Stories - FD Thornton

He got off the bus overwhelmed by what he saw. Buildings that shot through the clouds and city streets five layers deep. I took him a moment to get oriented to the new surroundings. After an hour my ride showed up and he headed to where he’d spend the next several weeks. To call it a church would be an understatement, to call it a mission would totally be inadequate. But here is where he would live and work for the next few months unlearning everything he had ever learned. He spent days exploring the city in a pick up and delivery truck. Pick up and deliver used furniture for the store that supported the mission. He worked in the kitchen washing dishes and helping prepare meals for members of the mission and guests. The name for the homeless and less fortunate that wondered in for food and help. It was literally a self-sustained city within a city. That provided services like laundry, food, medical services, and even elderly care. All tucked away in the middle of a city of millio...

My mind is full of useless shit today. It would help me to clear it, but often your intentions never meet your expectations. So I simply lay here, with whatever it is bothering me. It’s an age old problem one of which I don’t suffer alone. Between you and me, it’s been a while since this has happened. For the last several weeks I’ve pretty much slept through the night. So I lay here with this screen as my only companion, telling you stuff that should probably just keep to myself. It’s funny the things that can trouble us sometimes. I spent most of the evening trying to put my thoughts together. But there are days when turning on this Office 365 app is best left to the professionals. I often tell myself if you’d only keep your thoughts simpler and your message more on point. You would built yourself a much more popular following. I suppose it’s my self-destructive tendencies that keep me from doing that. For a really long time that’s exactly what I did, and you know what? Despite ...

Despite my docile appearance, I am a bit of an adventurer. Often dangling my toes over the edge to see where my thoughts take me. While this practice maybe scary to some, to me it allows me freedom from my own worst fears. I get a lot of likes and followers from those that subscribe a more mystical faith. But mine is a faith grounded in the promise of my own belief. A belief that I am the one that saves me. That I am the one that holds my fate in my own hands. I’m no more a believer in rocks changing my mood. Then I am now a believer in faith erasing my sins. Still the wonder of the human spirit, seeing beyond what we see with our eyes. That has a magical power all it’s own. I believe we think too lightly of ourselves and the potential within us. Or the change we can bring if we only try. Still I am but one man with one voice. Who’s seen far less of this world then most of my peers. Still I clang to a belief that I can go beyond what I see around me. Only because I’m content with...

I’ve grown so tried of trying to “find myself” or figure out “my calling”. After decades of searching under every rock for the truth. I’ve decided to just say “screw it” and simply live as happily as I can. Still I hear from a lot of people that worry to death about never finding their purpose. Afraid that at some point they’re going to wither up and die, before they accomplish anything. Jesus Christ, if had a nickel for every time I thought that, I would have accomplished one goa, being wealthy. Well guess what, I’m as broke as I ever was, and to a point I don’t really care. Despite my worst efforts, I’ve had a pretty decent life. None of our kids are in jail and me and my bride still get along. That makes me a Winner! Life is never easy to figure out, it has more twists and turns then a long country road. The thing is just live your life as best as you can. Focus on the moments and don’t too much slip your attention. And for God sakes, don’t walk around carrying so many regrets...

What lies upon the distant shore? It’s a question as old as time. Yet we find ourselves stuck in traffic surrounded by noise and for what? Another car payment, a pair of shoes we’ll never wear. The accumulation of things does not a life make. My bride and I don’t have much. Hell most of the furniture we sit on isn’t even ours. Yet we look to the important things. The love and respect of our children. The laughter and tears of our grandchildren to sustain us. It’s not easy being poor, but it gives you a greater appreciation for the things you do have. A comfortable bed, a belly full of food, a warm body to lay next too. After struggling for so long to keep my kids bellies full and a roof over their heads. I suppose I’m just tried. Tried of the envy and jealousy I felt towards those around me with so much. Yet when you scratch beneath the surface, they we’re just as empty and as poor as me. Happiness can be found in many ways. Yes, it can be found in work. But even then it’s the r...

