Stories - FD Thornton

I just woke up from a really deep sleep. The kind where you don’t dream and your mind just seems to slip away. The last few days I’ve been living between a state of dreaming and dizziness. Through circumstances beyond my control, I’ve been rationing myself in order to make it through the next few days. Unfortunately in my current physical condition this is not be smartest thing to do. The imbalances in my body cause my physical and mental conditions to swing back and to erratically. I’m sure what I’m saying doesn’t make too much sense and that’s okay. Because not everything that’s written or seen has to be understood. Still it’s funny how we push ourselves in the name of love. We make sacrifices, even to the point of harming ourselves, all for the sake of others. I suppose it’s an instinctual thing. A primal urge that comes from our very core. Still while you would think our urges would dictate selfishness, here on full display is the need of many outweighing the needs of the one.

Where do I begin? Last night I woke up last hot and sweaty. Which could only mean one thing, my blood sugar was getting low. So I got up, popped a few glucose tablets, and after a few hours went back to bed. This morning I was awaken by not one, but two lawnmowers. One cutting my yard, the other mowing the church lot next door. So now my head’s spinning from the grass pollen and I’m itching all over. And oh yeah, since my sinuses are closed up, my teeth hurt. Surprisingly enough I get a lot of messages from people thanking me for sending them encouraging words. After reading that first paragraph, you might think that’s a bit of a misnomer. Actually I’m pretty optimistic, I just don’t cloud my reality by sprinkling fairy dust over a pile of shit. Life is hard, just ask that squirrel I nearly ran over yesterday. Growing up I wasn’t given too many words of encouragement. I had a Mom who was basically a child bride, trapped by the convictions of her religion. And a Dad raised in the

I woke up with a shout again, fearing another 2 or 3am wake up call. But I was happy to see it was after 5:30am this time. The paranoia of my mental state, along with my broken body are definitely not a winning combination, especially when all I want is a goods nights sleep. At least this time I didn’t wake with the usual heart palpitations. Still I have moments of vulnerability when I worry and I’m sad that things are not going as planned. Too often we want to paint a rosy picture of life when actually things aren’t that great. But I look out the window next to my bed and see the dawn peering through the blinds, and I’m reminded with each night, light eventually comes. What is life really, just a series of moments? Or is it our individual stories of how we maintain each other? I can’t pretend to know the answer to that. I am just one sad broken man struggling to sleep through the night. So why do I continue to speak as of I know some great secret. Life is not just about survival

There are days when I just assume not get out of bed, and go through my usual routine. Where I could get up when I felt like it, and do what I want to do. But those days are long gone and each morning I get out of bed, check my blood glucose, and pop 13 pills. Still my burden is probably no different than of yours. You get out of bed, get dressed, wake the kids up, and follow the traffic jam to work. Yeah I get it. We each have our own weight to bare. That often feels like a carnival ride we’re about to throw up on. I’m not sure I could handle that kind of pressure anymore. I spend my days hidden in this room, no noise, just an occasional car passing by or the sound of a bird in the bird feeder. I’m burdened by time, by that I mean I watch the world tick by me. Not really an active participant anymore. I suppose that’s how old folks feel, rocking in their chairs at the old folks home waiting, watching. If it feels like I’m not making sense, then maybe you’re right. It’s just one

History it’s a tricky thing. The latest trend is “to live in the moment”. Now while it is very important to focus on living for today, we still have history and a story to either build upon or work to change. I know that in my life I have had moments that I’d just assume forget. But they are with me and I have to deal with them. Many of us like to whitewash the past with a fresh coat of paint, but in reality the stain is still there just beneath the surface. I know that in my own life, I’ve tried to reinvent myself “nine ways from Sunday”. But each and every time it wouldn’t last for long. Because all I was doing was glossing over the things I actually needed to repair. No amount of affirmations or positive thought are going to fix abuse or poor self-esteem without a fair amount of self-repair. In my situation it involved learning to love the person I am at the moment, and working from there. So many of us carry baggage that we didn’t ask for, yet here it is taking up too much sp

I don’t think of myself as not much of a materialistic person. I mean I have my gadgets, but even those are nothing more than apps on my phone. Checking in with my publisher this morning, I was pleasantly surprised by the sales of my latest self-help/confessional book (#try). And while I hope that each copy brings a little light to each person who reads it. Knowing that people appreciate your work enough to pay for it is a rewarding and humbling experience. Spending a good chunk of your life under a cloud of self-doubt kills whatever potential you may have. And no matter how successful you may eventually become, you always have that seed of failure planted in your soul. I know that for me those seeds of self-hatred and pain, still haunt my thoughts and dreams. By burying those thoughts you only plant the seeds deeper. Denying the seeds even exist only waters them even more. The thing is those seeds are planted there, rather you like it or not. But I discovered that by giving thos

I got up this morning and had to make an 41 mile round trip to my doctor’s main clinic. I had to go there and pick up some medication and get the results of my recent blood work. Needless to say, I didn’t learn anything new, my cholesterol and A1C are good, and I need to stay more hydrated. (Insert eyeroll) Sometimes I think doctor’s just make up stuff to give them the upper hand. As I get older, I feel like I’m more in tune with myself. Maybe it’s just my anxiety, but honestly I think my increased awareness has more to do with my mediation. Since my heart attack I have taken up doing walking mediation. A form of meditation where you place awareness on every step, while paying attention to your surroundings, as you focus on your breathing. This is what I do during my walks, often my wife walks with me in the park. I think she gets the idea of what I’m doing. Although she finds it a little irritating that I don’t talk to her when we walk. Most of the time I’m simply noticing my su

It’s only one in the afternoon and I am spent. Woke up this morning at three am, to help put out a small emotional fire for a friend. Went back to bed, got up, drove to town, went shopping and paid bills; now I’m laying here totally pooped out. It’s not so much the hot weather that exhaust me as much as just getting around. You see, I suffer from Panic Disorder, GAD, and Agoraphobia. Through decades of therapy, plenty of medication, and a lot of meditation; I manage my symptoms much better than I used too. But there are days when the fear and dread of leaving my comfort zone are a bit too much. My wife is very understanding about my situation. But she is disabled herself, so she depends on me for transportation. As you can see we make quite a pair. Today while we were on our monthly outing, I felt pretty good. Being my usual loud, obnoxious self; a mask I wear quite well by the way. But as we were finishing things up, I grew more exhausted and withdraw. Now my heart condition may