Price of Admission

 

After dropping my pills and drinking my magic potion that keeps my poop stuck together. I stared out the window for a moment at the same glaring bright sun I did yesterday. I watched thousands of people in Times Square watch a glass ball drop to announce a New Year with a bunch of folks kissing and singing an old song they didn’t know the words to and then walk away. Outside I heard fireworks going off for the next half hour then it all seemed to go silent. While my wife lay next to me fast asleep.

So here I am on this New Year’s Day with one bird chirping outside the window and hangover cast of Good Morning America talking through the walls. Beneath my computer monitor is a couple of bracelets I used to wear. One with glass beads and a craved blue turtle and another with wooden blocks with my children’s initials on them. Along with two glass turtles I brought at the Turtle Center years ago. All surrounded by various prescription drugs I stated and stopped taking over the past several years of my life.

Thinking about all this shit in front of me and considering it’s the start of another month and another year. I can’t help but think, is this all there is to make up the last ten of so years of my life? On paper I ain’t worth a dime, a few predatory leaders and a ton of student debt own my soul, but not much else. I have a ton of documents stored in my daughters storage building, which I have given her permission to sort through. Mainly because her mother won’t be able to sort through when I finally leave to mortal world.

Within them are unopened letters of bills and final noticed and Lord knows what else. But nothing really important like deeds or cash bonds and things like that. Like I’ve said on a many occasion I ain’t worth a damn thing. My bank notifies me every few months how bad my credit rating is. I guess just to remind me just how worthless I really I am to them. But I pay them $10 a month to put up with me. Later today I’ll be working on paying our monthly bills including the rent, the electric bill, my wife’s TV bill, and a slew of other things we think we need.

But in reality, what do I really need? Most of the shit I pay for is to keep my wife and son happy. While the shit I play for to occupy my mind are less valuable to me them the bracelets and those damn turtles. So what then keeps me fueled and energized? To be honest, that is often a mystery to even myself. Is it the satisfaction I get of raising successful children and seeing my grandchildren? Is it the 38 years of marriage I’ve got to experience from a woman that depends so much on me? At this point damn if I know.

Maybe this is just me having the Christmas Blues. The ultimate letdown most everyone experiences once the holidays are over. Then we all limp back to our ordinary lives or busting our ass for some nameless shareholder. But hey! I don’t have to put up with that anymore. For I have officially given all I have to God and County, and I can sit in the luxury of my retirement which the rich and privileged love to call entitlement. Funny how we are often painted by those that never walked a step in our shoes. Yet the have the gloss and the polish to convince our neighbors that their troubles are all our fault.

So I apologize for turning this optimist time of the year into another rambling complaint about how I feel. But need I remind you I paid for this platform monthly, so I get to say what I want to say. Till the day comes when I can’t. so polish your gifts and shine your trophies for a day will come when they are tossed in the trash like my life’s work. So shine on you crazy diamond, for who will eventually make the pilgrimage to your grave, unless you’re The Tombs of the Unknown or Elvis, plus price of admission.    

#Reflection #Inspection #Honesty #ThoughtsAndPrayers #GettingReal