Something Right


Probably one of the strenuous lessons I ever learned. Was how innovative you must be when you have no one else to depend on other than yourself. As a caregiver for my wife and the decision making parent for my children. It was always front and center how stressful my life was. And how alone and isolated those emotions made me feel. Even with a dear wife who wanted nothing more than to be an equal partner. The stresses of making family and financial decisions were often overwhelming. 

I don’t know if my kids or immediate family ever understood the stress and fear I was under. Mainly because my go to reflex is always to be a cynical jerk. Meaning that I would treat any crisis like water rolling off a ducks back up front. That may show how strong you are, but the results usually end up leaving you looking and acting like…a jerk. So I’m pretty sure I was never a shining example of great parenting to my children. But frankly I was just trying to do what I could to keep them alive. Damn the outcome or what they thought about me. 

Like I said, that’s a pretty intense and hard shell life to live under. But that’s how I was raised. I came out of a fairly solid suburban background that underneath wreaked on underlying issues. I’m not trying to make an excuse for how poor or well anyone thinks of me as a parent or spouse. At this very moment I’m still having to care for my wife and oldest son. I am still the absolute worst at managing everything sometimes. And I still say shit the pisses off and traumatizes many number of people. So I’m trying  maintain my distance and I choose carefully to whom I confess. (Obviously ya’ll are fine). So I live sorely with my regrets hoping that at some point I did do something right. 

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