I’m a bit of a complicated person. Never one to shy away from my own shortcomings, I tend to expose the parts of myself that most keep hidden. In public I’m a bit loud mouth and a bullshitter. But in the silence of my own space, I seem to relish exercising the demons that plague my mind. I suppose that comes from all the therapy I’ve been given. Because when you lose who you are, you’ll do anything to get it back. I used to obsess and pick apart myself. I was always jealous of my peers that seem to have it all together. Never showing a crack in the veneer they wore. It wasn’t until I went public with my own situation, that I discovered that a lot of people were struggling just like me. We all wear our faces so well. Choosing just the right filter to cover our flaws. For me it never was that easy. It’s a wonder my own self-hatred hasn’t killed me before now. While I can’t say I ever planned to take my own life. The feelings of simply wanting the pain to stop was always at the surf...

It seems that with every movement I take forward, there’s always a few steps I have to fall back. Without trying to sound too mellow dramatic, I have been getting back into my walking habit. But with each walk I can feel the pressure on my worn down hips and knees. And no sooner do I finish my stroll that I’m back home looking for an ice pack or heating pad. I have not been kind to myself, I’m fat, I smoked, and honestly I put my health on the back burner for a really long time. Now all that shit is finally catching up with me. I wish I could say most of this is reversible, but when I ask my doctor’s that question, they just give me that smile. That same smile the veterinarian gives when it’s time to put Old Fluffy down. My kids get really tired of hearing me talk about this, but I am trying to do better. But there are days when I get up and look at those pill bottles and just want to throw them in the trash. It’s not that I’m tired of living, it’s just that I’m tired. But don’t ...

I have turned down the bed for the evening and put my toys away. With nothing now but my phone acting as a typewriter and some ambient music playing over my earbuds. Life is more than just notes on a scale, it’s about connection. Connection with the people around us, connection with nature, and even connection with ourselves. It’s scary to push yourself beyond your comfort zone. So today before I went on my walking meditation, I looked for every excuse not to go. It’s too hot, the sun’s too bright. I don’t like this new walking cane, I’m too out of shape, I might get dizzy. All legitimate excuses with legitimate answers. Still I pushed myself to get going. Awareness of mind can be a scary thing. It can take you down roads you just assume avoid. But if you listen compassionately to the fear and to the emotion, you might free yourself of the chains which can bind you. I used to worry about so many things. I’d plan and I’d scheme all day just to reach that pot of gold. But you kn...

Another 3am wake up call. But this time the pressure isn’t as deep. I often wonder if everyone out there is just tried of my endless banter. My constant self-refection and self-examination. But deep down it has nothing to do with the “likes”, as much as it has to do with my own sanity. My mother had a habit of writing out her troubles and setting the letter on fire. At the time I didn’t really understand, but as I’ve grown older I totally get the reason and the purpose. Life is how you choose to live it. You can be either be aware or you can choose to sleep through it. For some they choose to sleep. For others they drown their awareness in acts of self-deprecation. I think most of us lie somewhere in the middle, either totally unaware or regretting the actions we take. Worry is a bitter pill. It can cause us sleepless nights and indecisiveness. How many nights have you laid there and wondered, worrying about the coming dawn? Sleep the sweet resetter of emotions, is a friend I onl...

Within this shell lays a myriad of outcomes. From the outrageous to the timid. From the light-hearted to the cruel. All rolled into a complex machine called me. Outside influences often dictate our responses. Deep within each of us are the brands of a thousand irons. That pull from us the outcomes we neither want nor desire. But you don’t have to be a slave to your instincts. With the right focus and compassion, you can remake yourself into the person you desire. Still there are outliers that can influence us, drive us away from our desired goals. It is there where we have to focus our compassion and our resolve. In order to seek out the truth from within. Patience is the key to all real change. I know that in my life change never came from shear will. It happens when repeated effort is put into practice to correct a situation. So you say you want to change, but you have no will power. Change is the willingness to put in the work. Now does that mean you’ll never be discouraged or...

I helped raise four children, two girls and two boys. My girls are independent and strong. They have very different personalities, but they’re smart and fiercely loyal. My two son’s, well one has special needs the other doesn’t have that excuse. Still they are both smart young men that do what I ask them to do. I was not the perfect parent. If you know me, you know my backstory and my struggles. But my focus here is not about me, instead what I’m curious about are the expectations we place on our children. For decades I was criticized and scolded for my parenting skills. I either didn’t work hard enough or wasn’t hard enough on my children. I gave them too much free rein over their own lives. But you know what, most learn from their own mistakes. Without digging too deep into my children’s lives, they made mistakes. But they became strong independent people, and I like to think we had a small hand in that. Because life is what you choose, but oftentimes that choice is taking fro...

