Stories - FD Thornton

Probably one of the strenuous lessons I ever learned. Was how innovative you must be when you have no one else to depend on other than yourself. As a caregiver for my wife and the decision making parent for my children. It was always front and center how stressful my life was. And how alone and isolated those emotions made me feel. Even with a dear wife who wanted nothing more than to be an equal partner. The stresses of making family and financial decisions were often overwhelming.  I don’t know if my kids or immediate family ever understood the stress and fear I was under. Mainly because my go to reflex is always to be a cynical jerk. Meaning that I would treat any crisis like water rolling off a ducks back up front. That may show how strong you are, but the results usually end up leaving you looking and acting like…a jerk. So I’m pretty sure I was never a shining example of great parenting to my children. But frankly I was just trying to do what I could to keep them aliv

Sitting outside it looks like my shade is about gone for the year. You’d think the gnats would feel a little sorry for me. But instead I’m sure they’re all giggling enjoying my discomfort. But that’s what you’re supposed to expect this time of year. To see leaves falling from the trees and feel a little crispness in the air. Only this year the heat and humidity are fighting like hell to stick around. And while it did rain a little late yesterday afternoon, the humidity has done nothing but excite the sand gnats that are nibbling on my ears.  Not much is going on other than my Baptist buddies next door getting together to be, well…Baptist. The sky keeps fading between cloudy and partly sunny. While the humidity in all it’s glory, dampens what could be a pleasant morning into a wet blanket. Other than that I ain’t got much to complain about. Had a somewhat pleasant conversation with my father-in-law this morning. He caught me up on the Braves while informing me “my President”

This morning in the mail I got an odd little letter from the IRS asking me the confirm my identity. Apparently they’re not sure if a past tax return was sent by me or someone else. This obviously means I’ll be going through a long, paper jammed process to prove I am me to them. Considering I haven’t had to pay nor received any return from the IRS in over a decade. It does make me wonder, if someone’s using my ID to receive a return, I wish they’d show me how.  I suppose life is all about who you are and what your worth. I left the idea of being worth anything to the greater world a long time ago. On paper I’m worth a small pension check that by inflationary standards means I ain’t worth much. My worth according to who I am, sadly ain’t really worth much more, than maybe a passing reference to very few.  But despite all my “mealy mouthing” we all play an integral part in a greater plan. Now some may think this has something to do with achieving a higher power or purpose. But

I haven’t been awake long enough to really know where my head is at. I mean the bed’s made up, I took my medicine, I even got clothes on the wash and straightened out an appointment for Lisa this morning. So I’m sitting here with the TV playing as background noise waiting. But waiting for what, I don’t know. I reckon I’m just doing like my Grandma Geiger and talking just to be talkin’. Not aimed at anyone in particular, especially myself.  God knows why any of my six followers ever put up with me. I’m an unfocused, non-goal setting, white guy; that has nothing better to do then sit here and talk about himself. But that’s okay, I do have a job keeping up with Lisa’s appointments. And making sure the light bill gets paid and that my son has his snacks. As much as we’d all like to live lives of greater purpose. We usually consider ourselves complete failures, because we failed to reach our perceived goals.  But when seeking solace or satisfaction, we usually figure out that ou

I ain’t got but an hour or so to be outside this morning. Today is Grandparents Day at the elementary school our grandchildren attend. So we be having lunch with our granddaughter and checking out her classroom. Then I have an appointment at the medical supply store to pick up my new CPAP machine and accessories. After answering about a dozen texts since I stepped outside. I’m beginning to wonder why I come out here at all. But after a good rain last night and a steady breeze now I really don’t mind.  The town’s running at it’s usually pace…slow. There’s plenty of golf carts parked at the dollar store and the post office trading on the latest gossip. There’s a lawnmower running full throttle down the street, and the EMC guys are running in and out of the warehouse looking for parts. I for one have just two stops today. Two noisy appointments to crowd up my usual uncluttered schedule. Other than that there’s nothing inspirational going on here, just the sound of an empty log

It’s later in the afternoon so I decided to take advantage of the lighter humidity and come back outside. There’s a lite breeze blowing so while the gnats are still out, at least they’re having to put in some extra effort to lite on me. You can still smell where the grass got cut this morning, but sadly the faint scent of BBQ from the restaurant down the street is gone.  The poor old sycamore tree leaves look a bit sad. Hanging like they’re on their last leg from the limbs. There’s no point in bringing up the fig bush/tree, it’s all but shed most of its leaves. It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago both plants were vibrant and green, with a bountiful crop of figs. But the birds have mostly abandon their nest in the fig branches. With the kids grown and the shade and food supply dried up, I can’t say I blame them.  But I’m the human here, I’m adaptable with opposable thumbs. I can’t move on as easily as the birds. My so-called cognitive reasoning insist I stick aro

