Stories - FD Thornton

Probably one of the strenuous lessons I ever learned. Was how innovative you must be when you have no one else to depend on other than yourself. As a caregiver for my wife and the decision making parent for my children. It was always front and center how stressful my life was. And how alone and isolated those emotions made me feel. Even with a dear wife who wanted nothing more than to be an equal partner. The stresses of making family and financial decisions were often overwhelming.  I don’t know if my kids or immediate family ever understood the stress and fear I was under. Mainly because my go to reflex is always to be a cynical jerk. Meaning that I would treat any crisis like water rolling off a ducks back up front. That may show how strong you are, but the results usually end up leaving you looking and acting like…a jerk. So I’m pretty sure I was never a shining example of great parenting to my children. But frankly I was just trying to do what I could to keep them ...

Since many enjoy reading about my pain and suffering, today I woke up with a blinding sinus headache and good dose of the “whoa is me’s”. The headache I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain, but the “whoa is me’s” is just a good case of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sure everyone goes through it and I’m pretty damn sure we each got our own way of dealing with it. You either cry in your coffee or get mad and act like me, and turn into a cynical asshole.  So for my own protection and that of others in my life, I’ve barricaded myself in this room. Hoping that at some point my headache will clear or my attitude towards the world will subside. Right now all my chips are riding on the headache. Self-deprecation is a defensive weapon I use well. Self-forgiveness is a new tactic I still have difficulty managing. Asking forgiveness of others is an even harder task to master.  From a world where relentless bullying was the norm. It’s still very difficult for me to sympathiz...