I suppose we all want to put our best foot forward. Rather it’s in business or in our professional lives. Or in our personal lives with friends and acquaintances; we like to have ourselves seen in a good light. I know in my life that was very true. I hide behind the mask’s of stability, strength, and good fortune. But nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s not that I don’t strive for these things. But for so long they were the focus of my life. So much so that I forgot how to be me. I suppose my near death experience, if you want to call it that, brought me to a place of honesty with myself. That the labels I tried to wear, were really not who I am. I am a complicated ball of erratic emotions, twisted by a life of total contradiction. If you really think about it we are feel this way. But it wasn’t until I stared the fear of death, failure, whatever you want to call it, in the eye. That realized it was okay. Sounds so freaking silly doesn’t it? But it’s best explanation I ...

Sandra Burnsed A thousand times I’ve asked myself, whatever happened to the idyllic young man who sat in these bones. Who dreamed of things to come and loved with the passion of a thousand seas. I never fully lived out any of those adventures. But I have tasted the ocean and kissed the lips of true love. Time is a possession we cannot keep, it shifts through our hands like the sand from the river bottom. We speak in symbols and the poetry of ages, to convey emotions that run deep. In thoughts that we dare not speak, yet speak easily between ourselves. The world is so different now. Changed and twisted from the simplicity of yesterday. Where thoughts and passions were played with and never seemed to end. Now we live under shrouds of darkness with never enough time or freedom. Are we not the same two? Has not the purity of love remained? Or is it stained with blood of a thousand cuts of experience and pain. But I dare not ask these questions of you. All I do is appreciate the mom...

For a really long time my life has been a series of reinventions. In other words if something didn’t work, I would do an about face and try something else. And for a really long time I would bad mouth myself for having to do so. Well a little over ten years ago I started to look seriously at the man I actually was. And what I discovered was that the building blocks for success were there. It’s just that I lacked the compassion for myself to bring it out. I’m not talking about some ego building mumbo jumbo, to make believe I am great. No. It’s that fact that I took an honest assessment of my abilities and worked from there. I attended the University of Phoenix, now before we start bad mouthing them, one of the strengths of UOP is it’s emphasis on team building. The confidence I gained from each small victory in the classroom. The affirmations I received from classmates. And the eventually ability I gained to lead were all part of the team building skills I gained at UOP. The next ...

Why is it that I’m so physically exhausted when I come back from the doctor’s office? I mean isn’t a visit to the doctor for my well being? So why am I so tuckered out by the time I’m done? One of the problems that many of us with physical and mental health issues is the gulf that separates our physical and mental healthcare. I think that most medical doctors have only a baseline understanding of mental healthcare. While most therapist have a limited understanding of physical health. I suppose psychiatrist are the bridge between the two. It wasn’t until a few years back when I began treatment with a psychiatrist, that I truly started getting relief for my mental health issues. He prescribed my current medication regiment and with a little tweaking it has worked very well. Today my cardiologist was concerned with the large amount of different medications that I take. It got me thinking that maybe I should seek treatment from a psychiatrist again. If for nothing else but to see if...

Is it fair to be unhappy? Is it okay to feel pain? Often I ask myself why I can’t just be happy with the status quo. To let things remain as they are and not rock the boat. But when I look over the horizon I can’t help but wonder, what lies on the shore. Commitments anchor us to decisions from our past. But these obligations do not bind me to them, I am still allowed to feel. Time hasn’t diminished the emotions of a different time. The passion I once carried still burn brightly. We are but a part of the same puzzle. Scattered among the fragments of a broken world. You know the emotions I feel. You see the things I see. Tied together by forces beyond our understanding. We live separately, yet together. With a shared past and an unwritten future.

