The Agoraphobic Salesman, Part 1

Until recently I kept my mental suffering to myself, not even my children really knew of my true diagnoses. My family and friends knew I had “health issues”. But the true sources of my problems were buried deep within myself. Only my dear wife and a few medical people knew the truth. 

 I suffer from panic disorder reach feeds into my chronic anxiety that has feed my problems with isolation and agoraphobia. You might think that’s a lot of shit and frankly it is, but what happens is one feeds the other. So you may have a panic attack that feeds the anxiety of having another, that feeds into your isolation, you get the picture. 

 Where and when did this all start, you may ask. That answer would surprise you, simply because I hung around a lot of people at the beginning and no one was the wiser. You see, for many years I masked the illness with various medications. They mostly helped but during that time they helped at a price. The price was mostly losing a good part of who I am. 

 So over the past number of years I survived cold turkey off my main medication of treatment. While this did allow me to rediscover myself, it opened the window for the destructive thoughts of self-hatred and low self-esteem to creep back in. But after years of battling my illness, I knew what was happening. So this time I aligned myself with a better treatment plan, more tools, and smarter medications. 

 Today you may ask, is everything perfect? My answer would be hell no, mostly because it’s a journey I must take one day at a time. I guess now I must confess my reason for creating this post. As you can see from the title is a bit of an oxymoron or at least a moron created it. (I couldn’t help myself.) 

 The title has to do more with the duality that many of us live with. That for me is the need to shield myself from anxiety, while truly enjoying the company of people. Now if that isn’t an oxymoron, I don’t know what is. 

 The point is too many of us suffer because of it. The feeling of being pulled into too very different directions can be maddening. My suggestion would be to seek professional help. Even here in our short-sighted, poor prioritizing state we do have limited public help. Also I would suggest not beating yourself up for whatever shortcomings you may think you have. For too damn long I have done just that and sometimes still do. 

 In those situations I suggest treating that person inside you as you would a young child. We know better than to belittle a young one for a mistake they may not realize. That same mindset and consideration is what you should give to yourself. Still no plan is prefect nor is no life without stumbles.  So try and do the best you can each day, that’s all you can really ask yourself to do.      

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