Stories - FD Thornton

If you were to ask me where my love of music began, I’d have to say in the womb. From the beginning I was surrounded by music although neither of my parents were musicians. I suppose most of the credit should go to my mother for putting the music bug in me. At no stage of my young life can I recall music not playing in our home. At first it was whatever was playing on the radio that filled the house. In later years as my parents grew more religious the music changed, but there was still music. My musical tastes run the gambit of music from my early exposure to popular hits, from rock and country, to my indoctrination into religious and southern gospel music. But even listing those genres doesn’t cover the variety of my musical taste. I often find myself laughing at the algorithmic programming of Amazon and Spotify when they try and narrow in on my musical taste. Simply because my musical taste it can vary with the wind. As my wife can tell you, one night bluegrass might be pou...

A couple of weeks again I was holding our granddaughter in my arms. She’s four months old now and just as soft and lite as she as when we first met. As her little fingers grasp mine, you can see the curiosity and wonder shine through her eyes. Oh, I know this may sound like the ravings of a doting grandpa. But honestly hasn’t everyone seen this in eyes of every child you’ve met? Children can remind us of the wonder we once felt when learning to tie a shoe or seeing our first falling star. But many of us only look at the world through the harden eyes and hearts of an adult never seeing the beauty that is around us. Sadly, it’s because of us that children have to suffer never getting the chance to experience wonder. They end up only getting to see the reality of a life that's hard and where surviving is even harder. Some say evolution demands this of us, but I say they are wrong. I believe in a higher gift that makes us better than just looking out for ourselves. It’s a gi...

I’ve been writing this blog for about five years now. For most part I try to be encouraging, motivational, and optimistic with my post. But along with that, I’ve tried to remain as honest as I can, if for no other reason than to be true to myself. Recently I have been putting together a collection of past blog posts for a short novel I hope to publish soon on Kindle Books. The process has required me to review the some 400+ posts I have made over the years. At this point I am gone through about two years of posting that covers a lot of my adventures through school and job searching. The thing that has stuck out most to me through this period was the optimism which I wrote. But when looking back at this and then looking at how things have turned out, I honestly feel I’ve cheated myself, my family, and the people who read the blog. I realize how silly that may sound, but I’ve always wanted to be authentic and true. You see over the years I’ve sat through a lot of brain storming, a...

I've been sorta keeping to myself of late. Kinda felt like I'd run out of words to say and I've been feeling a little under the weather. Yesterday was the zenith of my "bad days" when I just didn't feel well all day. Last night in fact, I woke-up around 3 am ( as usual ) with a bit of a panic attack. I thought about getting up and trying to shake it off, but instead I simply talked to myself saying, " this too shall pass ." After that little episode, I continued to wake-up every hour or so, but at least I could drift back to sleep.  Surprisingly enough, I got up feeling a better than I have the whole weekend. To the point that I even got up, dressed, shaved, and headed to the hospital and have my bi-weekly blood work done. Without any of the usual residual effect left over from my past night's anxiety.   Sometimes I just amaze myself, I honestly do. I mean after a bout with my usual demons it sometimes surprises me how well I can bounce b...

Over the last several years the divide between this group or that group in society has grown wider and wider. The strides that society had appeared to make in years past, now seem to have been thrown out with the bathwater. Now I’m not without my own prejudices, but at the same time I’ve learned when to hold my tongue and give the other fellow a chance to speak. It seems as a society we’ve forgotten how to do that, to be respectful and understand that others opinions do matter.  Recently a special election was held in the area, and in one of the candidate’s TV ads he mentioned to the viewers, “I’m one of you” . That small statement stuck out to me like a sore thumb. I’m sure the candidate only meant to identify with the voters. But for me it brought up images of how individuals throughout history have used division to create fear, anger,  and hatred.  You know we are better than this, this nation was built on the foundation that all are created equal. That this...

Since I last wrote not a lot has been going on. Just making plans for who we are going to see at the holidays and just living life day by day. The holidays for whatever reason haven't been my thing for a long time. I mean when our family was young it was a treat to see the kids tear into their presents. But now that they are much older the holiday has lost its luster.  I suppose I still have a real issue with self-esteem comparing my personal situation with other family members. I mean it’s nothing I have against those I love. It’s just that when you deal with throwing your own shortcomings at yourself; you can’t help but think others “successes” amplify your failure.  I could go into a long list of examples on this, but I'm sure you get the point.  I think my one true regret to having these kinds of feelings about the holidays, is that it seems to have rubbed off on my kids. If anything as parents we never want our children to turn out like us, we want them to be b...

