Stories - FD Thornton

This is from last years surgery.   It’s creeping close to noon-time, and for the last few hours I’ve been scrolling through messages and social media posts. Some of the posts are funny, some sad, or enlightening; but all sent to stir up attention. Believe me I’m just as guilty as anyone else, if I weren’t I’d just keep my posts to myself. But I don’t, I share them. Last night was a little rough, I woke up cramping on the right side of my rib cage. With my life as a professional pill taker, my world is a crazy balance of making sure the medication I take to live, also doesn’t kill me. In other words, one medication I take to strengthen my heart can also lower my blood sugar dangerously low. So we have to adjust one other medicine, so I don’t lose too much fluid and dehydrate. All the while still taking that medicine to control excess fluid from building around my weakened heart. I know, it sounds crazy as shit. But I do what I got to do to keep the machine running. Kinda like an...

  At 10:30 in the morning, I finally got a taste of sweet tea and lemon on my lips. Already this morning I’ve taken myself and our special needs son for a haircut, at the old barber shop next to the Piggly Wiggly. Mr. Bob the owner isn’t as old as me, but he religiously keeps the TV turned on to Fox News. I’d much rather watch Peppy the Pig or Bubble Guppies, but each to their own form of fiction. But my son is used to Mr. Bob and will even speak to him about how he wants his hair or a sports team. So I’ll take my dose of propaganda with a grain of salt, as long as it gets the job done. It’s funny how people in a barber shop keep tight-lipped to themselves. Old men staring down at their phones like a pack of teenagers. But even teenagers today seem to be bored with all the technology. Collecting vinyl records and reading actual books, more or less like we did as young people. But responsibility keeps us moving like the second hand on a clock. Counting every second, trying to mana...

  It’s 3:33 in the afternoon. Usually, I’m just waking from a nap, but today I had an eleven o’clock confab with my hematologist. Every eight weeks I get checked to see how tired my blood is. Turns out it remains stable at the same shitty numbers it’s been running. So, I guess I’ll see them in eight weeks! ​ Not to be confused with the blood work for my kidney doctor, cardiologist, urologist, or GP. My oil gets changed regularly. For me, if my blood’s tired, it’s from driving to all these specialists in three different cities—not including the eye exams, hearing tests, and begging a dentist to see my nine or ten broken teeth with exposed roots. ​ I’m a shitty sight. If not for regular showers and washed clothes, I’d look like I live under a bridge. But give the current administration time. ​ So what’s the point? I guess I’m just too stupid to give up. Mentally I’m a certified trainwreck with the paperwork to prove it, yet here I am—like a wad of gum you can’t scrape off your shoe. ...

  After a night of raw seventies-style fever dream, I woke up disturbed again by the whole thing, struggling to make any sense out of it, considering that’s not the way I grew up. I mean, I didn’t grow up in a low-income trailer park or surrounded by desperate people who always stay in trouble with the law. That was to come much later with the people I associated with after my first wife. But who knows, maybe that’s where the dream came from? Now, I’m sitting here some 40 years older and a lifetime away from that world. Still a stranger in a strange land, tiptoeing his way through the landmines laid by the natives. But even when I do make it home, I’m a stranger there myself. For time still affects us, whether we know it or not. And like most humans, we take the path of least resistance just to make it through, even if it means abandoning the moral values we once held true. So I sit in my “cone of silence,” creating my own world, surrounding myself with like-minded people. Peop...

  With my head on a swivel I spy the corners of my room like a prisoner with a slit for a window and a gym mat for a bed. Plotting and wondering about my next move, because that’s all you got to do. Except for the few moments you are outside or when you get mess call to prepare meals. It’s a routine with a hierarchy born out of intimidation and necessity. Where everything’s a little game you have to play, the side hustle, the secret deals. Funny thing about this prison, is it’s all voluntary. No one sentenced you other than yourself. But you stay because you have to, because you’re needed, because you think you got nowhere else to go. So you serve your time, till a hearse finally rolls you out and they bury you in the cold, cold ground. Don’t sound like much and it doesn’t mean there isn’t a little excitement. Like a visit from a friend or a phone call or two, don’t forget the long letters home that get spied upon by god knows who. So you don’t think about it much—you...

