Where You Is


 

To understand love, first you must learn to understand yourself. Looking back at my earliest memories I remember the emotions of joy and laughter. As I dig deeper though, I find emotions of being tolerated and ignored. Most of us I’m sure were given a little bit of both, much like a blended cotton shirt. A sturdy 80/20 blend with strong roots in faith and a little mental neglect sprinkled in for stretch. I suppose the main thing is, what parts stand out the most in your mind?

Now I’m not making light of mental health struggles, cause Lord knows I’ve had my share. For nearly 30 years I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, PD, and a host of other letters. I’ve spent nearly half my life focused on the causes and trying to get better.

Funny thing is even with all that planning; I only made baby steps in my recovery. The one thing I now realize through all my searching is that, without taking a compassionate look at yourself, I never found peace. When understanding love, we first have to look at our expectations, meaning what are we trying to get out of the situation. For a long time my yearning for love meant grabbing for attention. Then it meant being that best friend. Till now for the past 40+ years it meant being the caregiver and provider.

Funny thing is none of this seemed to satisfy that id that is inside of me. But again, the honor and faith I grew up with kept me on the straight and narrow. I didn’t have extramarital affairs; I didn’t over drink or sneak around and party. For one I couldn’t afford to, and second I’d already done all that in my youth.

Still I look for completion knowing I didn’t feel whole, despite having a successful family life. So why was I still so miserable? For one thing I had to get rid of the ego that was telling me to grab for something more. When in fact I had everything I needed already inside me. The seeds of love and compassion had already been sown, and it is up to me to clear the clutter and find them. Life is about balance, not the absence of one thing over another. To find love, water the seeds of love, and then watch what blooms.

#Mindfulness #LoveYourself #Compassion #Seeds #Zen        

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fail-Safe

Image
Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (du...
Read more

What It's About

Image
  Opening the windows to the bright sunshine this morning. There was still a layer of fog draped over the ground of the pecan grove next door. Earlier this morning while me and my bride get dressed, I usually glance at my phone to see if I had any messages from the night before. Among the messages was one in particular from a lovely woman who’s poetry I admire and have come to know. Mind you, I keep no secrets from my bride, and she knows the name of nearly every person I communicate with online. Well after reading her lovely note I flirted a bit and said, “All that’s missing was a photograph”. Which she sent a picture of her at her desk. I sent her back a note say, if any man didn’t appreciate waking up to that in the morning, they were a damn fool. Then I said, that I basically wake up every morning appreciating the woman I wake up with, and wished for her the same. Then, I assume to some of yours surprise, I showed the picture and what I wrote to my Bride. Which she in turn sa...
Read more

One Moment

Image
  I just popped my gummy vitamins into my mouth; they are the treat I give myself after taking my pills. In the distance I can hear an ambulance taking one of my fallen brothers or sisters to the hospital. Out here in the wild frontier of the slow moving South, we play by a different set of rules. Some of us listen to our doctors, while some of us don’t. Some of us hedge our bets against a Preacher or faith, while some of us raise hell till our dying breath.   Here in this house we’ve done a little bit of it all. Singing Hallelujah! While raising cane with the same breath. I’ve never professed to be a Guru or a Shaman or a Preacher for that matter. Even though I come from a long lineage of Christ following men. But the other side of my family also studied chakras and practiced folk magic. So I’m a mixed up product of all those things, wrapped up in a bag of loose skin and bones; with one foot Praising Jesus! And the other following Zen.     So you may ask, what i...
Read more