It's funny how at some point in your life you get used to looking over your shoulder for the next disaster. I suppose it has something to do with our shared panic of the times we live in or in my case, the Panic Disorder I’ve lived with for nearly 20 years. But when I think about it, I believe a majority of people around us feel the same way.  My question here is, is our pessimism a good thing or should we work to be more optimistic. Well for years I've lived on both sides of the fence. Either living under the cloud of when the next shoe was going to drop or telling myself how important it is to be a winner.   Honestly for me, neither one of these scenarios is a natural fit. When I'm looking over my shoulder, deep inside I still believe things can get better. Yet when I've worked in fields that require an aura optimism, I fail miserably. Do you see what I mean?  I suppose it all boils down to the same theme I hammer on with nearly every post, which is balance. N...

For the last few weeks I’ve been talking about real faith and compassion toward one another. But inside I honestly feel I’ve failed, failed in my message, failed in my actions. You may ask, how can say that? What do you have to do with the events of the past few weeks? As just one individual in a small corner of the world, that may be true. My influence, my power to change things is limited. But is it really? One spark of light can be quite dim from far away. But many sparks can create a light that can be seen and felt from far away. One light may not light the world, but many lights can illuminate the truth, the truth that each of us chooses our own path. That our faith is here to bring us peace and not to bring hatred.   If enough of us let our light shine, we can push out the darkness that surrounds our world. Many of us live under different faiths, but the overwhelming truth is that we have only one world. Its respect, compassion, and civility that should direct our actio...

I wasn't really planning on writing anything today. But the other night for no reason that I'm aware of, my old friend the defibrillator went off then stopped. It was warning me that it was about to shock me, but like I said it stopped before it did.  If you read my post with any regularity you know of my recent health situation. But for the past few months I’ve worn the monitor/defibrillator all has been quite. So when this thing woke me from a sound sleep, you can imagine it sent me into panic mode. Even though I know it was either a glitch or maybe I rolled over wrong, with panic there’s no reasoning with the situation. So you’re left there to ride it through. After breathing through the panic and working to face the fear. I finally went back to sleep. Still when I woke up the next morning I was still a bit unnerved. As usual I tried to ignore what I was feeling by burying myself under the covers. Then I decided to get up, pop my meds, and at least act if it was just a...

It’s been a rough few days for me. As you may or may not know, I’ve been wearing a portable defibrillator/heart monitor. But the damn thing has been going off lately due to a bad connection to my skin. This makes the defibrillator warning tone go off, especially when I sleep at night. As may you have figured out, this hasn't been helping me sleep. Anyway, I got that situation fixed yesterday so I finally got a decent night sleep last night without any alarms.  Still I woke up this morning feeling a bit bloated, bloated to the point where whatever I put on just "felt" like it was strangling me. Have any of you ever felt like that? It happens to me every now and again. So I decided to change back into my sweats.  So why am I even mentioning this, who knows? I suppose it's to say, there are times when our thoughts can affect us in different ways. That we can become so sensitive to our own body sensations that at times it can pull us away from the more critical task...

For the past few days I was feeling a bit out of it. Not quite sure what the real problem was, feeling different aches all the same. Given my recent health situation and other long-term health issues, to say my senses were heightened would be an understatement. With every little twitch or twinge of pain my mind was racing wondering what each of these meant. Like I said, I’ve been a bit out of it. Allowing my thoughts to drag me every which way they wanted. After a particularly rough night of panic, I guess you can say I had enough. I knew that either something was really wrong or my panic was dragging me down that same stressful road again. That’s when I stepped back to remind myself that not only is my present condition real, but that my long history with anxiety is just as real. By stepping back I reminded myself of the things I used to do to keep my anxiety in check. That not every little thing I feel is here to do me harm. By allowing ourselves to run to the past or to t...

Below is what I had written in a private forum for individuals like myself whom suffer from this silent disorder. A disorder that can strike at any time for no particular reason.   Hopefully, posting this can help someone out there also who suffers. Good morning. Despite how fine things may be going in life. There are times when you can't help but have chaos sneak into your life. A perfect example would be this very moment. Earlier in the evening I wasn't feeling my best, still I allowed myself to drift off to sleep. Around 4 am, I awoke with my heart pounding out of my chest trying to catch my breathe. I've been awaken way too many times not to know what may have been going on. Another panic attack more than likely brought on by my sleep apnea.  You would think after all these years I'd be conditioned to realize that and go back to sleep. But interestingly the panic has such a grip on your mind and body, I end up getting up and going to the living room. So that I...

