A Sea of Wishes


I turned in early, but had to get up and take the last of the day’s medication. As I downed the pills a hint of lemon touched my tongue from the tea glass. As the kittens squeaked quietly from their make shaft crib in the bottom dresser drawer. The pain from my sinuses and my upper jaw remind me again that it’s spring. And while Lisa watches TV in the living room, I’m here listening to the audiobook “M Train” by Patti Smith. 

We paint portraits of pleasant memories, especially within the storms of life. I never bought into the “power of positive thinking”. I found the subject too full of wishes in a world that demanded hard truth. The pep rallies I attended at business conferences, often reminded me of the revival meetings I was dragged to as a kid. Promising deliverance with the wave of a hand soaked with oil. But soon after that wave of emotion, there I was again drowning in a sea of inadequacy and self-hatred. 

I don’t mean to be so cynical it’s just the armor I’m burdened to wear. I still see myself as a complete mess. You’d think after 57 ½ years I’d have this game figured out. So I spend my moments reflecting, while slapping coat after coat of paint on this empty shell. But like a pig in makeup I’m still just a pig. But all this shit keeps me focused on the moment, because any other point just causes regret or worse fear. I wish I could plan my days, but moving beyond the moment causes pain. Maybe it’s just my sinuses talking. But more often than not, I’d rather drown in the silence than think happy thoughts in a sea of wishes. 

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