Fight Back

It feels like the blood is draining out of my head. I just got finished posting the announcement of my latest book launch and that’s when it began. The blood is draining, my breath getting shallow, and my heart pounding like a drum. The logical side of my brain knows what it is, it’s a panic attack. While it’s rare for me to have full-blown panic attacks anymore, they still happen. Especially if I’m under a lot of stress, like with this book launch.

Even though I post stuff every day, I suppose it’s the idea that the public is putting their “money where their mouth is” that scares me the most about putting my work out there. It’s that remaining primal fear that I carry within me, that is triggered by that bottled up self-hatred I still carry. Whatever it is, it’s a feeling I don’t like, and I try and have to fight it every day.

My biggest concern is knowing I’m not as strong as I used to be. Decades before I could fight my panic with shear will, now knowing my stress levels can invoke unwanted stress on my heart. I find myself quietly avoiding stress inducing situations. Talk about a buzzkill. Still there’s enough bravado left in me that I do enjoy putting myself out there. But it’s moments like this that remind me, of the physical condition I am in.

But I do my damnedest to remain an optimist. While I still carry memories of self-loathing, I also carry memories of accomplishing goals I set for my life. The thing is, life is going to take you down every now and then. The question is, will you let it keep you down? Fight for what you believe in, don’t let your fears beat you up forever. Go ahead, dust yourself off and fight back every day.

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