It's Everything


What is self? What is healing? In the Christian faith I was taught self is inherently bad. That the seeds of the father are passed on to the son. That the only way to break the chain of inherent sin is to give up one’s self. To take on a life of selflessness and servitude. Now your option my vary, but that’s how I was taught. A few decades ago, I found myself broken. But to be honest it started a lot earlier than that. I walled myself in creating this shell of “everything’s fine”. But deep inside I was slowly dying.

In the process everything around me had to die as well. My escape was to abuse and lash out at everything and everyone I loved. All the while killing myself with “a thousand tiny cuts”. Friends and family insisted I had just lost faith in God. But when you found myself under the covers balled up in the fetal position crying for help, and no help comes. You tend to get a bit jaded about the whole God save me thing. Again, your option my vary.
 
What I have learned since then is for me to forgive. Not only myself, but those that harmed me. That self is important to one’s well-being as well as one’s life balance. That without sadness there can be no happiness, that without pain there can be no healing. We are all connected us humans; not only to the earth, but to the sky, and anything else. To think more of one over the other throws us out of balance. To lose one’s self is a slippery slope; it can throw things out of balance. Listen I'm not here to judge your faith. Just know that life is more than just surrender, it’s forgiving yourself. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fail-Safe

Image
Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (due to
Read more

Moments You've Lived

Image
It’s 5:15 in the afternoon and my stupid ass is back outside. I just checked the phone and it’s a balmy 90° with a feel like temperature of 99°f. I figured since I was hot in the room with the AC on, I might as well come outside and do same thing. Earlier I read a funny meme from my sibling on Facebook that read, “Can someone send me a hug?” copy and share. Rather sarcastically I replied, “We are not huggers , didn’t we grow up in the same house?” Probably no truer words have ever been spoken about our lives as kids. Oh, we weren’t beaten or overly abused, we were just not raised all “touchy feely”. Not surprisingly most kids of our generation weren’t raised that way either. We were provided for in our working class suburban homes. It’s just that a lot of time wasn’t devoted to things like feelings and emotions. You were expected to tough it out and swallow those tears. I guess one place where we could let our emotions go was church. Raised during the infancy of the “Pentecostal Moveme
Read more

Blowing Breeze

Image
It’s later in the afternoon so I decided to take advantage of the lighter humidity and come back outside. There’s a lite breeze blowing so while the gnats are still out, at least they’re having to put in some extra effort to lite on me. You can still smell where the grass got cut this morning, but sadly the faint scent of BBQ from the restaurant down the street is gone.  The poor old sycamore tree leaves look a bit sad. Hanging like they’re on their last leg from the limbs. There’s no point in bringing up the fig bush/tree, it’s all but shed most of its leaves. It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago both plants were vibrant and green, with a bountiful crop of figs. But the birds have mostly abandon their nest in the fig branches. With the kids grown and the shade and food supply dried up, I can’t say I blame them.  But I’m the human here, I’m adaptable with opposable thumbs. I can’t move on as easily as the birds. My so-called cognitive reasoning insist I stick aro
Read more