Stories - FD Thornton

Cockspur Island Lighthouse - www.nps.gov It’s amazing really, how much a friendship can get you through the day. I recall going through my teens and twenties depending and being depended on my friends just to get through the day. While sadly today, I have less friends then the number of fingers on my hand. Just the spirit of those past friendships has been enough to carry me through the gates of hell.  For a long time I had abandoned most of the friendships of my past. Not so much out of conflict, but the fact that time can pull people apart. Leaving you to fill that void with other relationships over time. One of my problems stems from the fact that I didn’t take the time to create new connections. For the most part I allowed causal relationships fill the void only true friendships could replace. I believe within me this created a vacuum that only got bigger and bigger. That as the months and years went on left me without a safe harbor to call home during the storms. Need

After a day of getting a lot of work done, I predicted today would be one of those, " spin my wheels and end up nowhere days ". Sometimes I hate being right. The thing is that, while I was producing like crazy yesterday; for about a week I was still a hermit living out of my bedroom and office.  Some of you may say, " That may be true but at least you were being productive. " Here's the thing, being productive doesn't mean being healthy or normal. While producing work is fine, it may not make for a satisfied life. For so many years the medication I was prescribed made me a productive member of society but not a happy or content one.  So after years of just skirting by I decided to take my condition by the horns and try and make things truly better. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know the road hasn't been easy. But the journey towards a more real me has been very satisfying.  In my life just getting by has been a sorta normal that expecting

For the past few weeks I’ve been batting around an idea for my next eBook. I’ve been jotting down stories and working out an outline hoping to put together an entertaining and inspirational little eBook. It seems since I’ve totally embraced this writing thing, it’s become something I don’t want to stop doing. In the past I’ve always went on a tangent for whatever project then at some point to either get bored or hopelessly in over my head and run. But I will admit that over the past few years my flights of fancy have been limited. That the last few projects I’ve taken on have been seen through to the end. I suppose this can be all chalked up to maturity ( considering I’m in my fifties ). Or maybe it’s just the fact that I’ve looked deeply into myself and realize life’s just too damn short to not be happy and do the things you love.  While the world appears to be built on the belief in survival of the fittest, I believe we are all given an equal shot at life. That just because on

For a long, long time I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of the love and respect I know my family has for me. But for the life of me with every small victory I have won, there’s still that voice within me that says you’re not worth it. For someone that’s pushed the virtues of pushing through the fear and taking small steps every day; it can sound a little hypocritical. But for me it’s just being as honest as I can. You know in a way maybe that’s what this is all about, being honest. If you are an individual that’s whole persona is wrapped in being calm, fatherly, and stoic. Showing weakness or vulnerability can send your stress levels through the roof. I should know because it caused me to have my heart attack.  Stress is a funny thing while it can destroy you, at the same time it’s a necessary evil that can save your life. Over the last 15 + years, I have read more on the how, what, when, where, and way of stress. Yet when it hits me, it surprises me like i

Feeling like some kinda outsider is nothing new to me. As a kid for whatever reason I got along with adults much better than I ever did with other kids my age. As I got older I did get along better with my peers, but I hung with a tight group of different individuals. By the time I reached adulthood and married, I allowed myself to change way too much for someone I thought I loved. After a heart-wrenching divorce it took me a really long time just to rediscover who I am. During that time I discovered what love really is and married the women of my dreams. We have since raised a family and are beginning to enjoy the fruits of our labor with our grand-daughter. But even with the good things to have happened over the years that feeling of being an outsider always rears its old head. Even now as a grey-haired grandpa in his fifties, I still feel like a fish-out-of-water. Rather it’s my political orientation, my education, and the fact that I’m the new guy in town; I can’t help b

Like most everyone else I can get a bit sentimental about certain things. For one I’m very sentimental about my music; even though I will listen to new artist every-now-and-again, I mostly stick to a set of tried and true performers. I suppose the same can be said for the books I read being of a specific genre, and the clothes I like to wear having to be loose and comfortable.    So yeah, you can say I’m very sentimental when it comes to certain things. But I’d also say that in the past several years, a number of other things have changed. For one my political attitude has changed greatly. But upon closer examination I believe it’s the attitude of my former party ties that changed more so than I. Also when it comes to being sentimental I’m not one to dwell in the past. While I do love reminiscing with old friends, my mind for the most part is geared toward the future. I would rather think of what I’m creating tomorrow than reliving a past victory. I’d rather think of the