  Well you can tell school’s out; every youngin with a tablet, smartphone, or a video game is up this morning. Sucking every meter of data out of the fiber optic stream and have been since this weekend. Last night my phone would barely run music let alone stream video. While this morning my laptop still hasn’t woke up, running at dial-up speed, lagging while I try to use a word processor. The bad part is I pay premium cost to get the fastest speed, the problem is so does everyone else! But you can only flush so much shit down a pipe at one time unless you put in bigger pipes. So I’ll get off my soapbox now and learn to practice patience for the next four months. Life has a funny way of showing us we are not special, that we are just part of the status quo. The thing is, most average people already know that and deal with it. But there is 1 or 2% of the population that lose sight of that. They literally think their shit don’t stink, or at the very least don’t care if you smell i...

  Waking up this morning, for some reason I decided to bring up my daily newspaper on the big screen to read while putting my medicine together. What I had forgotten about was the reason I decided not to read my digital newspaper in the first place. No better than the headlines screaming across my TV on news channels were the headlines of doom and gloom. It meant that if I wanted any sliver of cited information, I was going to have to dig deep. So I turned the app off and went back to real life, finishing a call to my urologist about a prescription. It seems like even reputable news sources have jumped on the hype-train to catch more views and subscribers, while the forces of FB, TT, and 24-hour news all fight for our limited attention spans. It doesn’t seem that long ago when I’d see my dad or granddad at the kitchen table, their heads buried intently between the pages of the Savannah Morning News or The Evening Press respectively. Even as a kid, I’d ask for the comic strip ...

  Sometimes it feels like all is lost. So often we amplify the responses in our heads with the worst sort of things. The car breaking down and not having the money to get it fixed. The light bill is past due, and the fear of having the electricity shut off. A pencil breaking in the middle of a test, all sorts of things. And for the moment, we panic not knowing what to do.   Funny because I’ve lived through each and every one of these situations in my lifetime. Cars breaking down on a lonely stretch of road, on the Interstate with the kids in tow. The power getting shut-off multiple times in the summer, winter, and fall.   And with each of those times, it was up to me to pull up my “big boy panties” and get things done. You can ask my kids, although they may not tell you, we had it rough for a long time. But with each setback it made them tougher so they could face the roadblocks in their lives. Fortunately for us there wasn’t too many physical aftereffects, ps...

Jekyll Island, Georgia   Despite my better angels, I’m here at the keyboard typing away for the first time in a few days. For months, my wife and I had planned a trip to the beach to do some seashelling. But, as it is with most things, good intentions get trumped by the reality of life’s demands. Still, with a couple of extra bucks in my pocket, I decided I owed it to her to take her down to Jekyll. For the average healthy person this trip is a no-brainer—just hop on US 341 and head South till you run out of real estate. But for the past ten years or so, nothing in my life is a “No Brainer.” ​So, despite temperatures in the mid-80s and my increasing fatigue due to new medication, by sheer will I pushed ahead and made the trip. I made sure I hydrated well before the trip, and I think that helped make the whole thing more bearable physically. Still, my bride seems to have enjoyed combing the three beaches we covered to find her shells. After a fair night of sleep at a budget motel,...

  Well, I assume I made my last run over to my daughter’s house to tend to the dogs and cats. They are leaving their holiday resort in the morning and heading home. I took out the trash, sprayed the furniture and the curtains with Febreze, and put the dogs and cats in the yard, fed and watered. Outside my apartment window, the neighborhood cat is toying with what looks like a big field mouse. I wish the cat would get the job done before the damn thing gets into an apartment. Other than that, the world's still a-turning as I work on my second cup of decaf. Of late, I have been having long conversations with a young (at least to me) person who is a recovering addict. At the moment, she has been struggling not so much with her addiction, but with life’s circumstances. Living alone in a motel room, abandoned by family, she has no money, nothing of value to pawn, and nowhere to go. I really feel for her and can sympathize with her situation, being that me and my family have been in ...

