Fail-Safe


Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss. 

I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (due to illness and medication). When I found myself pushed into a corner, that was often my fail-safe. 

 But I’m slowly learning to reclaim my emotions. Still the years of living without them took a toll. It ruined relationships and severed ties that frankly haven’t healed. But I’m learning to put away the disguises and be who I used to be. Some may find me a little “intense”, but there is a certain amount of freedom it that. The thing is, never stop growing. Never stop trying to be a better you. Never think for a minute you are now your best self. Don’t fall back on fail-safes, keep growing, and find your true self.  

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