The fragility of life is often it’s greatest strength over us. The helplessness we feel when someone is taken away. There is a silence that fills the void where laughter and conversation once reined. The emptiness can be over powering, so we search for comfort in the words of God. But even there the silence can be deafening. I often face death with my memories and my words. After a period of tears, I find myself digging back fondly into the memory files in my mind. Thinking of a laugh or a tear we exchanged. A word or a story, little things I often bore my children with in conversation. These are the things that help me cope with death. Still our own mortality can be the most frightening after effect of all. Realizing that at any moment we can be gone. Nothing more than an extinguished candle where a light once shined. I am often accused of being a bit morbid about my own mortality. But considering my current state one can’t help but think that way. Still it doesn’t stop me fro...

I sent most of yesterday troubled, stressed as it were by both internal and external forces. It seemed no matter where I turned, the relentless pressures, of the day were gathering around me. In those situations I usually have few avenue’s of escape. So I just end up laying here and waiting for the moments to pass. Used to I was pretty good at ignoring these things away. But for the last few years my defenses have broken down and my once stoic attitude, now gives way to a more agonizing fear. A fear that when stoked hard enough has caused me physical harm. It’s not worth a damn living under a cloud of fear. It destroys whatever confidence you may have built. It erodes away the life you are wanting for yourself and for those that depend on you. I suppose it is the few strands of stability I have left that help me carry on. But lately even those are straining under the pressure. More than anything I feel tried and exhausted. My moments of strength and bravado are fewer and harde...

Removing my self from the equation I reside to searching the truth. Exploring the places most are often afraid to go. Seeing my self as I am, I often wonder in a sea of helplessness. Trapped by the chains that have long bond my soul. Unto this very day burying me in the quicksand of indecision and mediocrity. But I still see a bright star ahead as I make my way through this life. I write without rhyme or reason other than my own vanity at times. While at others as a foreshadowing of the dangers I see. But enough of this internal dialogue and more about yourself. What do you seek in this life? Are dreams and plans still in your future? Or are resigned to the fact that nothing is ever coming your way. As for my self I stand atop the border wall. Trying to decide which camp I want to stand. Inner reflection for most is too tedious a task. That can either drive you mad or turn you into a complicit zombie. While becoming a zombie has its perks, it is often the madness that I seek. I h...

Jekyll Island Georgia It feels like the walls are closing in, that’s the best way I can describe it. I feel like balling up into a cocoon wanting, desiring to isolate myself. My mind craves the attention, but my heart is so fearful. Such a paradox of emotions I wish would just shut off. To escape into insanity would be such a relief. But the mind remains laser focused on the moment, the guilt I carry of cancelled plans. Just so I can bury my head and hide. I wish I could make those around me understand the weight I carry. But it is only the physical manifestations they grasp. The conflictions of the mind are beyond comprehension. How can someone so outgoing, so stable and calm in appearance be so broken. To shut off my mind would be so easy. Yet here I am diving headlong into the belly of the beast. All I need is a little time to let the mind, body, and spirit catch up with themselves. Because the synchronicity of calm can often get away from me. At the moment I feel the cente...

Through the sand and the scrub oaks I searched for truth. And the one thing I’ve learned is, the journey is way more important than the goal. I’ve logged a many a mile on those sandy oak trails. Looking up into the towering pines and searching the trail for deer tracks. In that silent mediation I learned to appreciate the life I have. The people that surround me and the beauty in the simplest of things. We often set goals for ourselves, rather it’s simply completing a daily task. Or something more complex, like achieving goal with our lives. Now there is nothing wrong with planning for your life. Just don’t let that vision rob you of the moments you are now living. There’s an old say, “You can’t see the forest for the trees”. Well here it simply means, you are looking beyond where you now stand. Within my own life I thought I was going to be so many different things. I’d rather not waste your time listing each one, but trust it’s a lot. But with many of these experiences, I lost...

Be a good boy, my daughter often reminds me. But sitting around this house is driving me crazy. But I got two more weeks before my next check-up and so far the medication seems to be working. It’s funny how one minute you are living happily with your vices. The next you are clanging to life popping 21 pills a day so you can hopefully see tomorrow. I don’t mean to sound so mellow dramatic. My daughter often tells me I’m not pitiful enough. But she’s sat through enough emergency room visits to know the score. The key for me is to remain calm. I’ve noticed when I allow the world to come in, my blood pressure raises and I start feeling ill. But if I stay within my “125 mile zone of solitude” I’m usually fine.   I often like to push myself. Skipping a meal or working in the yard too hard. But for each of these seemingly positive things there’s a price for me to pay. This doesn’t mean I got to stop living. It simply means I have to make adjustments and go accordingly. Each of us ...

