Taking Steps

Here in the Deep South we are having our coldest weather of the season (29 F this morning). For a true Southerner that's bone chilling. The local news media would have you think it's the end of time the way they describe the weather. But honestly, if you think about it, it does this every year. Here it starts getting mild in October through December, and then the bottom falls out around January till March. Now that I've educated you on weather in the Southern US, I hope your hearths are warm and the New Year looks bright.

I went to my cardiologist yesterday and I'm happy to say he believes I'm doing much better than I was a few months ago. My blood pressure is very good and my heart overall is looking much better. In fact he is cutting out one of the meds I'm taking and I'll finally get rid of the portable defibrillator at the end of the month. I must say, I walked out of his office much happier then I was when I walked in. I've really been trying to do anything he recommended to me to get better. But as I’ve mentioned this wonderful panic/anxiety I live with loves the idea of something new going wrong.

If you remember I wrote that right after I went into the hospital, I felt a real peace. I mean I was told there may be some depression after the heart attack but honestly, I felt relief and very little anxiety. I wasn't until I left the hospital that I felt the old pings of my panic/anxiety creeping back in. Creeping in to the point that where I actually dreaded taking the defibrillator off. What makes those of us with panic this way, who the hell knows?

Having panic/anxiety often causes us to grab on to the next thing to make us feel safe. Rather it's the latest drug therapy or the newest self-help fad, grasping at straws is what I had done for a long time. Through all the crap the one important thing I have learned is to love myself. For me that was the first big step in working on who I am. Now does this mean I answered every question to every problem I ever had? Laughing at myself, the answer is no. But taking steps forward or even a few backwards, can still lead you to discovering you.