Stories - FD Thornton

(Author's note: I wrote this a few days ago as a way to ease some stress. Then I debated rather I wanted to make it public, due to it's personal nature. But a trusted friend convinced me that it may help someone out there in the same situation. So here it is.) It's truly sad when you're all prepared to lie down and take a nap, then as you close your eyes an idea for a new post pops into your head. I guess it's true, "there's no rest for the wicked."  For my family we don't need a calendar to figure out it's the end of the month. Living on a monthly paycheck means that last week can be slim-pickin's when it comes to food. Normally I tend to keep these facts to myself, but in an effort to be more open and honest in my blogging, you might as well hear the truth. Anyway, it's been this way for a while and for a great many in this area, it's the same story. My main occupation is sales, so you may think, " well, go sell somethi...

As I'm sure you all know, there are times when you stare at a blank page or an new project, and just don't have the drive to begin. The inspiration you usually rely on is missing and all you have is that empty page and an impending deadline.  So what do you do? Muddle around and hope inspiration decides to kick in? Or do you walk away and wait for the moment the drive hits you? Personally, I do a little of both. Sometimes I force my hand and squeeze some inspiration and focus out of myself. Then sometimes I just walk away from the desk and take a moment to become present. Either way I had success and failure doing both.  Right now you maybe asking myself, " okay, so what is the point of telling me something I kinda already know ?" " What's the moral to this tale ?"  I guess my moral here is, inspiration or not, making an effort and showing some drive is more than most give in a day. In life we are not promised highlight reels. For most ...

In case some of you haven't figured this out, sometimes I write just to write. Meaning, I'll start with no particular rhyme or reason in mind, just writing. Usually the reason for doing this is to motivate myself into doing something I really don't want to start. But truth be told, it's something I should get to moving on.  I'm sure a bunch of you have done the same thing, dragging your heels to turn out a report or begin a project your heart and mind just isn't into. Believe me I know.   So I turn to the keyboard and start tapping out this or that and through all the mindless clutter, every now and then a gem appears. Well I'm going to let you figure out which file this post goes into. Either way, it allows me to workout this so-called muscle between my ears. Which in turn simulates the thought process required to "get the job done."   I guess my point here is, don't think too badly of yourself when the motivation just isn't there. All...

Sometimes you can only fight a battle so much. Day after day of pounding on an enemy sometimes only strengthens their resolve. Sometimes it takes a radical plan to weaken that resolve and that plan may be no plan at all.  To surrender to seems an impossible situation may sound defeatist. But to continue the fight may lead to something even worse them defeat. Know when to pull up stakes and walk away from the fight, because sometimes an enemy isn't defeated with might, but instead with love and understanding.  I'm sure a vast majority of you are thinking, " man you are crazy, the only way to win is to defeat your opponent. " That may be fine in a game of pick-up or flag football, but this is life, and death not a game.     When forces are waging a battle within you, suppressing or ignoring it usually ends up doing more damage than good. But at the same time waging war with yourself only leads to mass destruction or worst....

It's nice to get encouraging words from friends and family, either wishing you well or telling you "good job" for something you've done. But ultimately it's that face you see in the mirror that you're going to believe the most. In my own life, I've been told a number of times how funny I am, or how well I've done on a job. But even to this day, when I look at my face in the mirror, all I could see is someone that's a loser.  I am sure there are many of you reading this that feel the same way. That no matter what accolades you have been given, it's the person in the mirror whose opinion counts the most.  And I get that, how you feel about yourself goes a long way in determining your path in life. Also, you don't have to be a failure to think this way. There are way too many bio's out there on individuals who while they are successful in our eyes, that felt they haven't accomplished anything.  So what can you say, to who you are...

This post isn't so much about the Hemingway novel as it is about a free app. A monastery in France called the Plum Village have a app you can download that gives you a bell reminder to stop and briefly meditate at whatever time you set it. For a number of you sitting in front of a computer or smart phone reading this may think of it as just another annoyance to your already busy day.  I myself think of it as a gentle reminder that every now-and-again you need to be told that being in the present is the only place to be. I've used the app for a few days and in that little time I've discovered it is a great tool for allowing me to " stop and smell the roses ." You see, one of my problems has been never feeling satisfied at whatever place I am at.  Whether  it's been a job or class or state of mind, I never seem to be able to satisfied. Now that in itself, that's not a bad thing. But, it can become a bad thing when it takes you from the here and now....

In searching to discover a solution for my internal struggles, I made an interesting discover. That a large part of my affliction was due to a lack of love given to myself. In the criticism that I've aimed mostly at myself, the damage I was doing has been far worse than I could have imagined. Each of us has some degree of self-criticism and to a point it maybe a good thing. But when that criticism is compounded by low self-esteem and abuse. You end up never feeling worthy of anything good that happens to you.  This cauldron self-loathing has cost me a lot, but at the same time it was this given to me a far better understanding of the things I can achieve, no matter the obstacle. Through sheer determination on my part, with this burden riding my back the whole time. I've done things in the last five or so years, that I never thought I could do in the first forty years.  And it all begins with love. The kind of love given to a child fr...

To say the least, I've always been considered " an odd bird ". Meaning I never quite fit into any pigeonhole I was placed. Rather it was my upbringing by a mom not two decades older than myself or raised around adults more than kids my own age. who knows? I'm just an odd bird.  The reason I'm bringing this up is because there has been questions about my upbringing and my story in general. Especially the story of my struggles, determination, and eventual victory at getting my college degree. For reasons truly beyond me, people feel that I'm somehow special or different for doing what I've done.  I guess maybe my problem with understanding this is, the fact I don't consider myself any different. I mean, my pants go on one leg at a time (most of the time) and my belief is, that most anyone in my situation would do the same thing. So why is my story special?  By now you are probably wondering why the title to this is At My Happiest , I...

Over the past number of weeks I really been working hard trying to wrap my head around my latest graduate school course FIN/571. Now I've taken Accounting and I've taken Economics, but to be honest just the amount of information I've had to digest in this course has been amazing. But truth be told, I would have said the same thing about any of these graduate courses. It has really been a challenge. Still I do this for a reason and that reason being that I really want to give myself a leg-up in the job game. Yes, I may work for myself now, but my dream is to enter the systems analysis industry, which is why I began this adventure. To use my investigative and research talents to solve business system problems. All I am waiting for is a chance to prove my worth.  But I can't help but wonder, could I be wrong? I mean the work I currently do falls upon skills I learned over my years of previous work. Which isn't a bad thing, you do what you have to...

So far over five decades have come and gone in my life. Yet when I compare my accomplishments to my peers, I feel somewhat left behind. By that I mean, most people my age have left a mark on this world, yet all I have to show are the clothes on my back and not much more. One may think that by leaving such a small material footprint that at least you would leave behind a good looking corpse. Even in that case I would be seriously lacking.  But no matter what you leave behind materially, it is nothing more than the tools of a faded life. Echos, if you will of a life once lived. The thing that is most important that you leave behind, is the impressions you leave on the minds of others. That's a part of yourself that rust can't erase, that will pass from generation to generation. It is a part of yourself that your children will see in their grandchildren, that will remind them of you.  You see, that's the stuff legacies  are made of, that's the jewel...