The What If

If you’re like me then you’re one of a bunch of people that think too much. For a really long time I have been one of those folks that creates my own stress without even trying. The way I usually do that is by creating “what if” scenarios. What I mean is, let’s say I car is coming in the other lane sometimes my mind creates the scenario “what would you do if he crosses over the line?” Now nine times out of nine the car passes by me, but my heart would race and my hands would tighten on the wheel planning my escape route. This not only happens when I’m driving, it happens while shopping in a store, or even while walking around the block. What if scenarios for those of us with Panic Disorder are an everyday thing.

Now medication helps no doubt, but for me the important part of my treatment has been the cognitive and internal therapies I engage in. For a long time I thought that I could will my way out of panic. What I’ve discovered is that no amount of will power is going to pull you away from the vicious cycle of self-abuse and self-hatred. I had to learn to give myself a break. You see over the years I have worked to drag myself out of this hellhole of just getting by and knowing I could do better. But while I was working my way through getting a better education and building a network of professional peers; I was still putting myself down for every small misstep, and telling myself I wasn’t worthy of my progress. 

Along with all this self-built up anxiety I was dealing with the “what if’s” of panic. Needless to say my self-destruction mindset was coming to a head, which it did a little over a year ago. But as odd as it sounds my stay at Club CPU was enlightening and peaceful. Maybe it was the idea that I was being monitored 24/7 or the idea that after all those years of fighting I could just let go. After my 7 day stay, and the months of monitoring and after treatment things seemed to be heading back to my old self-destructive path, but a few things about my stay at Club CPU stuck. One being that despite my efforts my family would be okay; and second, my consist worrying about tomorrow wasn’t changing a damn thing unless I let go.

The “what if’s” of life are just that, what if. An old saying my Grandma used to use was, “If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass when he hopped”. I can question the “what if’s” of life every day, but would that change how it is? That bullfrog doesn’t worry about bumping his ass all the time, he just keeps hopping. He takes the hand he was dealt and goes on. That’s the philosophy I now work with every day. Now does this mean I take the crumbs I’ve been handed and make due? Hell no! It means work from where you are and make things better. 

At this moment my life is no richer moneywise than it was several years ago. But when it comes to the peace of mind I go to bed with I’m a thousand times richer than I was last week. The end goal is to do the best you can to be a happier, better you. Trying to convince myself that I was better than the man I was inside never really changed a thing. All it did was convince me even more I was a worthless pile of shit. Since letting of the idea I am beyond loving and forgiveness has changed who I am. It has made me wiser and happier with the person I am. The thing I desire to tell you is flaws and missteps are all a part of living, the thing is do your best and live in the moment.