Stories - FD Thornton

Well I knew it wouldn’t last forever, I woke up thinking, it must be 6 or 6:30. No it was just 4 in the morning. But I won’t complain, it was a good run of 3 straight days sleeping till 6 or 7. But this is what us insomniac’s do. Sadly I’m not focused on much of anything right now. My heart rate is fluttering, but not uncomfortably. I know that might sound weird or possibly frightening, but I’m used to it. Living with this body you get used to a lot of weird shit. The funky heartbeats, the low blood sugar, the sneezing, the panic, wearing a CPAP all night, just an endless list of crazy stuff. But that’s just how I am. I think it’s meditation that puts me in tune with what my body tells me. Before my health anxiety kept me up at night worrying. But for the last few years, not so much. I mean, I have my moments but for the most part, I’m relatively in tune with what my body is saying. We so often tune ourselves out to the world around us. When I go walking, my goal isn’t just to fi

I you want to get an eyeroll emoji from me quick, put up a positive affirmation on your link. I don’t know why those things bring out the eternal cynic in me, but they do, they do, they do. Despite the tons of bullshit I put out, I like to think of myself as an optimist. Still when I read those things they seem so forced. Like the person who wrote it is willing themselves to be positive. In my life, I’ve discovered when I forced myself to think positively, I only end up disappointing myself time and time again. A few years ago, I stumbled upon a book written by Oliver Burkeman, The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking . The book basically tells the story about how positive thinking can lead you down a slippery slope of negative feelings about yourself. The solution Burkeman offers is thinking in terms of the here and now, mindfulness, and loving oneself. Earlier today I wrote a note to someone about how for years I beat myself up for each and every mist

I know none of you asked, but I’ll tell you anyway. I took the last cabbage out of the garden and I’m making cabbage and carrot soup. Cabbage, carrots, or about any hearty root vegetable will last a while in dark storage or the fridge and will definitely warm you up when it’s cool. I suppose I bring this up because planting time is just around the corner. Although I already have onions and potatoes planted. Seeing that I grew up a suburban kid, that hated working in my old man’s garden I’m sure wherever he is, he’s laughing his ass off right now. As the decades pass it’s funny how you never thought you’d get to this age. Right now I’m only a few years away from out living both my parents. That to me is a crazy thought. I don’t mean to weird you out, but in my situation, looking in a mirror every morning will do that to you. History and legacy don’t seem to be as important as they used to be. But I suppose my parents thought the same thing about us. At least I had my grandparents

Sandra Burnsed As usual I’m sitting here taking care of phone calls, setting up my wife’s medication, and catching up on my correspondence for the day. All the usual things we all have to do. Routines have their own way of making life normal. As human beings we tend to let pile on new things. Apart from most other animals, we seek out new things, we plan, we strategize, we more and more things on own plate. But is there a moment when enough is enough? It’s not that the world has gotten more complicated as much as we have gotten more complicated. The influx of information and data can literally make your head spin. Looking at the news recently the company Cambridge Analytica has been popping up as a key player in targeting consumers with half-truths and focused targeting on their fears. Now in all honesty, businesses have been doing this for decades. The part that brothers me the most is the using of personal information without open consent of the individuals targeted. To be tr

South Dune Beach - Jekyll Island, GA After spending the whole day fighting a stomachache and a low-grade fever, I finally feel like sticking my head out the door. That’s because I had to go put fuel in my truck, so I can take my wife to a doctor’s appointment in the morning. I wish I could say my life was more glamorous than that, but it is what it is. We all wish sometimes our lives could be a little more exciting. Unfortunately it’s usually a dull routine. It’s sad in a way how days can roll into weeks and weeks roll into months. The best we can do is grab a few of those moments and commit them to memory. In my own life I have snapshots of memories I hope to never loss. Like meeting my wife, the birth of our children, memories of my grandparents, and my mom and dad. While life wants us to focus on the moment, it’s memories that build the foundation. Sometimes it’s hard to accept how things have turned out. The mistakes we’ve made the things we said in anger. But time has a wa

Image: Sandra Burnsed Maybe today is not the best of days for me to be online. Really not feeling too well, stomach is still acting up and my sinuses are on fire. Around my home if I mention I'm not feeling well everyone seems to go into a panic. I suppose because of my heart history, but honestly, this is an annual respiratory issue and not much else.  But I did accomplish one task this morning, so I might as well keep plowing the rest of this field. But I'd be lying if I didn't stay I just want to crawl back into bed. But what can you do? Sometimes you just have to muster up enough determination to get the shit done. So, believe me when I tell you this little pep talk is for me as much as it is for you. Cause, I ain't feeling it today. If anything I want to be honest with you. It's been a struggle for me to go through the mental health issues I go through. Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Depression are a bitch. Now I have my good days, ev

