Stories - FD Thornton

I sent most of yesterday troubled, stressed as it were by both internal and external forces. It seemed no matter where I turned, the relentless pressures, of the day were gathering around me. In those situations I usually have few avenue’s of escape. So I just end up laying here and waiting for the moments to pass. Used to I was pretty good at ignoring these things away. But for the last few years my defenses have broken down and my once stoic attitude, now gives way to a more agonizing fear. A fear that when stoked hard enough has caused me physical harm. It’s not worth a damn living under a cloud of fear. It destroys whatever confidence you may have built. It erodes away the life you are wanting for yourself and for those that depend on you. I suppose it is the few strands of stability I have left that help me carry on. But lately even those are straining under the pressure. More than anything I feel tried and exhausted. My moments of strength and bravado are fewer and harde

Removing my self from the equation I reside to searching the truth. Exploring the places most are often afraid to go. Seeing my self as I am, I often wonder in a sea of helplessness. Trapped by the chains that have long bond my soul. Unto this very day burying me in the quicksand of indecision and mediocrity. But I still see a bright star ahead as I make my way through this life. I write without rhyme or reason other than my own vanity at times. While at others as a foreshadowing of the dangers I see. But enough of this internal dialogue and more about yourself. What do you seek in this life? Are dreams and plans still in your future? Or are resigned to the fact that nothing is ever coming your way. As for my self I stand atop the border wall. Trying to decide which camp I want to stand. Inner reflection for most is too tedious a task. That can either drive you mad or turn you into a complicit zombie. While becoming a zombie has its perks, it is often the madness that I seek. I h

Jekyll Island Georgia It feels like the walls are closing in, that’s the best way I can describe it. I feel like balling up into a cocoon wanting, desiring to isolate myself. My mind craves the attention, but my heart is so fearful. Such a paradox of emotions I wish would just shut off. To escape into insanity would be such a relief. But the mind remains laser focused on the moment, the guilt I carry of cancelled plans. Just so I can bury my head and hide. I wish I could make those around me understand the weight I carry. But it is only the physical manifestations they grasp. The conflictions of the mind are beyond comprehension. How can someone so outgoing, so stable and calm in appearance be so broken. To shut off my mind would be so easy. Yet here I am diving headlong into the belly of the beast. All I need is a little time to let the mind, body, and spirit catch up with themselves. Because the synchronicity of calm can often get away from me. At the moment I feel the cente

Through the sand and the scrub oaks I searched for truth. And the one thing I’ve learned is, the journey is way more important than the goal. I’ve logged a many a mile on those sandy oak trails. Looking up into the towering pines and searching the trail for deer tracks. In that silent mediation I learned to appreciate the life I have. The people that surround me and the beauty in the simplest of things. We often set goals for ourselves, rather it’s simply completing a daily task. Or something more complex, like achieving goal with our lives. Now there is nothing wrong with planning for your life. Just don’t let that vision rob you of the moments you are now living. There’s an old say, “You can’t see the forest for the trees”. Well here it simply means, you are looking beyond where you now stand. Within my own life I thought I was going to be so many different things. I’d rather not waste your time listing each one, but trust it’s a lot. But with many of these experiences, I lost

Be a good boy, my daughter often reminds me. But sitting around this house is driving me crazy. But I got two more weeks before my next check-up and so far the medication seems to be working. It’s funny how one minute you are living happily with your vices. The next you are clanging to life popping 21 pills a day so you can hopefully see tomorrow. I don’t mean to sound so mellow dramatic. My daughter often tells me I’m not pitiful enough. But she’s sat through enough emergency room visits to know the score. The key for me is to remain calm. I’ve noticed when I allow the world to come in, my blood pressure raises and I start feeling ill. But if I stay within my “125 mile zone of solitude” I’m usually fine.   I often like to push myself. Skipping a meal or working in the yard too hard. But for each of these seemingly positive things there’s a price for me to pay. This doesn’t mean I got to stop living. It simply means I have to make adjustments and go accordingly. Each of us have

Sometimes you just have to resign to the fact that you are not going to sleep. In this case though, it’s got more to do with taking too long a nap then anything else. Still late yesterday someone special sent me a beautiful piece of poetry. A not so sure subtle reminder of a relationship that has meant a lot to me. I am be very open when it comes to me, but my personal relationships I keep close to the vest. I remember as a younger man the strange lonesome agony you can go through. No matter how many girlfriends and good time buddies you got, there’s always moments when you just alone. After thinking I discovered true love the first time, losing that warm touch nearly broke me. So although it’s been a while, I can relate to the loneliness and pain of facing the world alone. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, other than to say. It’s okay to feel that way. Because if you put enough good energy out there, eventually it comes back to you. Suffering as I do with depression

It’s easy to talk about fairness and compassion. What it means to be a good citizen of this country and the world in general. Well if that were the case, why does it seem to be so much turmoil and confusion in the land? A while back before the immigration situation exploded. A friend of mine was spouting off about how immigration was out of control and how all the Mexicans needed to be deported. Being that she’s one of the few people I’m completely honest with down here, I said. “But what about all the Mexicans you employ in the fields?” The reply she give back has never left my mind when she said, “Not my Mexicans.” It’s funny how my problem doesn’t become your problem until it effects you. To be honest the only time we seem to apply compassion and understanding to a situation, is when it effects us. Right now another major storm is heading towards the southeast coast. I live 130 miles inland yet we are preparing evacuation centers in the area for those that will be pouring inland