Purgatory



I know I've told this story a least a thousand times, about how I moved my family out west to the mid-state and that over the years our little family has become part of the area. Yet for the most part, I still remain a stranger in a strange land. It's been 23 years since I left Savannah and even years before that, I had lost a lot of my roots. So here I sit, a little smarter, maybe; a bit wiser, hopefully; and a hell of a lot older, definitely. So why after so many years do I feel the pull of wanderlust yet again?


You'd think by now I'd a put down some roots. But hell my kids have more roots in the ground then I do. It's not for lack of trying; it's just that every time I feel some roots growing; they get yanked up like a weed. I often think of my story's not much different than my Uncle Mack’s, in that he for so long desired to put roots down, but never really did. I mean he'd live in one place for a while, even decades, then he'd eventually pull up stakes and move on. Maybe that's the way I am, I mean I do have that blood running through my veins.


Still at the same time the blood of a good provider and homemaker flows, so why the wanderlust? I'd like to think it's because of the potential I still see in myself. But given my track record of failure, realistically that's nothing more than a pipedream. I mean shit, I'm more than a half-century old with no place to call my own and not enough stuff to fill the back of my Ranger. My life screams temporary resident.


The real burden comes from the fact that other lives depend on me to somehow lead them through the darkness. But in this situation, it's no more than the blind leading the blind. Oh, I can put on the bravado of someone that knows what the hell he's doing. But honestly, sometimes I'm scared out of my mind.
  

The moral of this tale is we are all get scared. For some of us the process may last a lot longer than for others. But for us dreamers the pot of gold is always just over the hill. So when we consider putting down roots it can feel like we’re giving up. So until I get over my fear of missing out, here in purgatory I will stay.

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