Whole Self
I’m tried, my left ear is completely spotted up, my sinuses
weigh 50 lbs., and well let’s just say I’m tried. I’ll warn you right now this
is going to sound a bit like a pity party. But that’s okay every now and then
you got to allow yourself one. I use my writing as a way to prop up an already fragile
ego. I suppose you can say I talk up a good game. And most of the time it
works, I have accomplished a thing or two, I thought I never would.
But at the moment I don’t feel that way. Much like Trent
Reznor’s words, “my empire of dirt”. My world feels like it’s sinking fast. It’s
funny, it feels like for every five or six steps forward I take; I’m taking
seven or eight back. I was quite the delusional optimist in my younger years. Always
managing to pick myself up after a fall. But lately that trick is getting
harder and harder to do. I may still roar like a strong lion, but in reality, I’m
a toothless, broken old man.
I still got an hour or so before the medication starts
kicking in so I can start feeling like the slick smart-ass I like to be. But what
will that really accomplish? I often ask myself if it’s time to put away the
bullhorn and sink back into the abyss? Was that pitiful enough? My secret has
always been to give my negative voice a chance to speak. Bottling up all that
negative energy does nothing but build a bigger bomb for your mind to use
later. Find a healthy realize, let go of the fear and pain. Balance, balance,
balance is always the key. Find your greater path, keep taking those steps, and
never let one side or the other win and be true to your whole self.
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