Stories - FD Thornton

Wow! That was a doozy. It’s not often that I have good panic attack anymore. But when I do, they’re hard to forget. A few moments ago, I woke up with a shout. My heart was a racing, I was short of breath, and I had to run to the bathroom. Now you may think that sounds like a heart attack. But if you get up and notice many of the symptoms starting to ease. In my experience it’s usually a classic panic attack. But still, that doesn’t make the experience any easier to deal with.  I don’t think I need to tell you what brought on this latest little episode. The current state of world affairs, the sudden changes in routine, the onslaught of bad news; have all contributed to this rush of stressful emotion. Not to mention me running out of my anti-depressant medication a few days ago. But in this “pay-to-play” healthcare system we live under, it’s a wonder this doesn’t happen more often (insert very large eye roll). Listen, I’m no hero for overcoming mental health issues. If I were

It’s nearly 12 noon and I finally got a chance to go outside. Between answering messages and baking an apple cinnamon cake with brown sugar glaze (from scratch). It’s a wonder I got out this early. My oldest daughter (AKA: Nurse Ratchet) checked on me wanting to know what I needed from the store. Nothing much I said, just some butter and bread. I told her I could just go to the Dollar Store and get it myself. Which sent her into a 15-minute tirade on how I am in the “high risk category”. I reckon I shouldn’t be so upset getting waiting on hand and foot. Five years ago, I was in a situation where I had no choice. It’s just that since then, I am often reminded just how dependent I still am. Anyway, it is what it is, so you get up, put on your big panties, and deal with it. For a really long time I was the one in charge. When disaster struck, I was the one to save the day. Between my son and my wife, I guess I still am. The rest of the kids have moved on creating lives of thei

The sun has finally broke through after a cloudy morning. After lunch and a long nap, I got up feeling a little worse for wear. I’m running low on my anti-depressants so I had to cut down my dosage. So that may have something to do with it, but who the hell knows. I sit outside with my back towards the sun. My hands shaking like a feeble old man. It’s a funky little tick I’ve noticed just recently. So I guess I’ll just add it to my already long list of peculiarities.  I’m doing my damnest to last at least a few more years. But my focus on life and death is driving my family crazy. But in a world so focused on itself why should my obsession be any different. In the years that I have lived it’s surprising I’ve made it this far. Between my self-hatred, and apparent desire for slow self-destruction, I often ask how did I get here? Without trying I seem to have achieved a dream of being slimmer. But even that along with a myriad of other goals has still left me unfulfilled. So a

The old box fan blows, adding a bit of comfort to an otherwise uncomfortable night. I took a really long nap yesterday so it’s not surprising I’m awake now. Still the noise of the fan blades are a reminder, that even in troubled times, some things remain the same. The tension in the air is thick. As thick as the humidity of these very un-March like days. Even I am not immune to it, sitting here in my own little corner of the world. But I know there will be better days. For as I listen, just outside my window the mockingbirds and finches still sing. I feel for those trapped in large cities. I know from my time in Chicago I often felt trapped like a rat in a cage. Still our survival instincts kick in forcing us into a fight or flight mode. Something that feels so unnatural in this modern world. But we persevere gathering what strength we have to survive another day. Still I wonder how these moments will change us. Making us even more suspicious and cautious. Or will these times cr

There’s a nice cool breeze blowing today. My old buddy the mockingbird is doing a duet with a crow. Just got the clothes hung out on the line, and for a moment everything seems all right with the world. Our next door neighbor (The Electric Co-op) is busy, pulling parts and loading trucks to do work on the grid. I for one am just sitting here, smelling the laundry as it dries and keeping myself away from the news. This is one of those times when everyone is affected by the current situation. Rather at work or quarantined at home or both; the world is sharing this experience.  Here in my little corner of the planet the pandemic can seem a million miles away. But with cases of the virus showing up here, even the deniers and conspiracy theorist are paying attention. I don’t know what to tell you. I mean it’s a bit redundant for me to tell you to remain calm. I mean hell, I am part of high-risk group several times over, but I suffer through. Right now my temperature’s fine but m

I turned in early, but had to get up and take the last of the day’s medication. As I downed the pills a hint of lemon touched my tongue from the tea glass. As the kittens squeaked quietly from their make shaft crib in the bottom dresser drawer. The pain from my sinuses and my upper jaw remind me again that it’s spring. And while Lisa watches TV in the living room, I’m here listening to the audiobook “M Train” by Patti Smith.  We paint portraits of pleasant memories, especially within the storms of life. I never bought into the “power of positive thinking”. I found the subject too full of wishes in a world that demanded hard truth. The pep rallies I attended at business conferences, often reminded me of the revival meetings I was dragged to as a kid. Promising deliverance with the wave of a hand soaked with oil. But soon after that wave of emotion, there I was again drowning in a sea of inadequacy and self-hatred.  I don’t mean to be so cynical it’s just the armor I’m burden

After a couple of sleepless nights, last night wasn’t too bad. While I did wake up with a shout around 3am, I did eventually go back to sleep. Right now I’m outside enjoying a steady breeze, and listening to the birds carrying on a conversation. While the grass and tree pollen are in full bloom, I’m not worried about catching anything. Because a long time ago I learned to take mindful breaths and eventually flush out a lot of those toxic thoughts.   Other than a run on toilet paper and disinfectant at the local store nothing much has changed. I guess that’s because folks around here keep to themselves. But you will get some dirty looks if you sneeze. With this being allergy season, I’m sure the paranoia is going to be off the charts. Still I’m feeling pretty good mentally, while the world seems to be living in fear. Still under an abundance of caution, after my lawn got mowed, me and Mr. Brown simply exchanged waves. But my point isn’t to discuss the virus and even the para

As much as we all love a good story about triumph over tragedy. Sometimes it never comes. Rather it’s a physical or mental ailment, or maybe a financial one, or hell all three. The goalpost just seems unreachable. Still we get up in the morning put on our fake facade and head out into the world. I have to admit, I’m pretty good at it. Believe me I’ve had enough practice. And besides who wants to look at a “sad sack” all day. That look only works for puppies and small children.  So here I lay, putting up with my favorite gastronomic pastime. Going over what I have eaten the past few days to cause it. Looking forward to going back on my favorite broth, bland diet for a while. Yummy. I feel like such an old man. You know age never really bothered me until I realized that I was the oldest person graduating from my class “eight years ago”. Time flies by when you’re wallowing in a sea of depression and low self-esteem the first 45 years of your life.  Still I suppose I’m contract

We all see the world through a different set of lenses. Some of us are concerned with wealth and creating the next paycheck. Other’s of us are dreamers, coming up with the next great idea or dream. While more are simply worried about making it to the next day. Yeah, different lenses but all with the same goal, survival. I suppose in a way I’ve in all those worlds from the corporate structure, to the dream state of innovation, to the darkest moments of my life…simple trying to make it to the next day. At the moment I’m more or less in a “laissez-faire” kinda mood. Meaning I’m just letting things unfold as they will. For so long I held on the my “destiny” with a strong leash. Controlling myself and those around me. Infecting punishment upon myself and others when things didn’t go my way. I was a control freak demanding nothing short of perfection from myself. Needless to say it was a pretty miserable life, especially from such a flawed human being.  But after my initial heart

Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (due to