  I finished up feeding the dogs and cats and changed their water. Sent them outside into the yard, took my own bath and shaved, because frankly I stank. Now I just got through taking my own meds and cleaning up my crowded computer screen. My blood pressure is normal for those of you keeping count. Although there’s not many of us left that remember when that was a thing in conversation. I feel like getting back in bed to be honest. But my wife took that idea away by making up the bed. Still my eyes are feeling heavy, but I’m doing my damnest to stay motivated. But considering it’s the middle of the month and all the things that drove me in life have either moved out or work themselves. I starting to feel like one of those old folks rocking the morning away at the old folks home in Lumber City. Our goals are different now, gone are the obligations that kept us chained to a job. If you’re lucky you get to work a job for something to do. But sadly most of us old timers have to work ...

  I spent the early part of the morning working on some Painted Poetry me and Sandra Lynn had collaborated on over the weekend. Putting the finishing touches to the painted end of her words, while I’m still fiddling around with mine. It’s a habit that has extended through 4 marriages, 7 kids, and God knows how many grandkids. But it’s something we have done together, if for nothing else but our own entertainment and letting go of the secrets that we keep. For a while we had hit a bit of a dry spell, but recently we’ve got the old factory running again at full production.  Most artist usually keep to themselves, and I am no exception. Sandra is a busy little lady managing a warehouse and being the glue for her expansive family. Our blood runs deep, with a shared passion for music, words, and peace. While I wear the same old curmudgeon armor I have worn for years. But we both have our needs and our desires we have carried since childhood. So we except our fate and do our damne...

  The sky outside can’t make up its mind, rather it wants to be blue or grey. As for my own head, well it feels about the same. Chewing down my gummies there’s a sweet taste lingering in my mouth. While the sky outside grows darker and darker, looks like its headed south. As for me it’s hard to say where I’m headed, my body says to get up, but my head wants to go back to bed. In this semi-urban spawl, if you want to call it that. Small towns sprung up between miles and miles of Georgia Pine. Erasing from your imagination any idea of what this land was like a hundred years ago. With a freshly paved expressway rolling aimlessly to the beach. This place looks nothing like what it did a mere 50 years ago. But apparently the attitude has stayed the same, with the Fat Cats in Atlanta and Washington telling these paranoid want-a-be Lumber Barons how to think. But today there are no lumber barons now, just corporations and big power owning the land your Great-Granddaddy’s sold years ag...

  It’s 10:30 AM and the candles finally lit. I spent the first two hours of my morning driving 65 miles round trip to give a blood sample, which for me takes all of 3 minutes. But when you live in the woods where you have a food desert, a doctor desert, and a hospital desert; what do you do? Don’t worry though, I ain’t complaining too much considering there are those worst off then me. I mean, I do have insurance and a way to go. Other than that it was a pretty uneventful trip, traffic was light. The long construction zone before I got to the labs was fairly smooth, and Dave the lab tech was efficient and quick. So now at 10:45 AM I can sit down with my brain mostly intact and tell you a tale. Other than a headache it’s a bright shiny day outside, not a cloud in the sky. Sitting here with nothing in particular weighing on my brain, other than missing a few friends and wishing I had the time and money to go to the coast. It’s going to be Mother’s Day this weekend and my bride sure...