I know it's been several days since my last post. To be honest, I have no excuse other than a lack of inspiration and just wanting to be with myself. Rather it's due to my ongoing depression or simply a symptom of my current condition, sometimes I just don't want to be social.  Lately my isolation has been because my old friends worry and anxiety have let themselves back in the door. Right after my little hospital stay my attitude was unusually bright. I guess it was because I was happy to be alive. But since then my old friends worry, stress, and anxiety have crept into the picture. You would think after all this time and experience I would be better prepared for such things.  But you know, no matter how many times you fight the good fight, it never gets easier. Oh you might be better prepared, but the way the panic hits you. It's always a surprise sucker punch to the gut. You may ask me, "what do you do then, just deal with it?" In a way yes, I deal...

I gladly admit that I'm very introspective, I'm always looking into myself and asking myself why. I suppose we all do that at sometime or another. It's just that I feel I cornered the market on being introverted by doing it so much. Maybe my habit comes from the hours, days, and years I spent working by myself. I guess you can say I learned to become my own best company.  But in reality I do enjoy the company of others, just chatting away at whatever thought blows in the wind.  I guess being this way makes it hard for me to understand how others can live on autopilot. Meaning they just live day after day seemingly unaffected by the passage of time. I have friends and family like this, they age and their habits change, but deep down they are no different in mindset or attitude then they were 20 or 30 years ago. I don't know why, but I kinda feel bad for them. That each day they miss the experience of living in the moment. That they somehow simple stopped growin...

Hello. Rather any of you have figured it out or not, I don't do much planning when I put these things together. I sorta go on a "wing and a prayer" when I'm putting down my thoughts on this screen. With that in mind, I sometimes don't end up with a whole lot of new things to say. But if for no other reason I'm clearing the cobwebs out of my head just to see what falls out on the page. To give everyone a taste of the soap opera that is my life. Still I shouldn't really call it that, because life is something we all do rather we feel like it or not. For some of us life is a series chores we go through more out of habit then anything with meaning. But for a few life can be a grand adventure, to be lived and cherished. With every moment becoming an exciting experience. For me I think life should be a little of both the mundane and the exciting. Because you can't survive on too much of one without a little of the other.  As I have mentioned to you on ...

The photo I put up is from earlier this summer of the garden we have next to our house. When thinking about what I wanted to say this week, I felt that presenting a little about our home life might bring my idea into perspective.  Much like a lot of people in this part of America we value a simpler lifestyle. But unlike some of our neighbors our simpler lifestyle doesn’t promote a closed attitude toward other’s cultures and beliefs. You see, I was taught at a young age that people have a lot more in common than they do different. And throughout my limited life experience that lesson has proved to be very true. So why do we allow ourselves to become paranoid of people and things that are different? As human beings we each crave community and fellowship, along with a sense of being part of something better than ourselves. Rather that something is religion or custom or geography, each of us are social creatures that seek purpose. Over the millennia we have seen ourselves gr...

These past few weeks have definitely given me time to reflect on things. One of the things that has come to my mind is the value of letting go. You see, I'm a bit of a control freak and I'm sure everyone in this house would agree. Being a control freak is a problem into itself, but one of the side effects it has on me is worry and anxiety. A combination that I'm sure led to my extended stay at Club Meadows Regional. ( As a side note, the money I spent their could have been used on a two-week Caribbean vacation or a new truck. Just sayin'. )   Back to letting go. As a husband, parent, project leader true leadership is leading by example. As a husband you want to be a good partner and friend. Someone who's willing to bend and compromise for the better of the relationship. As a parent it's your job to bring up your kids in a way that will show them the values you have, to hopefully prepare them for the realities of a sometimes crappy world. Finally a...

Sitting on the bench for the past number of weeks has opened my eyes up to a number of things. One being that no matter how focused you are, shit can come out of left field and slap you down. Also, no matter how proud you may be there will come a time when you'll need help going to the restroom, so get over yourself. Other than that, after a number of years of working, studying, and making connections to keep the business going. This being ordered to stop and take a break is killing me! But after spending a week in the PCU at the hospital and finding out the hard way what a heart attack feels like. I've wisely been doing what my doctor wants me to do, no business and no stress. The first few days of this routine aren't too bad, the room service is okay. And not having to drive, shop, or rake the yard is kinda nice too.  But no matter how lazy I may look or how much I may complain when I'm knee-deep working on a project. Usually it only takes me a day or so after I...

