An Honest Response

I wasn't really planning on writing anything today. But the other night for no reason that I'm aware of, my old friend the defibrillator went off then stopped. It was warning me that it was about to shock me, but like I said it stopped before it did. 

 If you read my post with any regularity you know of my recent health situation. But for the past few months I’ve worn the monitor/defibrillator all has been quite. So when this thing woke me from a sound sleep, you can imagine it sent me into panic mode. Even though I know it was either a glitch or maybe I rolled over wrong, with panic there’s no reasoning with the situation. So you’re left there to ride it through.

 After breathing through the panic and working to face the fear. I finally went back to sleep. Still when I woke up the next morning I was still a bit unnerved. As usual I tried to ignore what I was feeling by burying myself under the covers. Then I decided to get up, pop my meds, and at least act if it was just another day. 

 I don't know how much more I could tell you without sounding a bit repetitive or simple telling you stuff you already know. I guess my point here is, when I do face the fear I'm experiencing or at least express it, like writing this post. I do feel a bit of relief and hopefully gain a little wisdom from the experience.  

 At the moment the tension of the experience has now eased. And for me being honest about my life with panic really helps me live with it better day to day. It’s so sad that for me and many others, living under the umbrella of having “mental issues” still brands you somehow defective. 

 If nothing else this illness has granted me the empathy that we should all have for those “less than perfect”. In a society that preaches winning is the only thing.  How ironic that in this “winning society” we have had leaders, statesman, and thinkers; that were imperfect, physically challenged, and mentally ill.  

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