Well this has been a  funky  few days, besides the eBook launch, my sinus situation, and now my stomach rebelling (never mind); I've been feeling a bit panicky, nervous, and down just right…  funky . I know my language here may sound a bit jovial, but when you’ve been dealing with Panic Disorder and Anxiety as long as I have; you tend to take things with a casual stride. As I've said many times over, fear and panic are a funny thing. Once you learn to overcome them in one area, they pop up again in places you weren't expecting them. Life can be full of anxious moments that’s just normal. It's that for some of us it’s like the volume knob is broken and our anxiety plays at full volume all the time. I suppose that's why I choose to live in a rural area. Compared to some places I've lived this town is downright deserted and way too quite. But it allows me the chance to regroup when panic has me by the throat. It also gives me the opportunity to function at s

I’m certain the title to this really shows my age because I can remember when Running on Empty was first released. The album by Jackson Browne told of his adventures on the road and the exhaustion of it. (At least that what I got out of it) Anyway, the reason for bring this up is because at the moment, I’m feeling the same way. Despite another rough night, I got up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed ready to face the world. For one I got through several tasks that I had put off for lack of inspiration. And even caught up with some correspondence I let fall to the wayside. But then I stopped and grabbed lunch, which needless to say, dragged me down to a crawl. Why does this always seem to happen when you’re on a roll? Thinking about this it has more to do with my overnight preparation than my early morning inspiration . One of the sad truths of being in your fifties is you’re not in your twenties and even thirties anymore. The days of working fourteens hours straight, hi

By my own hand or through the abuses committed by others, I isolated myself within walls of solitude. These walls created stone by stone by the shaming and taunts thrown at me by those who were just “having fun.” For the majority of my life even to this day, I am influenced by those who laughed and teased that young child. One of the things I’ve learned to do is love myself. Not in some narcissistic way, but in a way that allows you to embrace the child within. But along with loving me I have to forgive those other children who hurt me. Still with release of those painful feelings comes the task of allowing myself to trust and share. Success is a hollow victory if you don’t share it. One of the problems created by abuse is the mistrust it creates of others, as well as, ourselves. The embracing of my inner child has meant learning to trust others and to trust myself. The walls of isolation we create may work for a while to bury the pain and fear. But at the same time they ca

A couple of days ago I was putting together my NCAA Basketball Bracket on Yahoo Sports. ( If you need a good chuckle checkout my sports prediction skills at Yahoo Sports under Ferman’s Clueless Bracket . ) Within the first few hours of the tournament two upsets had blown my whole dream of making it to 32 without a loss. Honestly, this comes as no surprise because in the years I’ve played this annual ritual, I’ve never made it out of the first round without a loss.  But that hasn’t stopped me from playing. Every year when the NCAA Tournament or College Football, the NFL, and even when the Bad News Braves start. I play the brackets, football pools, and watch the BNB’s till they break my tender, excited heart. What I’m getting at is these things bring us excitement. I mean there’s no way I’m ever going to win the Bracket Challenge. Nor does it seem I’ll live to see the Braves win another World Series ( My apologies the faithful, but you know it ).  The thing is we need dreams t

I woke up a few hours ago, had my two mandatory cups of decaf, scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, and jellied toast. I don't really know why I'm mentioning my OCD eating habits other than to fill in space. But for many of us, we can just go on and on about our mundane, no surprise worlds. Guilty! We all want to feel special in some way, but the sad truth is we are usually just kinda boring. I mean no one really wants to see a pic of my Shake and Baked Chicken from last night do you? The point I’m trying to is, while many of us want a little more excitement in our lives. The sad truth is, some of us who are dealing with mental issues like Panic, Anxiety, and Self-Esteem; long for a normal boring day. For far too long my life centered on blocking out the constant talking going on in my head. These voices were nothing more than my own mind telling me I wasn’t good enough, that no matter what I did it would fail. Sound familiar? All I wanted to do was white wash over all the