 Staring in the mirror I don’t take too long to think. Because if I do, I’ll reflect too long on the wrinkles and grey hair that now cover that once youthful smile. Still I laugh at the thought of all the time I spent just being busy and not appreciating the moments as they came. But for the last 30 years, I’ve been forced to think and appreciate such things. But still the mask remains secure, holding in the thoughts of stillness and calm. Only displaying the wit and the showmanship that has been my life. ​So I sit here with the curtains drawn to the afternoon sun. Debating with myself about the words I wish to say. Knowing dreams are but subconscious emotion playing out in my head, wishing for more but getting less. So I leave myself asking this question, which one of me is truly me? The joking, wisecracking, happy-go-lucky fellow you see? Or the reflective man you read about behind these drawn curtains? I dare not answer that question, at least not out loud. For each of us is n...

 That damn blinking cursor is taunting me again, staring at me with its blink-a-d-blink little self. But that’s okay, I just laugh at its power over me. While I continue to type the gibberish that eventually turns into words, that turns into statements of truth. I talk to a few budding writers out there and a lot of them compliment me on my style and the things I write about. It picks me up believe me, especially for a guy with no wealth to speak of. For my writing at the most has bought me a decent dinner or two over the years. But the main thing we writers always come to is the subject and the material. Which is funny to me because my main subject is usually myself. I mean, what easier or lazier thing can you write about other than yourself? But still my limited audience expects that or wants nothing else. So I dilly-dally about writing my little 300+ word salads every day, for the benefit of no one other than myself. And you know what? Maybe that’s the key to good writing, ent...

  Done with all the usual. The vitamin gummy tastes good in my mouth after a job well done. Yesterday morning, I went to my Family NP to get an official blood pressure reading and some bloodwork done to check on my new medication and my lightheadedness. Well, the results came back, confirming her suspicions and diagnosis. So now, it’s just a waiting game and a bit more of being very careful when I move about. I hate sounding a bit paranoid about my health, but I am. However, I do my best not to water those seeds of fear as I used to in years past. By living in the present moment, there is a certain degree of awareness concerning your health and wellness. It’s not that I don’t fear death, but I’m also not ignorant of my quality of life. So, I do my best to keep myself as healthy as I can given my current situation. Life is about awareness and the quality of life you live. None of us want to be uncomfortable, I’m sure, but at what cost do we pursue that level of comfort? Over the...

The Old Sycamore Trees  Maybe it’s a little too soon to start another life post, but for the better part of the morning I’m going to be arguing with two pharmacies over who gets my prescriptions. So while I’m in a hopeful frame of mind I thought I would at least start this story. This morning began like most stories, only this time I slept through the night, and my bride was the one that kept waking up. I told her I hadn’t noticed her getting up, in which she replied with a snarky, “I know!”, and thus began my peaceful morning. The neighborhood cat is hanging outside the neighbors window this morning. Apparently ignoring my mental pleads of “Good Morning”. But I shrugged it off as just another cat picking and choosing their victim for the moment. But isn’t that how most of us deal with who we want to deal with, and who we don’t. For a moment I caught the smell of wild honeysuckles across my nose. As if to remind me of my old yard and the scents I caught on the old park trail. Spe...

  Chewing on my vitamin gummies, after taking a shower and downing my pills. A neighbor from the other building takes her little Frenchie out for a walk. While a daddy follows behind a toddler chasing the neighborhood cat who gladly stops and welcomes a rub. As for me I’m stuck behind these four walls much like McCartney, but stranded by my own choice. Now Granny, who am I kidding, Great-Granny has finished walking the dog and the cat from yesterday is stretched out on the sidewalk. Wearing my new uniform of a green plaid oxford shirt, an orange t-shirt, and grey shorts. I sit behind my table pretending to know the next thing I’m going to say. With little to no imagination I press the keys to entertain no one other than myself through a morning of anticipation and grace. Before I got out of bed I heard the anger of a new friend against a newly remade app. Listening to their frustration as my “Good Morning!” to them was being sent. But I understand the situation, for I have them ma...