As of this writing I haven’t decided which image I’m going to post with this story. The one in vivid color and that some may consider gross or thr black and white that’s and a little less in your face. What it is, is what I call a blood blister. They come up on my arms and hands when I bump into something. Or sometimes they just appear out of nowhere, which is the case with this one. I’ve been told they’re a sad side effect of the blood thinning medications I take. Why they only seen to appear on my arms and hands is anyone’s guess. Sometimes they come in go in a matter of days. Sometimes they “bubble up” and bleed out and last for weeks. This particular one is a really deep red, which usually means it’s going to bleed. The embarrassing thing about blood blisters are their to need to bleed out at the most inconvenient times. That’s why my every present diaper bag comes in handy with my first aid supplies. Lawd knows why I’m even bringing this subject up. I’m sure by now

The afternoon heat drove the conversations as well as the handheld fans. There’s nothing usual in the south about being covered in a layer of sweat. Watching the old folks wipe their faces with a handkerchief. There was never much room for pretentiousness when you’re down by the water. Heat and sweat are the great equalizers whenever you try that.  Sitting in the old painted metal chairs, you found little shade under the white oaks. But there’s a slight breeze blowing off the water that smooth’s out the edges. This was our weekend getaway but getaway from what we hardly knew. From ’76 right up to recently, this was my refuge, my Shangri-La. The ghost of those Friday and Saturday afternoons still haunt me and still stir my soul.  Today I don’t have any place to go. I’m too tired and set in my ways to sit outside very long. The sweat sticks to my back and drains the energy from my soul. So I sit by myself in this hot ass room, with two box fans and the NASCAR race filling the

Well it’s me again like a damn fool sitting in the 2:30 in the afternoon shade. It’s currently 86° with a feel like temperature of 106°. Me and my bride just got back from her doctor’s appointment in Dublin. And pretty much like any other doctors appointment, she’s got to have test done before they can give her a solid diagnosis. The test is scheduled for two weeks down the road. So by the time the doctor gets the results, they’ve already forgotten what they wanted you to have the test for in the first place. It's the same old routine I’ve grown quite accustomed too for myself. But in the case of my bride, it means I have to go through the same routine of gathering all the information and then making informed decisions for her. But don’t worry this ain’t nothing new. It’s just that my bones are a bit more brittle and my mind a bit cloudier. So we persevere me, my bride, and the relentless gnats that are biting me. But sitting outside feeling the breeze and smelling th

Someone please tell me why I’m sitting outside in this 101° heat index weather? Sometimes I ain’t got the sense God gave a goat, but still here I am. I guess for a moment I just wanted to breathe some unrefrigerated air. The gnats haven’t caught wind of me yet, so at least I got that going for me. Up in the sycamore trees I got a murder of crows calling out to each other. I’m sure they’re here to eat the figs, which I guess is just fine, considering how many bloomed this year. Remember what I said about the gnats? Well they finally have tuned in to my signal, I think it was the crows that gave away my location.  It's relatively quiet around here. Took my bride to the store so she could spend some of her birthday money. Then I had to go by the courthouse to see about some business for our special needs son. Nothing ever seems easy. I got to take care of some paperwork for him that otherwise will never get done. Your lives are an endless array of responsibilities and duti

Since many enjoy reading about my pain and suffering, today I woke up with a blinding sinus headache and good dose of the “whoa is me’s”. The headache I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain, but the “whoa is me’s” is just a good case of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sure everyone goes through it and I’m pretty damn sure we each got our own way of dealing with it. You either cry in your coffee or get mad and act like me, and turn into a cynical asshole.  So for my own protection and that of others in my life, I’ve barricaded myself in this room. Hoping that at some point my headache will clear or my attitude towards the world will subside. Right now all my chips are riding on the headache. Self-deprecation is a defensive weapon I use well. Self-forgiveness is a new tactic I still have difficulty managing. Asking forgiveness of others is an even harder task to master.  From a world where relentless bullying was the norm. It’s still very difficult for me to sympathize with th

It’s 5:15 in the afternoon and my stupid ass is back outside. I just checked the phone and it’s a balmy 90° with a feel like temperature of 99°f. I figured since I was hot in the room with the AC on, I might as well come outside and do same thing. Earlier I read a funny meme from my sibling on Facebook that read, “Can someone send me a hug?” copy and share. Rather sarcastically I replied, “We are not huggers , didn’t we grow up in the same house?” Probably no truer words have ever been spoken about our lives as kids. Oh, we weren’t beaten or overly abused, we were just not raised all “touchy feely”. Not surprisingly most kids of our generation weren’t raised that way either. We were provided for in our working class suburban homes. It’s just that a lot of time wasn’t devoted to things like feelings and emotions. You were expected to tough it out and swallow those tears. I guess one place where we could let our emotions go was church. Raised during the infancy of the “Pentecostal Moveme

Again against my better judgement, I’m back outside. And as usual the lawn crew that mows the two strips of grass for the EMC are back at it again. They have a crew of at least three and they take at least three hours to mow those two strips of grass. Whereas Mr. Brown can mow my entire yard in less than 30 minutes. It begs me to question, who’s getting paid by the hour. Thank God only about six people actually read anything I write this far or I’d be getting letters from union groups right now. It's a kinda hazy day already and the gnats are out in full force. Normally I would just sit in my room till October but with the promise of a little breeze I couldn’t help but come outside. So with the back drop of a few birds, the smell of laundry, and the hum of dueling leaf blowers. I can’t help but feel inspired to inspire you with my words. But seriously, after a weekend of being trapped in a dark bedroom with two fans and a broke down AC going. Just about anything’s bett