Sometimes you just have to resign to the fact that you are not going to sleep. In this case though, it’s got more to do with taking too long a nap then anything else. Still late yesterday someone special sent me a beautiful piece of poetry. A not so sure subtle reminder of a relationship that has meant a lot to me. I am be very open when it comes to me, but my personal relationships I keep close to the vest. I remember as a younger man the strange lonesome agony you can go through. No matter how many girlfriends and good time buddies you got, there’s always moments when you just alone. After thinking I discovered true love the first time, losing that warm touch nearly broke me. So although it’s been a while, I can relate to the loneliness and pain of facing the world alone. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, other than to say. It’s okay to feel that way. Because if you put enough good energy out there, eventually it comes back to you. Suffering as I do with depression ...

It’s easy to talk about fairness and compassion. What it means to be a good citizen of this country and the world in general. Well if that were the case, why does it seem to be so much turmoil and confusion in the land? A while back before the immigration situation exploded. A friend of mine was spouting off about how immigration was out of control and how all the Mexicans needed to be deported. Being that she’s one of the few people I’m completely honest with down here, I said. “But what about all the Mexicans you employ in the fields?” The reply she give back has never left my mind when she said, “Not my Mexicans.” It’s funny how my problem doesn’t become your problem until it effects you. To be honest the only time we seem to apply compassion and understanding to a situation, is when it effects us. Right now another major storm is heading towards the southeast coast. I live 130 miles inland yet we are preparing evacuation centers in the area for those that will be pouring inland...

I moan for restful nights, but life gives and it takes. I suppose the last stand for my fear is the darkness. Taking the breath from my body is fear’s final resting stop. I suppose that’s why I write with such great voracity. Fearing that at any moment the whole thing will end. My family tends to get a bit upset with my obsession with death, but I can’t help it. Because beneath this veneer of stability lies a person who feels the clock ticking. So I can’t help but think what I’m saying now may be the last. You may think that staring at fear so many times numbs you to it. But within us fear is a powerful thing. It seeks new and different ways to creep into your consciousness. You might defeat it in one area of your life, but shortly after it shows up somewhere else. I like writing about my fear and the things it does to me. The way it makes me feel. In a way it gives me power over it. A sense that despite my physical and emotional state, I still have control. At this moment the tu...

Sometimes even under the best of circumstances we feel like failures keeping parts of ourselves close deep inside never to be revealed. I know that within my self I have secrets and painful emotions still, that are not ready for the light of day. But that is alright, each heart has pain and misery that is much too difficult to express. Things we cling too like poisoned jewels. Toxic yet precious somehow. Our very nature keeps us from trusting everyone. And in this world of light and show, where we all want to put our best foot forward. There are things we don’t dare to say out loud. Things we should work on alone within our own minds. Darkness often consumes me at moments of weakness. My mind has a tendency to go places I fight not to go. Yet here I am, wading through the muck of another flooded mind. I wish I could cheer you up with some line of hope or inspiration. But there are sometimes days of overwhelming misery in each one’s life. This week will be one of me. Painfully, it...

On a dead end street, three houses on the right sits the tiny three bedroom home where I grew up. Not long after my sister was born, my parents took out a $54.56 a month mortgage on a cinder block tract house at the end of South Chestnut Street. The house it self was less than 1200 sq. ft., okay for a family of four with two small kids. But as the years wore on it’s hard to believe we all fit in that tiny space. The house got even smaller with the addition of our baby brother, leaving five individuals to live in some pretty cramp space. Our sister of course got here own room, leaving me and my baby brother to share a room. We had one bathroom to share, a kitchen dinette, a living room, and a small hallway closet. Needless to say, that left us kids with two spaces to call our own, the yard and our dead end street. Understand way back then there was no internet, no computers or smartphones. We picked up only three channels on our one black and white television. There was one house p...

