted to things like feelings and emotions. You were expected to tough it out and swallow those tears. I guess one place where we could let our emotions go was church. Raised during the infancy of the “Pentecostal Moveme
Read more

Blowing Breeze

Image
It’s later in the afternoon so I decided to take advantage of the lighter humidity and come back outside. There’s a lite breeze blowing so while the gnats are still out, at least they’re having to put in some extra effort to lite on me. You can still smell where the grass got cut this morning, but sadly the faint scent of BBQ from the restaurant down the street is gone.  The poor old sycamore tree leaves look a bit sad. Hanging like they’re on their last leg from the limbs. There’s no point in bringing up the fig bush/tree, it’s all but shed most of its leaves. It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago both plants were vibrant and green, with a bountiful crop of figs. But the birds have mostly abandon their nest in the fig branches. With the kids grown and the shade and food supply dried up, I can’t say I blame them.  But I’m the human here, I’m adaptable with opposable thumbs. I can’t move on as easily as the birds. My so-called cognitive reasoning insist I stick aro
Read more