Stories - FD Thornton

Morning Walk Funny how time seems to get away from you when you’re having fun. Well, my sinus issue turned into laryngitis, which turned into acute bronchitis. So after a four hour visit to an empty Sunday morning ER (I know, right), and another sleepless night, here I am. Normally you would think I'd be in bed and maybe I should. But I have a 9 am appointment with a pharmacist about more $$$ medication. While I feel bad and would much rather be taking it easy, it's day end of the month and these bills aren't going to pay themselves. Besides I'm kinda pissed away. Not at the ER and anyone else but pissed at myself. I should have stayed on top of my health situation, I'm not 25-year-old or even a healthy 55-year-old. But I got checked out and received two more prescriptions. So instead of sitting on my ass, I waited till the crack of dawn and went for a walk. I'm glad that I did, because it is a beautiful morning the suns out, not a cloud in the sky, plus...

Well the last few days were kinda rough, and to be honest, this one isn't much better. While the suns finally out after a few days, my sinuses are still giving me hell. The other thing that's stressing my out is the fact I'm broke as a church mouse. My only means of income are my book sales and ad revenue on my websites. I can't really work at a normal job, mostly due to my heart condition. And the government doesn't think I'm worthy of any assistance because I write. So I do what I can do to make ends meet. But despite all that shit I actually feel pretty good mentally. For one thing, I don't bottle up all those emotions like I used too. I use this forum and my writing to vent my feelings and let those emotions go. I'm not saying you should tell your every secret to the world. But one great tool to fight panic and anxiety is to be honest with yourself. Stop trying to hide behind some false hope. Realize you are only human and humans screw up and h...

I’m tried, my left ear is completely spotted up, my sinuses weigh 50 lbs., and well let’s just say I’m tried. I’ll warn you right now this is going to sound a bit like a pity party. But that’s okay every now and then you got to allow yourself one. I use my writing as a way to prop up an already fragile ego. I suppose you can say I talk up a good game. And most of the time it works, I have accomplished a thing or two, I thought I never would. But at the moment I don’t feel that way. Much like Trent Reznor’s words, “my empire of dirt”. My world feels like it’s sinking fast. It’s funny, it feels like for every five or six steps forward I take; I’m taking seven or eight back. I was quite the delusional optimist in my younger years. Always managing to pick myself up after a fall. But lately that trick is getting harder and harder to do. I may still roar like a strong lion, but in reality, I’m a toothless, broken old man. I still got an hour or so before the medication starts kic...

This is going to be one of those, I really don't feel like being here, but I'm here anyway days. Yesterday I took my wife to catch her ride to Charleston, SC for her “Girls Getaway Weekend” or as I like to call it a "Wine Crawl". I really don't mind her going, it's good for her to get away from me for a while and frankly vise visa. All the girls are probably thinking their husbands will be watching sports or fishing. But to be honest, I'm working on a long overdue kitchen project I'm going to surprise my wife with when she gets back. It's funny how people can assume things about you. Most women would assume a man would rather spend the weekend goofing around. But just like those of us that suffer with a mental illness most assumptions can be wrong. I feel sad for those of us with mental illness because we often feel like we must hide our illness, like it's a Scarlet Letter. But you know what it isn't, it's simply a circumstance fo...

I got through an entire frozen winter without getting sick. Then a few Spring flowers and a little hot, wet, and cool weather does me in. I’m sick as a dog, running a temperature and losing my voice. Nice. My bride has been telling me for a week she wasn’t sick. While the whole time, coughing all night, nearly peeing in bed. Now she feels better, while I lay here with the blankets pulled over my head. This shouldn’t surprise me, it’s been going on 30 years. First the kids get sick, then they bring it home and get me and their Mom sick. It’s a vicious circle that you hope would end as they get older. But here we are, still worrying about the kids getting sick. We have a son with Asperger's syndrome and for the most part life is fairly normal. But there are still times let when he’s ill that the lack of communication skills gets in the way. At 27 I wish we had the services you can find in a larger community. But here in rural southern Georgia, help for the mentally challenged a...

Each morning when I get up the first place I go to is the website No More Panic . A website devoted to those of us that suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic. I usually read through the “Newbies” post and find those no one has replied to, just to give an encouraging word. This was my reply to one person who is a long-time sufferer, who questions if this illness is a life sentence. This is my reply. I have suffered with anxiety, depression, and panic for 20 years. Much like yourself I have lost jobs due to my condition. At the moment I take ###### 40mg and 30mg of #### daily. But like yourself, I've taken various combinations, to finally settle on these two. I also practice meditation and mindfulness to counteract the effects of my illness. I'm 55 years old and there are times when I get tired of this shit. There have even been moments when I quit medicating all together and for a time did okay. But you know what, panic has a way of finding your weak spots. So about f...

I hate repeating myself, but last night was kinda rough. Now yesterday evening was enjoyable, I listened to some music and half watched some television. But for the past week an old pinched nerve behind my shoulder blade decided to come back and visit. So it’s been a week of lying flat on my back, applying fire and ice. Mind you, I’m not feeling depressed or panicky, I just couldn’t get comfortable to go to sleep. So I tossed and turned till I bored myself to sleep. This morning isn’t any better and sitting in this chair definitely isn’t helping. That nerve feels like a dull stabbing pain behind my shoulder and running up my neck. But after my morning correspondence, I’m in the mood to say something despite how I feel. Sometimes you just got to soldier through things you really don’t want to do. On my plate are several tasks I’ve been putting off, but at some point I have to get them done. I suppose I can use my physical pain as an excuse. But the world is a cruel task master tha...