I look out my window and I see the morning coming to life. And I have to wonder, where am I in all of this? We live in our thoughts with the ability to reason and plan. Yet the burden of this is the weight of worry, of wonder, and of dread. But looking at the world in this moment you are living gives you power. Power to change your tomorrow’s and forgive your past. It took me a really long time to grasp that concept, that this moment is all we can really change. Looking out my office window the world turns beneath my feet. Clouds move across the sky, and somewhere other than here the world sleeps and the world rise’s to anew. It’s so much more than just us. Yet it is I that is that focus of my thoughts. Take a moment to look beyond just yourself. Think of those that surround you, those you love and those you don’t know. Life is a never ended circle that spins on itself around a star. Think of yourself as one of many that make up the fabric of life. Then look at yourself as the on...

Some mornings just aren’t that great. I had a good six hours of sleep last night, but woke up feeling tight. I’m not super uncomfortable, but my chest and gut are tight. So at the moment I’m just waiting for the medication to kick in. I really don’t like talking about my physical condition, it tends to worry people. But I’ve noticed when I do talk to myself, it tends to ease the stress that is definitely a trigger for my anxiety and ultimately my physical pain. My panic disorder usually expresses itself through health issues. Worrying about catching my breath or a tingling in my chest can trigger all kinds of “what if” scenarios in my mind. It’s a vicious circle of physical and mental signals that can make for a fairly uncomfortable life. Often I calm my mind by reasoning with myself that it’s just the panic kicking in. I pay attention to my breathing, and I listen to the fear that is welling up inside me. I have discovered through mindfulness training that listening compassionate...

What is love? Is it sacrifice or a need to give? Can it be just a connection or a point of contact. A place where two souls exist as one. We often speak of our love, but it’s unexplainable really. Two souls with lives of their own, lost and unfulfilled by what they see around them. Until that moment, that connection, deeper than any physical act. It’s a bond that defies explanation, to the point that where it even leaves us confused. Throughout my life I have seen acts of love. I’ve watched love grow and I’ve watched love die. What we have is more than a passing infatuation or some unfulfilled fantasy. It’s a bond that has shaped us in ways that has literally changed our lives. But how were we to know that love would bond us the way that it has. That whatever came afterword’s pale’s in comparison. All I know is how I feel. Is it wrong to feel a bond this strong, that on the surface people would see it as crazy? Yet between you and I, it’s the most natural thing. No one may ever u...

Through the lens of mindfulness and love I see through the eyes of our soul. Behind the beauty, I see struggle, I see pain. And I can’t help but wonder what put that hurt behind those eyes. - FDT Recently I was looking at some images of a friend. Behind the promotional shots and images of creativity, I could not help but see the sadness in their eyes. I know I shouldn’t pry into someone else’s thoughts, but something within me cannot help but worry and sympathize about the situation. I suppose that comes from all the dark times where the only person I could count on was myself. For so long no one knew the hell I was going through. I internalized everything to the point where it nearly killed me. That explains why I am now such an open book, which means I could never run for public office. I empathize that we are a tribal people, we developed over the millennia into a society animal. That is because our ancestors realized there is strength in numbers. To assume we can make it on ...

I look out across the water and I’m reminded of days past. Of hot summer afternoons, sand gnats, and swimming to the sand bar. I ask myself where have I gone from there? What have I learned?I suppose I learned what giving really is and how to look beyond my own selfish needs. How to care about others and how to be a good friend. Nothing just appears out of thin air. Knowledge is passed on to us from those we observe. For me school was sitting around the kitchen table or hanging around under the mossy oak trees. Swatting sand gnats like a barefoot as a river rat. I was born an observer, a watcher of the stories around me. I remember the lessons, the sermons, the confusions in the night. The emotion, the pain, and the joy. The fear, the ignorance, and the regrets. Time is never kind, it simply moves on. Burying it’s dead and giving birth to new life. Never giving a second thought as it slowly matches on. You can’t simply bury the past, you learn what it teaches and move on. Passin...

Flower Among the Thorns I don’t want to say I woke up in a lot of pain. But I have a pinched nerve located between my shoulder blades that decided it wants to hurt today. And for some damn reason my heart wants to beat funky. Don’t worry that usually goes away on its own. But it’s the pitched nerve however is causing the most discomfort at the moment. We all have our troubles, believe me I know. I suppose more than anything it’s the way we handle those troubles that’s most important. I think my Grandma Geiger taught more than anyone how to carry myself when troubles strike. The older I get, the more I understand the effort it took for her to face the physical pain she went through everyday. Like myself she was diabetic, had heart issues, and suffered from the lasting effects of smoking and obesity. Yet my Grandmother hardly faced a day without a smile. And no I’m not talking about the one of those fake smiles. She had a general positive attitude about life. Now I’ve seen her cry...

