Burdens We Bare (Bear)

It's 4:30 in the morning and yet again here I am bearing my soul to you. When you carry the burden of Panic Disorder, even on good days the thought of something going wrong is never far away. It's almost always at night when this happens, I'll be in the middle of a sound rest and my body jumps to attention. My heart racing, my stomach tied in knots and for no good reason. Once I finally gather myself an hour or so all I'm left with are the dying embers of a once peaceful night. So I go about my day presenting the strongman on stage. Never once removing the mask that reveals what lies underneath. Oh but once the sun sets and the and the darkness falls. Vulnerabilities and fears come to the surface reminding me of who I really am. This is the burden I most bare.

When I started writing this, is was trying to remember which word to use “bear” or “bare”. Well bear is used when you're​ carrying something. Bare is used when exposing something. To be honest, both words fit well. In that, panic is a burden which I carry and a burden I wish to expose. For far too long I allowed myself to suffer alone, shaking in the silence not even telling my bride of my pain. Then I discovered there is strength in numbers attending group therapy and online forums. But it was still a closed loop. I mean my wife knew as did a handful of others. To the rest of the world, I just having health issues.

Even while attending college, only my advisors and their bosses knew the truth. Most every Instructor didn't have a clue unless it affected my work. As far as classmates and study teammates, they were never told. I did that mostly out of pride and the fact I was working towards a career. Putting panic disorder on a resume doesn't get you too many callbacks. So while I was working on my issues and developing a repetition among my classmates as a “go to guy”. Still deep below the surface the fault line pressure was building. It all came to a head the day of my Capstone Exams for my MBA. At the University capstone's are a series of exams you take to prove your proficiency at the various courses taken throughout graduate school. And as you can imagine they are hard and terrifying. Needless to say I suffered so greatly from the stress that I suffered an actual physical heart attack.

As they say, the rest is history. That was in 2015 and since then I have discovered that just dealing with panic, anxiety, and stress are fine. But to really be proactive at overcoming it, you must get at the root of the situation. Medication and feel good slogans may be fine in the short term. But this is a lifetime thing and the only way for me to face it was expose my condition to the world. As a teller of stories it is my job to pass truths along. So for the last few years that has been what I am doing. Once I announced to the world I had a mental health issue I knew I could kiss my career good bye. No business wants a reject right out of the gate, right? So I've made it my business to tell my story. In hopes that maybe my stories can help someone else. And to also expose the myth and stigma of living with mental health issues.

So here we are back at the beginning with the sun breaking across the sky. I suppose to once again tie a pretty little bow on this I should say, this life is all you got. For whatever reason many believe they get a do over in the next world. Well that maybe fine for them, but I'm on a clock here and I got shit to do. Listen we all have our burdens to bear and suffering in silence isn't the answer. Now I'm not suggesting you expose your laundry to the world, but at least seek a solution to the situation. Remember life is what you do with it, so don't waste it and don't let someone or something take it from you without a fight. Be at peace and give love.