Ogeechee River - Sandra Burnsed Avoiding the world, avoiding myself that’s just the way it is sometimes. As much as I’d like to think I tackle problems straight on, I often find myself procrastinating. I suppose it’s because I’m not as strong as I wish to be. I prefer my own company most of the time, but when I do get social it’s usually in quick burst. But soon afterwards I’m usually pretty exhausted. It’s funny that I turned out this way, because in a former like I was a very outgoing person. I suppose in a way I still am, it all depends how the winds are blowing that day. Still I medicate, and I meditate using both worlds to pull me up to face another day. But in all honesty, I just assume be alone. That’s sad in a way. Most of the time I wish I could shut off this self-examining part of myself and just drone through life. Get up go to work, put in my 8 hours, clock out, and then go home. But I can’t do that, I have to force myself to sit in front of a television. I’d much rat

I’m laying here this evening, heating pad on my belly and an ice pack on my head. I so badly want to feel sorry for myself. But despite how deep into the abyss I go, I still see light. I stop wasting my time trying to convince myself I was special a long time ago. I know for a fact I’m not much different than any other person out there. Still there are things that separates us from each other, for me I believe it’s my powers of observation. And the fact that I am a supreme cynic. These two talents have served me well and have caused me pain. Life is a classroom, if you allow it to be. There should be no point in your life where you stop learning. The minute you feel you’ve learned it all, is the moment you allow yourself to die. Life is a continuing circle of life, death, and life again. Lately I’ve been spending too much time thinking of the end. Watching my heart bump up a needle on a stress test will do that. But in all seriousness, I just can’t give up on living. Deep within

Jekyll Cheek This morning like every morning I woke up turned on my laptop and login to the website No More Panic. Every other day I either sow a seed of encouragement to a now member or I tell a story about myself. For over six years, NMP is been my sanctuary a place where I can go the reveal my deepest fears. I mention this because for the past few years I’ve been very open in my public life with my struggles with both physical and mental health issues. Recent tragic events have once again placed a spotlight on those of us with mental health issues. And to some extent that causes me alarm. Because lumping all individuals with mental health issues into one basket as no different than saying all Jewish people are cheap or that all African-Americans are lazy. Stereotyping is an easy way to make a group of individuals seem less than. My point here is quite simple, quit lumping others into some easy little basket. Because frankly it’s shameful and it’s wrong. If anything we Americ

Patience it’s a word we like to throw around when we seem anxious. My Grandmother used to tell me I had the patience of Job. Especially when going through my divorce and I had to move in with her. To be honest I don’t know if I’m really all that patient. But if you are not too careful time will slip through your fingers like tiny grains of sand. Sometimes I sit here at my desk, my back turned from the picture window to avoid distractions. Still I often hearing our special needs son humming to himself in the room next door. Staring down at my laptop, the cursor blanking oh so patiently. Thinking about the world and my place in it. Many of us seek a degree of attention. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be posting pictures or telling our boring little stories. It just goes to show the common tread we all carry deep within us. That core desire to commune and tell our story. In a way this blog post isn’t much different than the stories our ancestors told around bonfires, fireplaces, and kitchen

It was a quite Sunday morning on the Panic and Anxiety Forum that I go to everyday. No More Panic is an old school forum site for people that are dealing with panic and anxiety issues. Not much different than a virtual AA meeting, I find that simply confessing my feelings is a great relief for my troubles. Also every Sunday morning, I have a conversation with my father-in-law. We causally talk about this or that, the usual light banter two man would have. The reason I bring up these two things is to say, sometimes you got to give to get back. For a long time I allowed myself to suffer in the dark. No one, not even my friends and most of my family knew I was suffering. It wasn’t till I discovered group therapy and No More Panic did I realize having a support team behind you is the best thing. Here in the United States we live under the Cowboy Code. In that we are at our best toughing it out alone. That is such horseshit. While I believe in being strong and taking care of yourself, s

Today I go to the doctor for my three-month-follow-up. Something I seem to do with quite a bit of regularity since my first heart attack. The thing is I also suffer with panic, depression, and anxiety. Things that were major contributors to my heart problems. Along with chain-smoking a pipe and my obvious obesity. But despite my lifestyle changes, the damage is done. So I live with the specter of congestive heart failure, which doesn't help much for my continuing panic and anxiety. If I sound a bit trivial about the whole thing, it's because I am. After 20 years of living with something always going on, I suppose I'm a bit "tried" of it all. Not to the point that I've given up, just "tried" of being sick. Today I'm going into the doctor's office feeling a bit underwhelmed in a way. This past week has not been the best. My stomach has been acting up, my sinuses are on fire, and to top it all off I've had tightness in my chest.