What's the Point?



FD Thornton 2017
For a good chunk of my life I was an easy target. While I dreamed of just being a normal kid, for whatever reason I became the butt of schoolhouse jokes and cannon fodder for schoolyard bullies. The slightest put down or insult one would cut me to the bone. So in order to shield myself from the arrows I created the persona of a happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care clown. When in fact I hated myself so much the slightest remark could send me into a tailspin. So even now with these traits are so ingrained into my psyche, I still can't stand to hear my own voice recorded or look at my own image. 

I bring this up because recently I wrote a comment to a story I read about business finance. My comments I thought were an honest critique of the story and for the most part were well received. That is with the exception of one commenter who felt my views were totally out of step with what he saw as the moral bankruptcy of this particular institution. At first I was a bit embarrassed and insulted by his statement and felt I should clarify my view to him. Then I thought about it and concluded, what would be the point? Clearly by his insulting manner he was no one to have a civil debate with so I decided to let the whole thing go. Now you may say that has something to do with my timid past and in some ways that may be true. But over the last few years I've learned that many of my options are in fact good ones. By taking the initiative in certain situations you develop character and leadership qualities. But still in some situations bullies are best insulted when left ignored.

If you had told me just seven years ago I'd be leading team projects. Dealing with the endless debates and planning, I would have laughed. Or if you'd told me I would be having public conversations about my personal demons. I'd would have simple ran to a dark corner. But that's the thing about learning to accept you. You learn to forgive yourself and then learn to love the person you are. The greatest gift I was ever given was that small ember inside me that knew I could be something more. That despite the years of inferior feelings I had towards myself, I just knew there could be more.

In a roundabout way the goal of this little story is to say, no one's ever happy with everything you do. So learn to accept that. Also learn to not sell yourself short. You never know when something you love to do can become an asset. Hell, it only took me 40 years to figure out who I am and what I'm good at. The benchmark of trying to be perfect is a fool's folly. The best thing you can do is make yourself happy. Or at least content with the direction you are going. The thing is how are you going to satisfy the people around you, if you're unhappy with yourself? What's the point? Start with believing in yourself and work out from there.  

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