I just woke up from a really deep sleep. The kind where you don’t dream and your mind just seems to slip away. The last few days I’ve been living between a state of dreaming and dizziness. Through circumstances beyond my control, I’ve been rationing myself in order to make it through the next few days. Unfortunately in my current physical condition this is not be smartest thing to do. The imbalances in my body cause my physical and mental conditions to swing back and to erratically. I’m sure what I’m saying doesn’t make too much sense and that’s okay. Because not everything that’s written or seen has to be understood. Still it’s funny how we push ourselves in the name of love. We make sacrifices, even to the point of harming ourselves, all for the sake of others. I suppose it’s an instinctual thing. A primal urge that comes from our very core. Still while you would think our urges would dictate selfishness, here on full display is the need of many outweighing the needs of the one....

Where do I begin? Last night I woke up last hot and sweaty. Which could only mean one thing, my blood sugar was getting low. So I got up, popped a few glucose tablets, and after a few hours went back to bed. This morning I was awaken by not one, but two lawnmowers. One cutting my yard, the other mowing the church lot next door. So now my head’s spinning from the grass pollen and I’m itching all over. And oh yeah, since my sinuses are closed up, my teeth hurt. Surprisingly enough I get a lot of messages from people thanking me for sending them encouraging words. After reading that first paragraph, you might think that’s a bit of a misnomer. Actually I’m pretty optimistic, I just don’t cloud my reality by sprinkling fairy dust over a pile of shit. Life is hard, just ask that squirrel I nearly ran over yesterday. Growing up I wasn’t given too many words of encouragement. I had a Mom who was basically a child bride, trapped by the convictions of her religion. And a Dad raised in the...

I woke up with a shout again, fearing another 2 or 3am wake up call. But I was happy to see it was after 5:30am this time. The paranoia of my mental state, along with my broken body are definitely not a winning combination, especially when all I want is a goods nights sleep. At least this time I didn’t wake with the usual heart palpitations. Still I have moments of vulnerability when I worry and I’m sad that things are not going as planned. Too often we want to paint a rosy picture of life when actually things aren’t that great. But I look out the window next to my bed and see the dawn peering through the blinds, and I’m reminded with each night, light eventually comes. What is life really, just a series of moments? Or is it our individual stories of how we maintain each other? I can’t pretend to know the answer to that. I am just one sad broken man struggling to sleep through the night. So why do I continue to speak as of I know some great secret. Life is not just about survival...

There are days when I just assume not get out of bed, and go through my usual routine. Where I could get up when I felt like it, and do what I want to do. But those days are long gone and each morning I get out of bed, check my blood glucose, and pop 13 pills. Still my burden is probably no different than of yours. You get out of bed, get dressed, wake the kids up, and follow the traffic jam to work. Yeah I get it. We each have our own weight to bare. That often feels like a carnival ride we’re about to throw up on. I’m not sure I could handle that kind of pressure anymore. I spend my days hidden in this room, no noise, just an occasional car passing by or the sound of a bird in the bird feeder. I’m burdened by time, by that I mean I watch the world tick by me. Not really an active participant anymore. I suppose that’s how old folks feel, rocking in their chairs at the old folks home waiting, watching. If it feels like I’m not making sense, then maybe you’re right. It’s just one ...

History it’s a tricky thing. The latest trend is “to live in the moment”. Now while it is very important to focus on living for today, we still have history and a story to either build upon or work to change. I know that in my life I have had moments that I’d just assume forget. But they are with me and I have to deal with them. Many of us like to whitewash the past with a fresh coat of paint, but in reality the stain is still there just beneath the surface. I know that in my own life, I’ve tried to reinvent myself “nine ways from Sunday”. But each and every time it wouldn’t last for long. Because all I was doing was glossing over the things I actually needed to repair. No amount of affirmations or positive thought are going to fix abuse or poor self-esteem without a fair amount of self-repair. In my situation it involved learning to love the person I am at the moment, and working from there. So many of us carry baggage that we didn’t ask for, yet here it is taking up too much sp...