Recent Child's Drawing from Ukraine   Chewing on my gummies is a sweet little treat after popping, breaking, and mixing all the other medicines I take each morning. Outside it is a bright blue morning compared to yesterday, but considerably cooler, thank God. It is a brisk 44° f and believe me I ain’t complaining especially after our two-week summer blast. We only have a few more weeks before my little ceiling stumpers will be out of school for the summer. So I better enjoy these last few weekdays of quiet while I can. It is a bit funny how the weeks, months, even years slip through your fingers like sand as you age. And where last month seemed to last for two, this month is already halfway done. But I don’t complain too much considering my life has been reduced to just adult care and housekeeping, where it used to be daycare, adult care, cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, and an outside job. But Lord knows I ain’t patting myself on the head, for one their are hundreds of tho...

  Well let’s see how this mornings going to turn out. Woke up about normal time, I slept through the night, did my normal morning business, and took my pills. Then I got my glucose meter ready by pulling it out of the bag and assembling the lancet and pulling out a test strip. I inserted the test strip into the meter, then shot the lancet into my finger, and yes I wiped with an alcohol pad. Then put the meter to the blood droplet and within a few seconds got my reading. I know all this is old school tech considering all the new fancy wearable meters out there. But when your Medicaid won’t pay for a fancy new meter you get what you can afford. So before you moan and cry about it, I’ve been doing it this way for well over 30 years, so I don’t even feel it anymore. But these are the sacrifices we make for good health. For 30 years I haven’t had to go on the insulin shots like my parents. I still take a combo of metformin and another product, and my GP is happy with my A1C, so why ch...

  With the taste of my two gummy vitamins fresh in my mouth, I notice how the temperature this morning is creeping up. So with a cup of decaf and a bottle of water I prepare my body for another hot and sunny spring day. My young buddy on the sidewalk waiting for his ride and the one lone cat hanging around his feet are my only entertainment as the morning sun casts its shadow on the 100 Building next door. I go through my normal itching and nose blowing in-between typing out nonsense until my point is made. But what is the point? Writing without any set goal or reason other than to hear myself think makes for a pretty dull morning sometimes. So as it is for today, as the young man catches his ride and it’s only me and the black and white cat lying on the lawn. With no purpose, no focus, and in a way no home. Another sip of decaf through the straw tells me there’s a story to tell in that. Of how we focus on things, and obsess about things we cannot control. Like other people’s att...

Finally Got A Haircut   Going To Do About It At 63 years old, nothing really surprises me anymore. Which in a way makes life kinda dull, but you take the good with the bad. Well yesterday afternoon while at a convenience store I was in line behind a rather unhealthy fellow not much younger than myself. He was buying a tall can of a Red Bull type of energy drink, which he immediately opened. Not having the right to judge considering my current state of unhealthiness, I felt bad for him considering I was in the same state a mere ten years ago. Back then I was an overweight, smoking, diabetic, that was totally stressed out. It took an act of fate and sheer luck to straighten me out. I am by no means perfect, I still need to lose about 50 more pounds, but I track my health religiously, I don’t smoke, and I stay away from caffeine. I still have irreparable damage to my heart, liver, back, and lungs but I get by. I suppose my thought on all this is that I was given a second chance, a...

  Staring once again at the blinking cursor gives me a momentary frill cause I never know what the next words are going to be. Staring out into the quiet blue sky, the apartment across the way seems so peaceful. Painted light green with white trim, it looks like a large family home in any modern suburb. With iron fencing around the property with a picnic area and a playground, it looks so inviting. Yesterday afternoon we signed our second year lease with the same apartment we signed our first lease. In between the property was managed and maintained by another company we hardly ever saw. But starting last month our old manager and maintenance man came back after what I could guess was a crappy year of managing. I guess even in the world of corporate housing, good help is hard to find, when wanting to turn a profit. But enough about profit margins and shareholders dividends the world is so much more than greed and return on investment. Funny that for nearly three years of my lif...

