Stories - FD Thornton

It’s been a rough few days for me. As you may or may not know, I’ve been wearing a portable defibrillator/heart monitor. But the damn thing has been going off lately due to a bad connection to my skin. This makes the defibrillator warning tone go off, especially when I sleep at night. As may you have figured out, this hasn't been helping me sleep. Anyway, I got that situation fixed yesterday so I finally got a decent night sleep last night without any alarms.  Still I woke up this morning feeling a bit bloated, bloated to the point where whatever I put on just "felt" like it was strangling me. Have any of you ever felt like that? It happens to me every now and again. So I decided to change back into my sweats.  So why am I even mentioning this, who knows? I suppose it's to say, there are times when our thoughts can affect us in different ways. That we can become so sensitive to our own body sensations that at times it can pull us away from the more critical task

For the past few days I was feeling a bit out of it. Not quite sure what the real problem was, feeling different aches all the same. Given my recent health situation and other long-term health issues, to say my senses were heightened would be an understatement. With every little twitch or twinge of pain my mind was racing wondering what each of these meant. Like I said, I’ve been a bit out of it. Allowing my thoughts to drag me every which way they wanted. After a particularly rough night of panic, I guess you can say I had enough. I knew that either something was really wrong or my panic was dragging me down that same stressful road again. That’s when I stepped back to remind myself that not only is my present condition real, but that my long history with anxiety is just as real. By stepping back I reminded myself of the things I used to do to keep my anxiety in check. That not every little thing I feel is here to do me harm. By allowing ourselves to run to the past or to t

Below is what I had written in a private forum for individuals like myself whom suffer from this silent disorder. A disorder that can strike at any time for no particular reason.   Hopefully, posting this can help someone out there also who suffers. Good morning. Despite how fine things may be going in life. There are times when you can't help but have chaos sneak into your life. A perfect example would be this very moment. Earlier in the evening I wasn't feeling my best, still I allowed myself to drift off to sleep. Around 4 am, I awoke with my heart pounding out of my chest trying to catch my breathe. I've been awaken way too many times not to know what may have been going on. Another panic attack more than likely brought on by my sleep apnea.  You would think after all these years I'd be conditioned to realize that and go back to sleep. But interestingly the panic has such a grip on your mind and body, I end up getting up and going to the living room. So that I

I know it's been several days since my last post. To be honest, I have no excuse other than a lack of inspiration and just wanting to be with myself. Rather it's due to my ongoing depression or simply a symptom of my current condition, sometimes I just don't want to be social.  Lately my isolation has been because my old friends worry and anxiety have let themselves back in the door. Right after my little hospital stay my attitude was unusually bright. I guess it was because I was happy to be alive. But since then my old friends worry, stress, and anxiety have crept into the picture. You would think after all this time and experience I would be better prepared for such things.  But you know, no matter how many times you fight the good fight, it never gets easier. Oh you might be better prepared, but the way the panic hits you. It's always a surprise sucker punch to the gut. You may ask me, "what do you do then, just deal with it?" In a way yes, I deal wi

I gladly admit that I'm very introspective, I'm always looking into myself and asking myself why. I suppose we all do that at sometime or another. It's just that I feel I cornered the market on being introverted by doing it so much. Maybe my habit comes from the hours, days, and years I spent working by myself. I guess you can say I learned to become my own best company.  But in reality I do enjoy the company of others, just chatting away at whatever thought blows in the wind.  I guess being this way makes it hard for me to understand how others can live on autopilot. Meaning they just live day after day seemingly unaffected by the passage of time. I have friends and family like this, they age and their habits change, but deep down they are no different in mindset or attitude then they were 20 or 30 years ago. I don't know why, but I kinda feel bad for them. That each day they miss the experience of living in the moment. That they somehow simple stopped growing a

Hello. Rather any of you have figured it out or not, I don't do much planning when I put these things together. I sorta go on a "wing and a prayer" when I'm putting down my thoughts on this screen. With that in mind, I sometimes don't end up with a whole lot of new things to say. But if for no other reason I'm clearing the cobwebs out of my head just to see what falls out on the page. To give everyone a taste of the soap opera that is my life. Still I shouldn't really call it that, because life is something we all do rather we feel like it or not. For some of us life is a series chores we go through more out of habit then anything with meaning. But for a few life can be a grand adventure, to be lived and cherished. With every moment becoming an exciting experience. For me I think life should be a little of both the mundane and the exciting. Because you can't survive on too much of one without a little of the other.  As I have mentioned to you on