Recently I had my annual eye exam and after getting my new but same prescription, I decided to order me some new glasses through Zenni.com . I decided to be a little adventurous and order a couple of new styles which are out of my comfort zone. Well my glasses finally arrived and just as predicted they were definitely different. But the real strange thing for me is simply owning more than one pair of glasses.  I’ve been wearing glasses since the fourth grade and for the most part I’ve owned only one pair at a time. But you have to realize a few things, I’m old very school, I’m not very stylish (just ask my kids), and my prescriptions are fairly expensive. But Zenni.com offers me my prescription at a very reasonable price so I decided, “Hey, let’s become a hipster.” (Please, contain your laughter.)  Well now I have five pairs of glasses, three are my regular prescription, one pair of prescription sunglasses, and one pair of computer reading glasses, which I definitely recommend if

Over the weekend I was touching base with a couple of my long distance relatives over the phone. In my usual Thornton-Geiger way the conversations took on the razing we usually give the ones we love. I don’t know why, but with people I am completely comfortable around, I usually end up seeming to torture them with my smart-assed remakes.  For folks that know me, there can be times when I’m a bit of a critical, smart-ass. My cynical nature was honed through years of my own verbal abuse and growing up observing my peers say one thing and do something entirely different. This type of background should be considered normal training for any future comedian or just plain hard to get along with cynic.  I suppose what’s makes these statements odd is the fact that most of my writing is of the positive nature despite myself. So why is that? Actually I have asked myself that question a bunch of times. I think it comes from the pace for which I write compared to the pace for which I speak

For the past few years I’ve worked to truly overcome the struggles within myself. Before now I choose to work through my situation chemically through medication alone. To be honest that worked for a while; but at some point that specter of panic, anxiety, and poor habits would find a crack and rear their heads time and time again. What it took to really make some headway was a more concerted effort on my part to get better. It’s all fine and well to want to do better. But it’s an entirely different animal “to put some feet to those prayers” and really do something about it. My point here isn’t to heap anymore guilt on you then you already do yourself. Believe me, in my ongoing project to be being healthier, happier, and more satisfied is a never ending project. The point is if there’s a problem, don’t ignore it. Recently I had a situation where the kitchen sink kept clogging up. Me, my wife, and even the kids had to unclog the damn thing every day. A solution wasn’t found un

When I first started showing symptoms of Panic and GAD, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. One minute I was fine living life the next I thought I was going to die. It took me a number of months before a General Practitioner informed me I need to see a Mental Health Specialist. On his recommendation I start going to the local Mental Health Facility and from there I’ve been getting treatment. It has taken me many years to get to the point of being open about my condition. On many sides of my life the people I’m surrounded by have very narrow views of the human condition. I’m sure many would disagree with my assessment but one’s opinions are their own. My point here is, knowing what is going on is the first step in being able to do something about it. I feel that a lot of us choose to ignore things, things that in reality shouldn’t be ignored. A recent example would be my heart attack. For years I’ve known my GAD has put a strain on me physically and that the final two c

All around us are reminders of just how tough life can be. Rather it’s worrying about how you can afford your kid‘s college tuition or simply pay for the diapers now need. Life has a funny way of keeping things real. In my writing I often deal with the subject of improving ourselves and what we can do it make life better. But for someone with a full belly and a tank full of gas, it’s easy to expound on the virtues of remaining positive.  But this is the real world and sometimes cars breakdown and the family needs to eat. The power company wants money for the lights and the landlord’s patience’s are wearing thin. While hopes and dreams don’t full empty bellies and promises of a better day won’t keep you from getting evicted, but dreams do have their place; they give us hope that we can overcome the adversities of the day. They give us the drive to be better, to push for more, to not be satisfied with what we see.  It is here where I can feel good about dreaming and it is here w

My Grandma Thornton was always a demure, quiet woman. She seem to be satisfied just being in the background. I remember at family dinners while everyone was sitting at the table, grandma would be moving around the table filling tea glasses. At every family dinner one or more of the family would ask her to please sit down and eat. But she would always reply with, “I ate while I was cooking, I’ll sit down later.” But that’s the way she was, always waiting on others, always quiet. One day during a quiet moment I asked her why she always seemed so quiet. I mean the rest of us have no problem speaking our minds. But in her silent graceful way she simply looked up at me with her brilliant blue eyes and said, “you more from listening than by talking.” Early on listening was a gift that I believe I inherited. Although I’m been known to be a bit of a smart-assed blow-heart, I’ve had my moments. I’m sure a number of my old friends would attest that I’m a good listener and secrets keep