George the Duck   Had another hard night sleeping till I woke up around 4:30 this morning. Then around 6:00 the phone kept pinging repeatedly by my “Waljacked Shopper” asking about substitutes on my order. Other than that, I’m not the snotty mess I was yesterday, I think the replenishing of lost fluids did the trick. While part of me thinks it’s way too early to be doing any high functioning thinking this morning, the more cynical side of me reminds me there’s never too much high functioning going on anyway. So with all my Southern Baptist charm, let me extend to you a “Good Morning, Ya’ll!”. I can’t seem to get my mind out of the future tense. Meaning my mind is focused on things that are to take place down the road and not right now. I doubt I have to tell you how that can create mistakes in the moment, much less anxiety about the future. But with my already hyped up brain planning as it does. I can’t help but worry about the logistics of an upcoming medical procedure I am goin...

  After a little too much “Thump, Thump” from the parking lot last night, I finally went to sleep. I was then awakened by the ding on my phone with the bank telling me I wasn’t broke… yet. Getting up did a little manly maintenance then started my day. I thought about heading to the local state park, till I realized it’s the day before Easter and thought better of it. It’s not that I mind hearing little youngins hunting Easter eggs, as much as it’s the glare I get from the parents. All wondering what a old fat white guy is doing in the park all alone staring at their kids. I can’t say I blame them though, cause I would do the same thing. Anywho, I’m sitting here at my desk enjoying the relative quiet of the morning. Watching my neighbors shuffling back and too from the apartment building next door. I just got through posting the last story I worked on, and my mind isn’t really in any headspace. Just letting the noise of the box fan absorb the clutter, allowing these words to flow ...

Adobe Stock   After hours of navigating construction zones and oversized loads, I finally made it home. We signed paperwork for a young woman who hasn’t found herself yet, with a large tabby cat and a boyfriend wanting babies. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that at 64 I still ain’t figured nothing out. So I gave her the same old stick about my overachieving kids, leaving out the parts where I couldn’t help them one bit. Why spoil the life of a bright eyed kid, full of potential and student debt. I remember sitting in classrooms with young people, with so much hope and energy, while me and the instructors would laugh under our breath. Now as my own children settle into middle age, even their overachieving minds can’t help but see the doom and the greed. Just like my grandparents probably thought to themselves, energy and ambition is wasted on youth. So I sit here too tired to even make myself a sandwich or watch my soaps. Busy typing out thoughts that only a handful of you ...

Adobe Stock   Nothing can kill your inspiration quite like trying to pay bills while “robbing Peter to pay Paul”. All day today I’ve found myself playing “Wack-A-Mole” with utility bills, apartment rent, and loan payments. All while trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip, as my Grandma would say. Even now with most every option and angle worked out, I still find my head spinning with the wheeling and dealing I’ve had to do. But to my average reader I ain’t telling you anything you don’t already know. It’s just when you think you’re three moves ahead, something new comes along that drags you back to the starting gun. I hate talking about money, I wish my life by now were comfortable enough that what I made would be enough. But it never is, is it? Light bulbs go from costing $1 a piece to $4 with a promise of costing you least. To buying a pretty new shiny light up keyboard to help the strain on your glaucoma-laden eyes. I know I picked a shitty time to write anything right now, b...

  For us it’s a Red Flag Day, which for us has nothing to do with the coast. But has everything to do with low humidity, high winds, and fire warnings in the area. But looking outside I don’t see anything but low hanging grey clouds and wind. But the forecast calls for partly cloudy skies and high winds, so there’s a risk for fire. Yesterday our youngest child began moving in some of his stuff from his former residence. So by the first of the month we’ll be one packed in family again. I can already see the strain creeping in, the outward disrespect he has for his mother and older brother. Traits that irritated me in the old house and I plan on stopping in the new house. The biggest irritant will we loosing my office and moving all my shit into the bedroom. So no more view of the pecan grove and hello to the apartment across the way. I’ll miss my morning sun, but I won’t miss the glare. It’s just a shame the morning view and opened windows will be lost to black out curtains and sing...

