Whole Self


I’m tried, my left ear is completely spotted up, my sinuses weigh 50 lbs., and well let’s just say I’m tried. I’ll warn you right now this is going to sound a bit like a pity party. But that’s okay every now and then you got to allow yourself one. I use my writing as a way to prop up an already fragile ego. I suppose you can say I talk up a good game. And most of the time it works, I have accomplished a thing or two, I thought I never would.

But at the moment I don’t feel that way. Much like Trent Reznor’s words, “my empire of dirt”. My world feels like it’s sinking fast. It’s funny, it feels like for every five or six steps forward I take; I’m taking seven or eight back. I was quite the delusional optimist in my younger years. Always managing to pick myself up after a fall. But lately that trick is getting harder and harder to do. I may still roar like a strong lion, but in reality, I’m a toothless, broken old man.

I still got an hour or so before the medication starts kicking in so I can start feeling like the slick smart-ass I like to be. But what will that really accomplish? I often ask myself if it’s time to put away the bullhorn and sink back into the abyss? Was that pitiful enough? My secret has always been to give my negative voice a chance to speak. Bottling up all that negative energy does nothing but build a bigger bomb for your mind to use later. Find a healthy realize, let go of the fear and pain. Balance, balance, balance is always the key. Find your greater path, keep taking those steps, and never let one side or the other win and be true to your whole self.   

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