Too Old To Feel Like This?
I've been thinking about how things have changed over the years. As a kid in the sixties, I grew up in a suburban neighborhood with a factory working dad and stay-at-home mom. My dad didn't worry about job security, he was at Union Camp about 37 years. His salary didn't make us rich, but we didn't do without either.
As I got older I graduated high school in 1980, it was the turning of a decade. We were tried of disco and singer-songwriters, we got into punk or bands with synthesizers. It was also the beginning of a change in the economy. Going where the manufacturing jobs my dad had and the growing of the service industry. That was once only for entry-level individuals who were waiting for better jobs, now it's the only job.
As the 80's continued I got married with a family of my own. But without the job security of a by-gone era, we were forced to make due with whatever we had. No home of our own, no establishment, just temporary living paycheck to paycheck.
For 30 years this has been reality. Oh, there have been highs and near misses in my career and family building. But for all the successes, when you look around you, you feel that you failed. When you look at the physical the way we mostly do, you failed.
As my oldest graduated high school, I thought that finishing my own education could be an answer to my failure complex. So over the next several years, I applied myself to my studies. As I progressed, I had a clear vision of where I wanted to go. And with each victory, and with each course completed, I was getting closer and closer to that elusive dream of success.
Then the day came that I finished my dream, I had my bachelor degree. But even with the congratulations I got from my graduation team and that diploma sitting in my hand, I was empty. Feeling no better than I had when I began.
I remember a line from a U2 song where Bono sings, "ambition, bits the nails of success." When I hear that I wonder if that's what happens to me? You see, ambition can mean, an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction. So if I can't enjoy success, does it mean I'm not allowing myself too? Do I have such low self-esteem that I refuse to allow myself a victory?
Here is where the first question comes into play, I'm I too old to feel like this? The answer is no. When you don't make time to love yourself, you drive deeper into the abyss of self-loathing. So you try and you try to find something to make you feel worthy. For some it's more money, for others it's the number of affairs they have, and for many more it's just blinding going about everyday numb and incomplete.
We may know the answer is love, but when has knowing the answer every stopped a smoker or alcoholic? You have to want to. As I look back on these words they are some of the hardest I've ever written, but they are real. So for me and each of you out there, we have to get real with ourselves and decide, I'm I worth loving?
As I got older I graduated high school in 1980, it was the turning of a decade. We were tried of disco and singer-songwriters, we got into punk or bands with synthesizers. It was also the beginning of a change in the economy. Going where the manufacturing jobs my dad had and the growing of the service industry. That was once only for entry-level individuals who were waiting for better jobs, now it's the only job.
As the 80's continued I got married with a family of my own. But without the job security of a by-gone era, we were forced to make due with whatever we had. No home of our own, no establishment, just temporary living paycheck to paycheck.
For 30 years this has been reality. Oh, there have been highs and near misses in my career and family building. But for all the successes, when you look around you, you feel that you failed. When you look at the physical the way we mostly do, you failed.
As my oldest graduated high school, I thought that finishing my own education could be an answer to my failure complex. So over the next several years, I applied myself to my studies. As I progressed, I had a clear vision of where I wanted to go. And with each victory, and with each course completed, I was getting closer and closer to that elusive dream of success.
Then the day came that I finished my dream, I had my bachelor degree. But even with the congratulations I got from my graduation team and that diploma sitting in my hand, I was empty. Feeling no better than I had when I began.
I remember a line from a U2 song where Bono sings, "ambition, bits the nails of success." When I hear that I wonder if that's what happens to me? You see, ambition can mean, an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction. So if I can't enjoy success, does it mean I'm not allowing myself too? Do I have such low self-esteem that I refuse to allow myself a victory?
Here is where the first question comes into play, I'm I too old to feel like this? The answer is no. When you don't make time to love yourself, you drive deeper into the abyss of self-loathing. So you try and you try to find something to make you feel worthy. For some it's more money, for others it's the number of affairs they have, and for many more it's just blinding going about everyday numb and incomplete.
We may know the answer is love, but when has knowing the answer every stopped a smoker or alcoholic? You have to want to. As I look back on these words they are some of the hardest I've ever written, but they are real. So for me and each of you out there, we have to get real with ourselves and decide, I'm I worth loving?
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