  I didn’t want to wake up in a foul mood. In fact I went to sleep after watching the only show my wife and I watch together. But around 3:30 in the morning I was awakened by the most realistic dream I’ve had in a while. It was so real that I’d rather not talk about it for fear of it coming true. Anyway knowing I had to get up to make a doctor’s appointment this morning, I tried to go back to bed. When I finally did go back to bed around 5:00, I woke up again to another more fantasy based dream. With the weather foggy as hell outside, I have some two hours before the appointment. So I hope by then to clear the cobwebs before heading to another boring 3-month checkup. After putting together my wife’s pill dispensers for the week, I make note of the pills she forgot to take for each day. I know I should keep up better with her pill count, but with that and planning and preparing the meals. Then making sure all of our son’s needs are met, I then have to make room for all of the othe...

  I watch the wind twist the branches of a young sapling embedded in the pecan tree, while the sun brightens to the golden hue of dawn. I hear the calls of a morning dove mixing with the morning traffic and flushing of upstairs toilets. Not everything can be the quiet call of the morning. So things are the compromises we make in order to live in a civil society. But if you exist long enough, those noises become nothing more than the background noise of life. As I sit at my desk the sun’s glow stretches out across the study walls, reflecting off the beige paint onto the black screen. But I don’t mind, it’s all just a part of my morning routine. Today is inspection day, where all the apartments receive an annual cleanliness inspection. Which basically amounts to checking to see if you have any drug paraphernalia or at the very least, see that your apartment don’t smell like weed. Which I feel is kind of silly, since the breezeway smells like a pot dispensary. But the things you put...

  For whatever reason, I’ve gotten into the habit of taking selfies of myself. I know I’m about thirty years too late to jump on the bandwagon of that fad. But I figured, why not? For far too long I had/have such a poor self-image of myself, I figured what a better way to break that taboo than to take a selfie. So above the story is my latest selfie, wearing a favorite pink shirt, comfortable teal T-shirt. Although you can’t see them I’m wearing grey sweats and my favorite tie on sneakers. If you notice on my wrist are two bracelets, one I made with my kids initials and another that tracks sea turtles. I normally don’t wear the bracelets much anymore, they usually stay on my desk. But today with the sort of island vibe my clothes were giving off, I figured I’d put them on. Even though I’m some 100 miles away from any ocean. I don’t swim, I have a primal fear of water. Something I’m sure I’ll carry till the day I die. I respect the water, and I’ve ridden a many a mile on transport...

Google Gemini Here we are again in the middle of the night. Buried beneath the covers of the bed, with my bride gently snoring by my side. After a day of quiet tension I did my best to keep myself hidden. Away from the glaring lights of reality for most of the day. But after the lights went out, I buried my head into the conclusion of an audio book. That unexpectedly triggered some past and present trauma I thought I could avoid. I don’t blame the book, a recent autobiography that deals with a lot of physical and mental abuse. But still I kinda thought I had gotten over most of that, but listening to someone else’s truth showed me a mirror into some of that trauma still hidden within me. Still I pressed on and finished the audiobook knowing it had an encouraging ending. It’s just interesting to see how the seeds of your own dark past can be replanted from just a reflection. But like I said, I can’t blame the book for all of it. I walked into this situation already watering those seed...

  What spiritual power, if any, pulls the soul down to the lowest of lows? Some might say your sign is in retrograde, or that God Almighty is just teaching you another lesson, or that your chakras are out of alignment once again. Each one would entail that you as a person are weak and fell out of grace with whatever you believe. But after 27 years of being diagnosed with chronic depression, GAD, and a myriad of other mental illnesses, I choose to believe that it’s more than just another bad day. Or that somehow the gods are upset with me. Being the cognitive creatures that we are, we love to find a label for everything. But sometimes even the deeper sciences can’t explain the mental warfare going on in our heads. Is it environment or genetics that causes us to be bat shit crazy sometimes? But why can’t it be both. I feel the environment along with inherited physical traits have brought me to this point in my life. And before you start to pity me and say, “I’m glad my genes aren’t t...