I am Still Trying


 

I‘ve been writing a shit ton lately but none of it I’ve felt much like publishing. While I’m usually not afraid of exposing myself in word, lately I’ve been more inclined to just keep things to myself. I suppose most storytellers go through that, especially if you run out of things to say. But to be honest, it’s not like I’ve run out of thoughts. As much as those thoughts I’ve been thinking might be a bit disturbing to some people’s ears. So I’m doing what my Grandma Thornton taught me and just keeping my mouth shut.  

Living in a world of psychobabble and instant answers, we tend to drift towards the easy answer. But sometimes smarts aren’t the answer to your pain. So what can you do? You could search for answers to the pain yourself, which is what I did. For years being the troubled person that I am, I kept all that pain to myself. Without even a companion to truly confide in. So I wondered the desert till I stumbled upon the teachings of a selfless little man. That taught me through example to face my fears, not with apprehension, but instead with grace. To have the courage to listen and embrace the man that I am.

So even at this moment I’m still trying to give myself a little grace. Living in the here and now and fixing my problems as best I can. In my Zen practice I am far from perfect, but I am still trying. For it is the experience of facing your discomfort that eases pain. By listening to that voice within, you can drain the weight of that burden from your soul. It may not feel like the easiest solution. But for me it was either this or continue to wait on some divine intervention that never came. Life is all about searching and growing. But it’s when you grow comfortable with yourself that you are then truly lost.

#Troubled #MentalHealth #ListenCompassionately #Forgive #Zen 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fail-Safe

Image
Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (du...
Read more

One Moment

Image
  I just popped my gummy vitamins into my mouth; they are the treat I give myself after taking my pills. In the distance I can hear an ambulance taking one of my fallen brothers or sisters to the hospital. Out here in the wild frontier of the slow moving South, we play by a different set of rules. Some of us listen to our doctors, while some of us don’t. Some of us hedge our bets against a Preacher or faith, while some of us raise hell till our dying breath.   Here in this house we’ve done a little bit of it all. Singing Hallelujah! While raising cane with the same breath. I’ve never professed to be a Guru or a Shaman or a Preacher for that matter. Even though I come from a long lineage of Christ following men. But the other side of my family also studied chakras and practiced folk magic. So I’m a mixed up product of all those things, wrapped up in a bag of loose skin and bones; with one foot Praising Jesus! And the other following Zen.     So you may ask, what i...
Read more

What It's About

Image
  Opening the windows to the bright sunshine this morning. There was still a layer of fog draped over the ground of the pecan grove next door. Earlier this morning while me and my bride get dressed, I usually glance at my phone to see if I had any messages from the night before. Among the messages was one in particular from a lovely woman who’s poetry I admire and have come to know. Mind you, I keep no secrets from my bride, and she knows the name of nearly every person I communicate with online. Well after reading her lovely note I flirted a bit and said, “All that’s missing was a photograph”. Which she sent a picture of her at her desk. I sent her back a note say, if any man didn’t appreciate waking up to that in the morning, they were a damn fool. Then I said, that I basically wake up every morning appreciating the woman I wake up with, and wished for her the same. Then, I assume to some of yours surprise, I showed the picture and what I wrote to my Bride. Which she in turn sa...
Read more