I don’t think of myself as not much of a materialistic person. I mean I have my gadgets, but even those are nothing more than apps on my phone. Checking in with my publisher this morning, I was pleasantly surprised by the sales of my latest self-help/confessional book (#try). And while I hope that each copy brings a little light to each person who reads it. Knowing that people appreciate your work enough to pay for it is a rewarding and humbling experience. Spending a good chunk of your life under a cloud of self-doubt kills whatever potential you may have. And no matter how successful you may eventually become, you always have that seed of failure planted in your soul. I know that for me those seeds of self-hatred and pain, still haunt my thoughts and dreams. By burying those thoughts you only plant the seeds deeper. Denying the seeds even exist only waters them even more. The thing is those seeds are planted there, rather you like it or not. But I discovered that by giving thos...

I got up this morning and had to make an 41 mile round trip to my doctor’s main clinic. I had to go there and pick up some medication and get the results of my recent blood work. Needless to say, I didn’t learn anything new, my cholesterol and A1C are good, and I need to stay more hydrated. (Insert eyeroll) Sometimes I think doctor’s just make up stuff to give them the upper hand. As I get older, I feel like I’m more in tune with myself. Maybe it’s just my anxiety, but honestly I think my increased awareness has more to do with my mediation. Since my heart attack I have taken up doing walking mediation. A form of meditation where you place awareness on every step, while paying attention to your surroundings, as you focus on your breathing. This is what I do during my walks, often my wife walks with me in the park. I think she gets the idea of what I’m doing. Although she finds it a little irritating that I don’t talk to her when we walk. Most of the time I’m simply noticing my su...

It’s only one in the afternoon and I am spent. Woke up this morning at three am, to help put out a small emotional fire for a friend. Went back to bed, got up, drove to town, went shopping and paid bills; now I’m laying here totally pooped out. It’s not so much the hot weather that exhaust me as much as just getting around. You see, I suffer from Panic Disorder, GAD, and Agoraphobia. Through decades of therapy, plenty of medication, and a lot of meditation; I manage my symptoms much better than I used too. But there are days when the fear and dread of leaving my comfort zone are a bit too much. My wife is very understanding about my situation. But she is disabled herself, so she depends on me for transportation. As you can see we make quite a pair. Today while we were on our monthly outing, I felt pretty good. Being my usual loud, obnoxious self; a mask I wear quite well by the way. But as we were finishing things up, I grew more exhausted and withdraw. Now my heart condition may...

St. Andrews Beach - Jekyll Island I haven’t long finished supper (dinner) and just took my seven o’clock medication. After a dinner I try to make a habit of not eating anything else. I suppose that all got started when I moved in with my Grandma Geiger. After my separation and eventual divorce, I moved in with my grandmother, (it’s sorta a Geiger tradition). We had the standard agreement, I'd buy her treats (candy, soda, takeout), took her on errands, and mowed the grass. She provided home cooked meals, a comfortable bed, hot showers, and conversations about my personal life rather I wanted to hear them or not. Like I said, it’s a Geiger rite of passage. Anyway, just before dark it was a tradition to have a bowl of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, milk, and a spoonful of sugar. Laying here now looking out at the sunset, I’m reminded of the crazy conversations me and that woman would have over our bowls of cereal. She would pass on the me her decades of experience. Her crazy old sayi...

In a world gone crazy, we like to hide in imaginary little worlds of our own. The only problem with that is it doesn’t do a damn thing to make the real world any better. I often speak of the inner turmoil I live with, the self-loathing, the panic disorder, the physical problems. But if I stick my head in a bucket and try to ignore all those things, what good am I doing myself or anyone else? My dearest friend lived through a hell for many years. She suffered physical and mental abuse at the hands of her spouse. Now my friend could have licked her wounds and carried on. Instead she pulled her family out on that destructive situation, and found a better path. But much like myself, she still has a way to go both mentally and physically. The thing is, she’s moving forward. So every time I need a swift kick in the ass, I think about her. We all have situations in your lives we’d just assume forget. I know that I’ve made a boatload of decisions I’d love to take back. But life doesn’t ...