The idea of showing compassion towards one another is not a new concept. It also isn't a dead idea, although if you listen to news/opinion broadcast from all sides of the political spectrum you'd thing it was. I wasn't brought up in a perfect home by perfect parents. But one thing I did learn watching them was you work to become a better person everyday. For my parents this came from the religious ideals they embraced and passed on to us.  The main ideals that were passed along to me was to have compassion for your fellow man, to treat others as you want to be treated, and to make a friend out of an enemy. I'm sure that most everyone reading this would agree with these ideals. Yet when looking at social media, listening to a podcast, or watching a news/opinion broadcast, everyone seems to be of the opinion that if your not with me, you're against me.  I personally find this to be a dangerous way of thinking. Now I'm the last person to jump on the soapbox a...

It's been almost two weeks since I was released from the hospital. So far I've been doing as the doctor said, staying put and not straining myself. That is quiet the change from my usual routine of running around and putting out fires for other people. Another thing that has slowed to a crawl is my creativity, in other words my writing.  At first this didn't bother me too much because I had more pressing issues on my mind. But after a few weeks of staring at blank screens, you begin to wonder is the magic gone? Here is where I've resigned myself to not worrying about it. I mean enough creativity has dripped out to put down a few cute lines about my hospital adventures to satisfy me. And for now I am content at laying here and resting the ticker, as my daughter so eloquently put it, "quit trying to die."    I suppose instead of wondering and worrying about where the magic has gone. My priority now should be improvement inw...

This is my fourth or fifth attempt at writing a post since getting sick. It seems I can come up with a snappy title and a sentence or two and nothing else (which some may argue is all I do). Still in order to get the brain juices flowing, here's another attempt at putting down a coherent thought.  A few weeks ago I was knocked down by something that frankly hit me out of left field. While I suffer a variety of ailments like diabetes, hypertension, fatness, OCD, anxiety/depression, panic disorder, and chronic smart ass. But my heart has never let me down until three weeks ago. Good news, I'M ALIVE!, Bad news, I got a long row-to-hoe to recovery. But with that being said I want to address an interesting side effect to all this, my attitude.  I touched on the subject in a Facebook post earlier, but other than that I haven't done much creditable research in one's mindset after a heart attack. But for me personally while this crap has been going on, reaching it's p...

In my 52 years on earth it's very rare that I sleep more than 5 or 6 hours at a time. That's not to say I don't sleep 8 to 10 hours a day, just not at the same time. Now my wife mind you, you could set a watch by her sleep habits, down at 10, up by 7, everyday. My grandmother used to say, it was my guilty mind that kept me up. That may have been true in 1983, but I'm sure there's more to the story since then.  At the moment I'm just waiting for the sunrise. Me and the morning sun have a bit of a relationship, we usually greet each other everyday. I remember my dad getting up two or three times a night. I know this to be true because I was up as well. Over the years, I can honestly say I am my father's son. I certainly couldn't deny his linage, he practically spit me out of his month. Any family member can tell you, when they named me FD Thornton, Jr. they hit the nail on the head. Which begs me to  wonder, what other bad habits did I inherit?  I su...

It's Labor Day morning and I debated posting this story. I mean some things are best left to yourself. But after reading it again, I said "what the hell". If it works as a teaching moment or it just gives you a good laugh at my expense, then my job is done. I was typing away when everything I typed disappeared? Oh well, like my grandma used to say, "if it ain't one thing it's ten." Anyway as I was typing, I woke up with some really bad heartburn yesterday morning. Since I was up, I checked my class email. In it I found my grade from the previous weeks assignment. Mind you, I have to maintain a 3.0 average to graduate. Needless to say the assignment dropped my GPA to 2.89, with one week left.  My heart dropped and a major panic attack came on, along with my raging heartburn. To make this long sad story shorter, I ended up calling an ambulance. The good news is, two more emergency workers know I have panic disorder. Plus I found out I wasn't havi...

Believe it or not, I'm always looking for the next big thing. Rather it's a more challenging job or simply an interesting book to stimulate my mind, I thrive on that stimulation. Recently, I read about a challenging position in Dublin so I applied. Usually it's going to be at least a few weeks before you hear back, if at all. But to my surprise it was over the course of a weekend when I got the Dear John email from the company. I wished I had old girlfriends and ex's that broke it off that politely.  What happened to me than was a feeling of "being robbed". For whatever reason I take these things personally, but if I'm really honest, I know why I'm mad. It's because I'm aware of my skills and know what I can and can't do. Although I'm pretty sure my resume just didn't make it past the company's resume screener, it doesn't make me any less pissed.  I suppose I could harp on back in the "good old days" when a h...

