Despite How Fine...

Below is what I had written in a private forum for individuals like myself whom suffer from this silent disorder. A disorder that can strike at any time for no particular reason. Hopefully, posting this can help someone out there also who suffers.

 Good morning. Despite how fine things may be going in life. There are times when you can't help but have chaos sneak into your life. A perfect example would be this very moment. Earlier in the evening I wasn't feeling my best, still I allowed myself to drift off to sleep. Around 4 am, I awoke with my heart pounding out of my chest trying to catch my breathe. I've been awaken way too many times not to know what may have been going on. Another panic attack more than likely brought on by my sleep apnea. 

 You would think after all these years I'd be conditioned to realize that and go back to sleep. But interestingly the panic has such a grip on your mind and body, I end up getting up and going to the living room. So that I don't disturb my wife with what is more-than-likely, another false alarm. 

 I end up doing my normal panicked routine, clam myself best I can, talk myself down from the fear, and check my vitals as best I can. At the moment I decided to jot my thoughts down. It surprises me, as it may you, to see how fluid my line of thinking can be at the moment. But this is how it is with panic, once the initial anxiety levels off, I find myself setting into a calm lucent state. 

 To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm even putting any of this down. I suppose I simply wanted a record of where my mind is going at the moment. I also suppose that by leaving a record it gives someone else a chance to see they are not alone. Because the feeling of being alone, is the most frighting feeling of all.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fail-Safe

Image
Through the paper-thin walls of this old house, I can hear my neighbors getting ready for another day. Laying here remember when I used to do that, working at night so I could take care of the kids, while my wife went to work. Yesterday sorta marked a tipping point for me I suppose. I finally got my consultation with the gastroenterologist. So we are working the set-up some tests my primary care physician has been wanting for me to have for months. While I would love nothing more than to tell my PCP, “I told you so”. But I suppose knowing is better than not knowing. Although I do find some comfort in ignorant bliss.  I get the impression some people feel I am an optimist. But I like to think of myself more as a realist. What some may mistake as optimism is actually nothing more than analytics. Where I breakdown a given situation and create a solution. That may sound cold and frankly less romantic. But you must understand, after living so long in a void of no emotion (due to
Read more

Moments You've Lived

Image
It’s 5:15 in the afternoon and my stupid ass is back outside. I just checked the phone and it’s a balmy 90° with a feel like temperature of 99°f. I figured since I was hot in the room with the AC on, I might as well come outside and do same thing. Earlier I read a funny meme from my sibling on Facebook that read, “Can someone send me a hug?” copy and share. Rather sarcastically I replied, “We are not huggers , didn’t we grow up in the same house?” Probably no truer words have ever been spoken about our lives as kids. Oh, we weren’t beaten or overly abused, we were just not raised all “touchy feely”. Not surprisingly most kids of our generation weren’t raised that way either. We were provided for in our working class suburban homes. It’s just that a lot of time wasn’t devoted to things like feelings and emotions. You were expected to tough it out and swallow those tears. I guess one place where we could let our emotions go was church. Raised during the infancy of the “Pentecostal Moveme
Read more

Blowing Breeze

Image
It’s later in the afternoon so I decided to take advantage of the lighter humidity and come back outside. There’s a lite breeze blowing so while the gnats are still out, at least they’re having to put in some extra effort to lite on me. You can still smell where the grass got cut this morning, but sadly the faint scent of BBQ from the restaurant down the street is gone.  The poor old sycamore tree leaves look a bit sad. Hanging like they’re on their last leg from the limbs. There’s no point in bringing up the fig bush/tree, it’s all but shed most of its leaves. It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago both plants were vibrant and green, with a bountiful crop of figs. But the birds have mostly abandon their nest in the fig branches. With the kids grown and the shade and food supply dried up, I can’t say I blame them.  But I’m the human here, I’m adaptable with opposable thumbs. I can’t move on as easily as the birds. My so-called cognitive reasoning insist I stick aro
Read more