Ever since around 2006, my life has taken all sorts of twists and turns. One of the first being my decision to wholly commit to finishing college. Other twists involved changing my major (a couple of times) then going on and completing graduate school. I’m sure most of this doesn’t sound too strange for the typical college student. But when that student is 45 years old in a class full of 18 year olds, you can see where it could get weird. I’ve always been a dreamer. An undisciplined dreamer mind you, but a dreamer all the same. For me reality set in after the birth of our first child, meaning instead of changing jobs on a whim, you sucked it up and made a paycheck. This was all fine and well, it planted within me the seeds that would later produce the drive to finish my education. So in a way the dream killer of hard, cold reality lead me further down the path to my dreams.   A lot of times twists and turns can seem time consuming and wasteful. It isn’t until much later on tha

Every one of us has one of those days; you know the ones, where your heads pounding and your sinuses are draining, yucky right? My first thought this morning was to bury my head under the covers and count the day as a loss. But reality has a way of slapping you silly when you have things that need to be done. So despite my sore throat and fifty pound nose I got my emails answered, errands run, and the conference call with my publisher completed. A few years ago I would have just wrote the day off and laid under the covers. But as I have grown in confidence the last few years, I’ve learned that some obstacles are worth the extra effort to overcome. Living our lives isn’t something that should be put on hold. I realize the challenges we can face both mentally and physically just to face the day. But at the same time I understand that sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears for some of us just to get out of bed. Far be it for me to try and sound like some slicked back, car sell

Let’s be honest here, how many go back and check a post on Facebook or Twitter to see if you got any “Likes” or “Retweets”? As for myself, I do it all the time. My excuse for doing so is because I’m promoting my blog or whatever. To an extent that is true, I do check to see how many hits I get on a certain posting. But to be honest, I also do it as an ego boast to gauge how people think about me. Now rather that’s a smart way to measure one’s success or expectations, now that you may want to question. Those of us who already tote around a damaged self-image, we should be very careful how we read into others reactions to our social media lives. Just look in the comments section of most any online publication and you’ll see the cruel, heartless responses trolls love to make. And don’t think that trolling is a new thing; it’s just that the pre-internet trolls were brave enough to say shit to your face. Unlike modern trolls that are embolden due to their anonymity online. To mea

At one time I thought of myself as a pretty strong fellow. I’m I took on the responsibility of raising a family of four and being my wife’s caretaker at nearly all the same time. And for a really long time I juggled those damn balls like I was in the circus or something. But you know what, after a while of perfecting my act I thought. Hey, what if I add a couple more balls and maybe set some on fire? Hell yeah, I think I can handle that. Well guess what, I dropped the balls and nearly set my ass on fire. It’s funny the sh@t we sometimes put ourselves through. And for what reason, lack of support, pride, perfection, or good old fashion just can’t say no. I’ve used every excuse and then some. It’s not that I just decided to abandon my family or rage against the lie that life’s just not fair. It’s that I was forced to slow down. You see after a while, your mind may say go, go, go; your body, which tends to be a bit more realistic, throws up it’s hands and says, “time to go now

After running errands over the last few days, I finally have time to get back to my manuscript. You see for the last several years, a number of people I know have asked me, when are you going to write a book? Well for the past few months I’ve been putting together a collection of my thoughts and stories into book form. And with a little work and practice it will hopefully become a novel some out there will enjoy. Right now my work will be self-published through a deal with a Digital Publisher. So while I sit here and form these thoughts into readable sentences, I am a one-man-band writing, editing, and arranging the book. Once I have the story where I want it, it then goes to the digital publisher for distribution where hopefully it will meet some degree of success.   Now that I have out that little piece of self-promotion, given the opportunity to do the thing you love for a living is a dream of most people. All the time we hear stories of entrepreneurs whom worked out of t

As a 20 year old mortality isn’t one of the first things on your mind. Even when faced with challenges like a car accident or falling off a printing press (neither one I recommend doing). Mortality is one of those things you don’t think much about till you face the death of a loved one or witness the birth of your first child.  My first real look at mortality didn’t happen till I lost my dad. Months after his death I would sleep on my mom’s couch while my daughter attended school down the street. We could have easily put her in the school near our home, but it seemed to put mom at ease having us there. But the years passed and mom and ourselves got on with our lives. Then in the mid-nineties we moved some 130 miles away to begin a new adventure.  As the 2000’s approached others that meant so much to us passed: Perry, Mrs. Mary, Mr. Julian, and Grandma. Then wounds cut deeper with the passing with my mother-in-law Kathy and my own mother. It was through those hard years that morta