I usually think of myself as being fairly adventurous and loving a challenge. But honestly I’ve been questioning that idea simply because of how complacent I’ve gotten. Used to it wasn’t anything to hop into my car and go where ever. Now I avoid leaving home or just going to be going. While for me isolation can be quite suffocating, the friends I once had are now few and far between. I’m sure it’s a side effect of my panic and anxiety but truthfully it’s not how I want to be. Inside while I still feel terror when going to new places. I long for new places and new challenges. It’s sort of twisted Jekyll & Hyde my mind plays with me. Some may ask, why don’t you just bite the bullet and go? While that may seem like the simple solution, in reality it’s a bit more complicated. Anxiety can cause some powerful triggers to go into motion. It can cause confusion, disorientation, and make you believe far worse is happening then it really is. The first thing you want to do is run a...

You ever have one of those mornings when you get up, the sun is shining and it’s not too hot. You go into the kitchen make your first cup of coffee that's just right and you can even hear the birds are signing outside your window. So you take in a deep breath and just know it’s gonna be a perfect day. Know what I mean? After a warm morning shower you get dressed in your favorite outfit and head to the office. All your favorite tunes from the 80’s are playing on the radio as you to hit all the green lights on the way to work. Then as you pull into the parking lot and see your favorite spot isn’t taken and you pull in. Wow, how good a day is this going to be, right? As you walk into the office you notice Bob in the cube next to yours decided not to shower in Old Spice this morning, instead he may have actually taken a shower. In the break room the crew left two untouched donuts in the box and an actual pot of fresh coffee on the burner. You wonder if for a minute you are ...

While the dog days passed over a week ago according to the calendar. You wouldn’t know from where I’m standing with the temperature hitting only 92 degrees, the heat index put it at over 100 degrees. Needless to say I’m sweating like a pig even after a cold shower. At this point I wonder why I’m telling anyone this. I guess my need to write and tell a story trumps my fatigue from sweating and working on yet another research paper. But hell, isn’t that why we do what we do? It’s not like I make any real money creating reports it’s the fact I love what I do. For a person who’s not into puzzles, I do love discovering things and part of my job is discovering things. Things that need a clearer focus or just need to be straightening out. That’s my passion. So as uncomfortable and broke as I am, I hone my craft every day. Looking for the right customer or business that appreciates what I bring to the table. A curiosity to find the problem, a methodical determination to solve the proble...

Over the past three days I’ve typed and posted so much on my class site, am seriously thinking of having a turn off that damn phone and computer day. Leaving myself with just my thoughts and giving my old brain a rest. That would be nice, but considering that my smartphone’s been blinking every few minutes with a new question or most answer email. All I can really do is sit quietly in my dark office and listen to some light classical music, till this damn phone blinks again.   I sometimes wonder if we a surpassed ourselves when it comes to technology. By that I mean, has technology become too taxing for our minds to handle it? It doesn’t seem to be the case for this current generation. Maybe it’s not so much about age as it has to do with environment. By that I mean, for me living with a wiring problem that doesn’t tolerate a lot of stress already. Maybe I’m conditioned to the slow-paced environment I am in, so when stress does come I have a place to escape. It kinda sou...

Every day we tell our story and we make connections. That’s the way it’s supposed to be isn’t it, making connections? For myself I’m just a very small fish in a very big ocean. Timid and shy, not wanting to make too many waves. Yet here I am putting word out for hundreds of thousands of people to see. For why too many years I thought of myself as being unworthy of anything, even with the miracle of a loving wife and great kids, that’s simply how I felt. You may ask what changed, how did you find your way out? The best answer I can give is watching my wife and kids and wanting the best for them. How could I be an example of success without having any success? At least that’s what I thought at the moment. But over time and with each small victory I learned, that not only was I blazing a trail for my children, I was making a trail for myself. Now this road has been anything but easy. But if nothing else it has been quite an adventure. From the beginning of this journey what u...

As the political season begins to stir (and I remember what my grandma said about stirring a chamber pot) the political groupies come out to play. For a long time I had an opinion and for a long time, I kept that opinion to myself. In hindsight that looks like the way to go this political season as well.  Between the doomsayers on the left and the doomsayers on the right, pretty much nothing is gonna make anybody happy, no matter which way the wind blows. Now I got nothing against anyone speaking their mind, just be mindful about who's property you're standing on while you do it. Respect is the key.  I think of myself as a guy just living his life. Is life perfect? No. Can I deal with it till I can find a way to change it? Yes. It's all about balance. My wife, the beautiful, sweet, loving women she is, can sometimes irritate the living crap out of me. And I'm more than sure she can say the same. Still me have been married since 1987 with either side giving a...