It’s one of those melancholy days today, with the sun bleeding heat under an umbrella of high humidity. I had to defrost my AC this morning, apparently it froze up over night. I turned it to fan mode then turned a box fan towards the coils to dry them out. Considering it was a balmy 74° this morning it didn’t take long for it to dry out. Other than that my delicious dinner from last night has come back to bite me in the ass (quite literally) this morning. So I’m once again sitting around here dressed pretty the same as my newborn grandchild. I’m all to pieces sorry I can’t offer you a more picturesque view of my life. But unlike some people I enjoy following that are either on a beach vacation or traveling overseas. My station in life is planted right here either making doctor appointments or being a caregiver to my family members. But such as it is, I pretty much walked into this situation with my eyes wide open. I knew 35 years ago my bribe had her limitations. And as far

From the picture I took, I almost look productive. It’s funny, during my college years it was nothing for me to either be sitting at my desk doing work or laying flat on my back with the laptop doing the same. But not long after the “widow maker” I had during my Capstone Exam for my MBA. My mind and especially my body made a U-turn in my priorities and dropped me here where I am today. I haven’t written anything other than a few lines of poetry recently. My failing condition and this extreme heat have kept any deeper thoughts at bay. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before continuing, packing together whatever random ideas I may have. I suppose if anything, I’d like to say productivity and the bottom line are not the end all be all goal of human existence. I used to think money and admiration were the goals that I needed to obtain happy  life. Now given my life experiences I would say it’s the simple things like a cool morning breeze or the stretching of our newest li

Me and my bride just got back from the big store chain that doesn’t compensate me for mentioning them, so I won’t. Last night it was stuffy and hot with the temperature hovering around 80° at midnight. So I woke up dizzy with a headache. Even after dropping my morning meds, the headache and lightheadedness still hasn’t gone away. Long story short, after putting the groceries put up, I’m now sitting in the shade of the trees in our backyard. There’s not much to write about at the moment other than I also have an enormous crick in my neck. Which may go a long ways in explaining my dizziness. Still down the street a neighbor is getting their grass mowed. Our lawn was mowed Tuesday by Mr. Brown, with this being the first time I’ve been outside in a couple of weeks. Between the headache and the dizziness, there’s sharp pain is running down my leg again. Reminding me if nothing else most physical and some emotional pain will definitely teach you a little about patience. In bet

I once more I seem to be saving the world again, least for a few people I love. Laying here with a ice cold glass of lemoned tea and an ice pack on my head. I’ve been chatting with a few folks about this or that. Talking with some that about my situation, while I in turn talking with them about there’s. It’s sort of a funny thing, a good deal of these people I have never met, let alone spoke with face to face. But seeing that most of my schooling and business work was conducted online. I have little trouble navigating the various time zones and international date lines that can hamper long distance communications.  Seeing that I live in a rural area blessed with high speed internet. I’m both isolated and connected at the same time. Which works out great for me considering the anxieties and phobias I have to contend with. Unfortunately in person I’m thought of as a blunt and abrasive person. An egotistical person with little to no compassion or empathy. Which I guess is all

With a feel like temperature of 113° (45°C) hopefully this is will be the hottest temperature of the week. But in a year of crazy up and down temperatures, who knows what we’ll end up with by summers end. For the last several days I’ve been hiding out in my bedroom/office with the curtains drawn and the AC blasting. But even with all that it’s still in the upper 70’s in here. I already jumped a cold shower once today, with plans for another one later. My bride seems immune to hot weather in the living room with nothing but a fan.  Don’t worry everybody I’ve stayed plenty hydrated this spring and summer. With temperatures hovering in the low-80’s since February I kind of knew what kind of summer this was going to be. Much like my old man a glass of ice water or tea ain’t far out of my reach. I don’t know why I started writing this little ditty other than the fact that am a little bored. Not much going on in my head, which has been a refreshing change. Went to see the new gra

  After nearly 25 years of diagnosed clinical depression, the steps I take into that cold water are no less chilling. You find yourself slowly backing away from the interactions I usually enjoy. I find yourself stepping closer to those dark thoughts of selfishness and jealousy. For those of you that may not understand the battle is most definitely real. Outwardly your mask is all polished and shiny, but inwardly your just a giant mass of cross wired circuits waiting to explode. At a certain point you grow tired of apologizing to yourself and to others. You simply retreat into the covey hole you’ve created for yourself. Where for the most part you can just ignore the waves of depression until they just go away. I guess you can say I’ve been “blessed” with the ability to articulate my thoughts onto the screen. Like some poet in reverse I can describe the many splintered thoughts that cross my mind. For the most part I don’t mind exploring the murky waters that surround my soul. Call it