Stories - FD Thornton

Well I knew it wouldn’t last forever, I woke up thinking, it must be 6 or 6:30. No it was just 4 in the morning. But I won’t complain, it was a good run of 3 straight days sleeping till 6 or 7. But this is what us insomniac’s do. Sadly I’m not focused on much of anything right now. My heart rate is fluttering, but not uncomfortably. I know that might sound weird or possibly frightening, but I’m used to it. Living with this body you get used to a lot of weird shit. The funky heartbeats, the low blood sugar, the sneezing, the panic, wearing a CPAP all night, just an endless list of crazy stuff. But that’s just how I am. I think it’s meditation that puts me in tune with what my body tells me. Before my health anxiety kept me up at night worrying. But for the last few years, not so much. I mean, I have my moments but for the most part, I’m relatively in tune with what my body is saying. We so often tune ourselves out to the world around us. When I go walking, my goal isn’t just to fi...

I you want to get an eyeroll emoji from me quick, put up a positive affirmation on your link. I don’t know why those things bring out the eternal cynic in me, but they do, they do, they do. Despite the tons of bullshit I put out, I like to think of myself as an optimist. Still when I read those things they seem so forced. Like the person who wrote it is willing themselves to be positive. In my life, I’ve discovered when I forced myself to think positively, I only end up disappointing myself time and time again. A few years ago, I stumbled upon a book written by Oliver Burkeman, The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking . The book basically tells the story about how positive thinking can lead you down a slippery slope of negative feelings about yourself. The solution Burkeman offers is thinking in terms of the here and now, mindfulness, and loving oneself. Earlier today I wrote a note to someone about how for years I beat myself up for each and every mist...

I know none of you asked, but I’ll tell you anyway. I took the last cabbage out of the garden and I’m making cabbage and carrot soup. Cabbage, carrots, or about any hearty root vegetable will last a while in dark storage or the fridge and will definitely warm you up when it’s cool. I suppose I bring this up because planting time is just around the corner. Although I already have onions and potatoes planted. Seeing that I grew up a suburban kid, that hated working in my old man’s garden I’m sure wherever he is, he’s laughing his ass off right now. As the decades pass it’s funny how you never thought you’d get to this age. Right now I’m only a few years away from out living both my parents. That to me is a crazy thought. I don’t mean to weird you out, but in my situation, looking in a mirror every morning will do that to you. History and legacy don’t seem to be as important as they used to be. But I suppose my parents thought the same thing about us. At least I had my grandparents ...

Sandra Burnsed As usual I’m sitting here taking care of phone calls, setting up my wife’s medication, and catching up on my correspondence for the day. All the usual things we all have to do. Routines have their own way of making life normal. As human beings we tend to let pile on new things. Apart from most other animals, we seek out new things, we plan, we strategize, we more and more things on own plate. But is there a moment when enough is enough? It’s not that the world has gotten more complicated as much as we have gotten more complicated. The influx of information and data can literally make your head spin. Looking at the news recently the company Cambridge Analytica has been popping up as a key player in targeting consumers with half-truths and focused targeting on their fears. Now in all honesty, businesses have been doing this for decades. The part that brothers me the most is the using of personal information without open consent of the individuals targeted. To be tr...

South Dune Beach - Jekyll Island, GA After spending the whole day fighting a stomachache and a low-grade fever, I finally feel like sticking my head out the door. That’s because I had to go put fuel in my truck, so I can take my wife to a doctor’s appointment in the morning. I wish I could say my life was more glamorous than that, but it is what it is. We all wish sometimes our lives could be a little more exciting. Unfortunately it’s usually a dull routine. It’s sad in a way how days can roll into weeks and weeks roll into months. The best we can do is grab a few of those moments and commit them to memory. In my own life I have snapshots of memories I hope to never loss. Like meeting my wife, the birth of our children, memories of my grandparents, and my mom and dad. While life wants us to focus on the moment, it’s memories that build the foundation. Sometimes it’s hard to accept how things have turned out. The mistakes we’ve made the things we said in anger. But time has a wa...

Image: Sandra Burnsed Maybe today is not the best of days for me to be online. Really not feeling too well, stomach is still acting up and my sinuses are on fire. Around my home if I mention I'm not feeling well everyone seems to go into a panic. I suppose because of my heart history, but honestly, this is an annual respiratory issue and not much else.  But I did accomplish one task this morning, so I might as well keep plowing the rest of this field. But I'd be lying if I didn't stay I just want to crawl back into bed. But what can you do? Sometimes you just have to muster up enough determination to get the shit done. So, believe me when I tell you this little pep talk is for me as much as it is for you. Cause, I ain't feeling it today. If anything I want to be honest with you. It's been a struggle for me to go through the mental health issues I go through. Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Depression are a bitch. Now I have my good days, ev...

Ogeechee River - Sandra Burnsed Avoiding the world, avoiding myself that’s just the way it is sometimes. As much as I’d like to think I tackle problems straight on, I often find myself procrastinating. I suppose it’s because I’m not as strong as I wish to be. I prefer my own company most of the time, but when I do get social it’s usually in quick burst. But soon afterwards I’m usually pretty exhausted. It’s funny that I turned out this way, because in a former like I was a very outgoing person. I suppose in a way I still am, it all depends how the winds are blowing that day. Still I medicate, and I meditate using both worlds to pull me up to face another day. But in all honesty, I just assume be alone. That’s sad in a way. Most of the time I wish I could shut off this self-examining part of myself and just drone through life. Get up go to work, put in my 8 hours, clock out, and then go home. But I can’t do that, I have to force myself to sit in front of a television. I’d much rat...