Legacy

You know I can be such an odd duck. For one my taste in music is very different that most anyone I know. Music has always been a very important part of my life. Rather through listening and even at one point from creating it, music has held me in its spell most of my life. It’s nothing for my wife to catch me lying on the bed with my earbuds in rocking out to Van Halen or Green Day or maybe Rage Against the Machine. Other times she may work in, like the other day, and catch me singing off-key with Kris or Willie or The Hag. I just don’t ever know what mood I might be into at any given moment.  

 Like must music fans I take my music very personally it something I feel deep in my soul. No matter the genre the music I enjoy feeds my soul; it can only be described as a spiritual thing if I have to describe it. Like I’ve heard some say, “it’s just something that gets into your bones.” Even with the more simplistic styles of music like rock or country it’s the lyrics and the tone that can grab you and shake you to your core. 

 But there was a time that music had no effect on me. Not long after my first battles with panic and the anxiety of more panic attacks. My initial Band-Aids to stop the bleeding of my sanity were tried and true medications that at the moment brought me from the brink, but at a great cost. While they allowed me to function among the living, they robbed me of who I was. My emotions were wiped clean, kinda like a wall that’s been painted over, that once displayed a piece of art. 

 I suppose since we lived far enough away from our families; no one really noticed the changes. Besides Lisa and I were so wrapped up in rising our family who had time to worry about a lack of emotion. But time moves on and so to can the toll the lack of emotion can have on one’s soul. I mean, I was functioning and earning a living; but the lack of an emotional center was taking its toll. 

 You see we were not created to be soulless machines. As I look back on that time I can now see I was headed on a dark path. And what was left of my soul was crying out to breathe again. So I sought out a way to fulfill myself, first by feeding my mind then eventually reclaiming my soul. I went back to school which helped occupy the loneliness my heart felt. It wasn’t quite the emotional rush that I lost, but it fed a part of me that needed reinforcement like my ego and intellect. School also forced me to put myself “out there”; it challenged me to show myself that I was smarter and better than I thought. 

 This buildup of my self at one point allowed me to boldly drop the emotion numbing medication that held me prisoner for so long. In hindsight I would not recommend going cold turkey like I did. But after the shock of learning to reprocess my emotions the journey to rediscover who I am has been an interesting one. Imagine hearing a beautiful piece of music and tearing up for no reason. Especially after not being able to cry for years, even at funerals. 

 But now I can say it has been worth the trip. Getting back in touch with my emotions over the past few years has been an adventure to say the least. Relearning to manager my temper is still a struggle and relearning to shut-up when I should is still a work in progress. But being able to reconnect with my love for music has been the greatest gift of all. It helps me to reconnect with so many things my family, my kids, my wife, and myself. 

 I don’t write this as an epitaph to my mental issues or to the idea that I’ve completed my journey. In fact I feel my journey is only beginning. If I had to put a cherry on top of this story it would be. Don’t let your life end with a step back. Life is meant to be lived many times over. Don’t let the words tragic or unfortunate write your epitaph, instead let that words forward or endure be your legacy. 

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