From Myself


Since many enjoy reading about my pain and suffering, today I woke up with a blinding sinus headache and good dose of the “whoa is me’s”. The headache I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain, but the “whoa is me’s” is just a good case of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sure everyone goes through it and I’m pretty damn sure we each got our own way of dealing with it. You either cry in your coffee or get mad and act like me, and turn into a cynical asshole. 

So for my own protection and that of others in my life, I’ve barricaded myself in this room. Hoping that at some point my headache will clear or my attitude towards the world will subside. Right now all my chips are riding on the headache. Self-deprecation is a defensive weapon I use well. Self-forgiveness is a new tactic I still have difficulty managing. Asking forgiveness of others is an even harder task to master. 

From a world where relentless bullying was the norm. It’s still very difficult for me to sympathize with those from a different background. My initial response would be to let them deal with it. But I am trying to be sympathetic, although every fiber of my being is telling me not too. All I know is that I need more work. So as my headache rages on, I am simply not equipped at the moment to deal with certain situations. I need time. A luxury that has seldom been afforded to me, especially from myself. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fail-Safe

Image
Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (due to
Read more

Child in the Sixties & Seventies

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned being a child in the sixties. Well just today a dear friend of mine reminded me about some of the things we had to do back then (1972) compared to today's average 10 year old (2012).  First you have to understand we had no cell or smartphones, internet, personal computers, or digital anything. No music downloads, CD's, DVD's, Dish Network, cable TV, or VCR's. By '72 I think we finally got an ABC station giving us 4 TV stations to pick up by the rabbit ears (ask your Grandparents). Also, if I remember right, we got our first color TV around '72, a 19" portable Sears Brand TV.  But before you sit there and think, "God, what did you do all day?" In the afternoons and summers we played...outside. I know it sounds crazy, but our parents your Grand & Great-grand parents let us outside. We all had bikes and after breakfast we hit the door not to be seen till dinner time. I was blessed to have grown up on a dead
Read more

A Little Poem

Morning Rain. Watched it begin to rain this morning Light, then heavy and strong And from my limited view I thought How perfect I lite my pipe and drank my joe Watching the smoke rings As they hit the top of the pouch and thought How perfect Looking out I thought of nothing Simple watching the raindrops Come over the edge and hit the steps, thinking How perfect Even from one's limited view, one can see perfection It may be a bird on a branch, or a child at play Still, it is perfection In such an imperfect world How perfect FD Thornton, 2012
Read more